coelacanth

[pliant garnet]

@cursive pecan has sent a notification! - @jovial flax @fallow ermine

[wary sedge]

there's a lot of repition here, different meaning yes, but inenivatably it reachs to the same conclusion. Repition when used in moderation can give some kind of contrast and heaviness to the conclusion, but here, it's everwhere it doesn't feel heavy at all. But I do like the vagueness of this, and theme seems constant

[thorn rain]

This is excellent. Really good command of language. The voice is really strong and repetition works, the whole poem functions as an echo. The poem could be condensed slightly in the middle so it hits emotionslly and intellectually all the way through. You could also cut the repetition at the end, or change it slightly. It's nice conceptually but it dilutes the impact while you’re reading it. The ending already aligns well with your voice, but if you wanted to sharpen it you could try something like this that uses the repetition that already exists in that stanza:

and something keeps
repeating

as if it forgets what it is
repeating

for.

[cursive pecan]

The stuttering “for / for / for” isn’t meant to be satisfying. It enacts a failure to terminate. It refuses the reader the pleasure of a clean stop — which aligns perfectly with:

“Because stopping would require
an ending,
and those are unavailable.”

[thorn rain]

That is valid. It just that it does loose the momentum. But as a stylistic choice, it definitely works conceptually.

[cursive pecan]

I agree. I was leaning into repetition as part of the system the poem describes, but I can see how that choice makes the conclusion feel less heavy rather than more. The vagueness and consistency matter to me, but I think the balance between repetition and contrast isn’t quite right yet.

[thorn rain]

I can see what you mean. I think you could just pick one or two places (possibly in the middle) and make them sharper and leave the rest, that would add contrast without changing those other elements too much.

[cursive pecan]

do you like the changes Ive made? @wary sedge

hope you dont mind the ping

[wary sedge]

Yes, it's better, good job