#ME RERE by renaissaint

52 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

plucky verge
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Yoo man!!! It's hauntingly beautiful.

latent island
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Thanks broda

warped badge
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"motionless emotionless" nice

I overall like the duality of the poem

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beauty in the ugliness

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joy in sadness

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comfort in creepyness

latent island
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thank u sir

latent island
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@zenith marsh @fast girder @maiden stream @patent patrol @restive spruce @plush shard @copper stratus

maiden stream
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I'll check this in a min

plush shard
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that was nice man

maiden stream
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You have a real talent for writing psychological poems
I really loved this poem
The way you slowly build discomfort and then reveal it’s about the mirror was a strong move
It genuinely gave me chills

patent patrol
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I really like the psychological feel to it, its not tied by emotion but a 'come around in circles' rhythm. The rhyming creates an eerie feeling, its definitely intentional. Its indeed story telling and the emotions are showed in a constructed manner.
I really like it, would definitely love to read more.

sick ridgeBOT
grim rover
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Dudeee this is so littt 🤌🏻🧨

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Its a unique poem the type i love to read and write

latent island
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@civic tangle

civic tangle
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Very beautiful

latent island
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@high plaza

latent island
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@pine flame check mine

pine flame
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Ouhh i will

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Where is itt

latent island
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up

pine flame
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OUH THERE

latent island
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picture

pine flame
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Whoops😔

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OMG ITS BEAUTIFUL

latent island
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thanks

pine flame
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Sureee

latent island
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@pallid depotcan you please review my poem

pallid depot
latent island
pallid depot
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Okie dokie!

Firstly, I want to say I enjoy especially the first several lines the most. There is something evocative almost of an Edgar Allan Poe story and a psychological element that is strong.

There are a few suggestions I have which is primarily toward omission and parsing things down. I think the "terror" is something that is already quite present without needing to say it outright. Saying "I was terrified" mutes a lot of the actual suspense, because it does two things: (1) it draws a distance between us and the narrator and (2) it tells us the emotions instead of lets us feel them.

Always be careful with adverbs. "Suddenly" just isn't needed here.

"thing" could be replaced with something more grabbing in the next line.

Again, "made me quite nauseous" isn't necessary. "The paleness of his skin was nauseating" would sum that up just fine and, again, allow us to feel and imagine that. You could even get more descriptive with the poetry here too. More descriptive than "paleness" is "pallidness" (which connotes sickness and unhealth). You could pare it with "limpid" as well, something connotating a lack of dark texture or color. "And the pallidness of his limpid skin was nauseating."

"Ugly" is too basic for the horror being depicted here, and similarly nothing about the description up to this point connotes "blandness" to me.

I would omit "And for some reason, I felt subtle sadness" just because it doesn't really add anything.

"For some reason" is never a phrase that needs to be uttered in poetry, imo. It just stifles the rhythm and power of the piece and leaves it docile.

Again you use "ugly" a second time that doesn't need to be there. Different descriptor. You also use "face" a lot, and I legit think this poem could do with some richer vocab on this point because there are lots of good words for face, and right here in particular one would work: "countenance." You could have: "And a crooked smirk etched across his countenance, growing in its course to a wicked and corrupt grin, and he exploded in mirth." And then add an element "And I laughed with him."

"I have seen this guy somewhere around" again could be shorter and with richer language. "I beheld this figure before; he seemed one of my kind."

I think the last two lines could be greatly shortened. "He who was before me now, or should I say, behind the mirror."

Part of the issue here is a mixture of over-wordiness at points, but then also needing a richer lexical variety.

All of that said, I think you have the makings here for an excellent poem with some more tweaking and editing. 🙂

latent island
latent island
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ME RERE by renaissaint

latent island
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@flat oasis @unreal musk

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this was the first poem i wrote

unreal musk
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Simple, it could definitely be rivised to be tighter, and I think maybe more obscure descriptions like eyes of a dead fish would make this stand out. Pretty good! I'm impressed

flat oasis
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I saw him ,
I saw him painting an art of my soul and name
Yet,
His eyes were empty and plain ,
Abd I didn't found a trace of a fool's flame

soft atlas
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holy shi it gave me chills

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loved it though! keep writing

latent island
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@wide idol

wide idol
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Okay

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SO

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IF IM CORRECT.

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The person is hallucinating and seeing his mirror self in person

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And he only sees himself as this "motionless, emotionless" canvas

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the self-loathing is real.

latent island
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Indeed

latent island
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@jade hamlet

jade hamlet
latent island