Shadow Xenith

[proud imp]

Love the idea and overall lines, the only thing i find missing is punctuations and the structure is a lil off sometimes, its still a really great one tho✨

[sick zodiac]

Which parts of the structure feel off, and how would you fix them?

[proud imp]

like for the 4th and 5th line, a better way(imo) would be:
"Would my wings open up
like a thousand suns?"
and the last 4th and 5th lines, being comparatively long than the last 3 lines become a lil off putting when you read out aloud

[sick zodiac]

Oh hmmm I wanted the last 4th and 5th to be off putting on purpose tbh, this thing that felt other. But are they less off putting and just awkward?

[dim pelican]

Wonderful! @sick zodiac has just progressed to level 3!

[proud imp]

they sound great, wont deny, but the following 3 are last so it should be more impacting and settle down the nervousness you caused on purpose

[sick zodiac]

https://tenor.com/view/spongebob-patrick-star-noted-notes-gif-26231953

If I was loved
And the touch was real
Would my mind relax
Wings of leaves opening like
1,000 suns
and the death of me
poured out
infinite chasm of stars,
while an orphaned tear free falls

How would the bell toll then
On its low hill of charred black
Metal gong ringing, long burned
The field lies dead beneath broken rings of sound
Skeletons beneath askew
I sit in my room but I'm still kneeling
Amongst the unrecognizable dead
I breathe in the ash and my arms are blood dripped
I exhale ash and my eyes catch fire with tears
Flames eat my spirit to cinders

In the sky a patch of blue opens
Your silhouette breaks through and then black chokes the expanse once more

The sight of you is gone
Alone in the death again
Ringing on the hill, an infinite silence
Shadow Xenith

[summer spoke]

Well done 👍

Very interesting and intense. Me likey