#Love without a name

29 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

queen anvil
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Currently on my 3rd revision of the poem
Would love feedback

If I had to write every word
Speak every language
Change everything of me
Recite every piece of music
If I had to look at the sun till I went blind
If I had to cross every border
If I I had to give up all possessions of mine
I would kill
I would die
If I had to I would stop the sun from shining.
The wind from blowing
and the clouds from raining
I would break mirrors
I would look for a needle in a haystack
Just to spend another second with you
But yet that’s never happening
Because you will always be 6 feet under me
I will always look for you
I will not take another
I will bare no children for you
Maybe in another universe you were the one writing
But I would never stab you like that
the hope of seeing you again
fuels me
drives me to live one more
I wish to be at peace with you

frozen glen
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first impressions of this are pretty positive

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just that its bear not bare

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and i feel that "like that" is off-tone

queen anvil
hardy matrixBOT
frozen glen
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im trying to figure out what the stab means

queen anvil
prime nexusBOT
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*Essentially

means that they wouldn’t hurt them

like the way they did*

- gas_0967
frozen glen
queen anvil
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No because there dead

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I also didn’t have a solid ending so that’s my current placeholder

frozen glen
# queen anvil Currently on my 3rd revision of the poem Would love feedback If I had to writ...

I like the idea but personally i wouldve excecuted it differently. The repetitive descriptions of what the speaker would do for their loved one are cliché in paces and generally go on for too long for my taste so i would maybe choose a couple lines and elaborate?

You could also keep the repetition if you manage to highlight the desperation. As of now its emotionally flat and is just statement after statement. In this case, the repetition isnt helping.

I suggest either cutting the poem down and elaborating on certain phrases or highlight the speaker's desperation to get allat emotion. I'd do the latter by replacing the "If" statements so its more certain. Cause desperate people are certain about one thing and it;s that they're desperate.

I think the stab is a great concept too and you should definitely elaborate and build on that.

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Good jon gangy :) dont give up

frozen glen
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i get that

hardy matrixBOT
frozen glen
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gotta sneak that in somehwere

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maybe mention looking for the lover in the heavens or something

queen anvil
frozen glen
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OH

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i totally missed that

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i think it could be clearer if you changed it to six feet lower as the speaker isnt taller their lover is just lower

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really like your poem tho

queen anvil
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Thank you

rotund ivy
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With The Sun's poem: I loved the "6-feet taller" metaphor, and the implied twist of stabbing the loved one when they, in the afterlife, meet again. I would say to "translate" some parts of this into more metaphor. "If I had to cross borders of ice or coup'd cities." I'm not serious about that on-the-spot metaphor, as it probably doesn't jive with the context of your poem, and "coup'd" sounds Old MacDonaldish lol, but I just wanted to show you what I mean by "translating" - the current-day connotation of "borders" as unsafe, hostile places of opposition, which is concretized into ice (pun) and other things. Also, stand within the vision of your poem, and take note of the strange or exotic therein with your senses, for powerful images. Often, imagery works best by hyperfocusing on something out of context, kind of like a riddle approach. Find unique metaphors and images. Throw away the predictable or common, or "translate," and your work will grow.

dry pilot
# queen anvil Currently on my 3rd revision of the poem Would love feedback If I had to writ...

I like the poem, but I think you could structure it better. Can’t forget to disregard grammar even in free verse🙌
Like using commas in the end of the lines, and in
“If i had to, I’d stop the sun from shining,
The wind from blowing,
And clouds from raining.”
The period before “The” doesn’t really make sense because it’s like a list, not the end of a thought, so use a comma then.