A date?

[vestal comet]

I'll walk with you to a carnival
Where the jokers laugh in bliss
Where your hands held mine
As we ride the rollercoaster kiss
Wonder when we'll wander that haunted house
Where the scare is the loss of your touch
Rather than the monsters in there, they are not much

I'll run with you to a park
Where there may be other couples
A cat, an old man, a lilac or maybe a dog's bark
We'll buy that sweet strawberry truffle
For two, one me and one you
We'll lay on the green hue of grass beneath
And besides you, maybe just maybe I'll feel complete

We'll hold hands on our way home
Maybe we will find 2 more new streets, 2 new shops as we roam
Count the time, a second more maybe a minute
Perhaps munch on the grape pinot
Hey, I'll poke your nose randomly, careful!
Awh, don't worry it's nothing but me a bit playful!

On a gentle kiss I'll drop you home
Keep my gaze hung on your kissing eyes
Oh no, I am always bad at goodbyes
Hold me a while my dear
For, the end of this beautiful day is near
Kiss me in front of your home's brown door
And trust me I just wish to lengthen this day, just a bit more.

[south elbow]

@vestal comet has sent a notification! - @desert fable @vast vector @viral swift @restive dock @zealous owl @hazy marsh @lavish sparrow @pastel nest @west sedge

[desert fable]

it's very charming!

[pearl flare]

I agree, this is really nice!

[pale jay]

Ohh m goddd!!!!! It's soooo beautiful❤️ .....so so so so beautiful

[dry crypt]

*Ohh m goddd!!!!! It's soooo

beautiful❤️ .....so so so so

beatiful it is*

- aeron_07_

[vestal comet]

Thanksss witch

[vestal comet]

Thank you i appreciate it

[vestal comet]

@manic berry @solid raft sorry for the ping

[solid raft]

Summon me anytime: )

[manic berry]

I got summoned

[vestal comet]

Yes sir

[vestal comet]

Sorry

[manic berry]

Nah nah
Nirvana likes to be summoned

I like poems

[solid raft]

After a quick read, it's very nice. Like it's sweet. It has a lot of images and is very descriptive.
The use of the environment to describe the pace and tension is good.
"A cat, an old man.." line.

Although some lines do seem a bit cliché at first they make more sense later on.

"Count the time..." This line has weird syntax

[vestal comet]

Thanks, I used the count the time line telling that they are counting their time together, perhaps try to increase it even by a little

Though i didn't frame it well

[solid raft]

Yeha it makes sense it's just that the structure makes it hard to read

Reframing would help

[vestal comet]

Yesh

[manic berry]

It's a beautiful poem
I want to be your date 🥲

Jokes apart
It's very nice
But I think numbers don't suit well for poems
write it in words
I like the rhymes

And it feels so fresh
It’s gentle, earnest, a little shy.

I rate it 8/10

👍

[vestal comet]

Heh i am a shy guy

[manic berry]

Keep it up

[manic berry]

The poem tell me that

It expresses you very well

Extremely shooting poem

Soothing*

[vestal comet]

Thanks nirvana

[manic berry]

I'll ping u to mine

Check it

Gonna summon u

[vestal comet]

Ok

[vestal comet]

@pastel nest

[desert fable]

of coursee

[vestal comet]

@livid sandal sorry for pinging you twice

[pastel nest]

i follow you already :3 haha

[pastel nest]

i lobe how the progression of movement follows closeness <33
its beautiful

[vestal comet]

Thanks thonos, i always appreciate you reading my poems