#Adultery with Zero Gravity

57 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

rotund raven
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we have closed all the doors
except the one made of breath

behind it

the furniture floats

the clocks make love

the walls confess
they were only ever
a rumor
keeping us apart

now even the keyholes
are pregnant with dawn

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@west loom

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@slender cave

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@frigid verge

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@turbid crow

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@rapid hedge

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@azure ermine

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@eternal ivy

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@modern tendon

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@twin depot

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@misty parcel

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@dire cave

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@sonic oriole

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@regal lagoon

rotund raven
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@stiff hedge

stiff hedge
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Read. Liked. Starred. Beautiful.

frigid verge
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damn this is beautiful

rotund raven
rotund raven
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@tender tinsel

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@stark wadi

tender tinsel
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''now even the keyholes
are pregnant with dawn''
how does on even come up with such lines hahaha

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I dig this too but I like Bean Sprout better

stark wadi
tender tinsel
rotund raven
west loom
rotund raven
candid wing
rotund raven
candid wing
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Your a great poet

rotund raven
blazing bough
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O, damn

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😳

candid wing
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@rotund raven if you have any other poetry I would love to read it

rotund raven
woven canyonBOT
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@soft hare is now following @rotund raven.

rotund raven
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@ashen field

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@soft hare thank you

rotund raven
soft hare
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My brain just said - there is no such free will. Just do it! - like the famous meme is telling you. 🤣

rotund raven
soft hare
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For being soo nice and kind to me!

soft hare
rotund raven
ashen field
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Your work is minimal and romantic in this way that feels effortless. Nice to read your stuff again!

rotund raven
rotund raven
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@compact gate

compact gate
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Summary:

  • Great title it’s intriguing (id change adultery probably cause the poem isnt that dark if you get me)

  • Clearly intentioned - fully emotive poem on purpose and successfully

  • Con - basicccc language all round. Breath, floats, confession, rumor.
    Used well but still basic which feels like a cut to quality for the emotive text BUT!
    It doesn't have to be and you can reach higher easily

  • Logic (im bias here though) - too short to have a whole anything, short poems tend to need to be more potent and concentrated making a less compact/kneaded poem (as in it needs more re drafts and re writes because the point is fleeting because you don't have time)

  • Shorter poems imo should drip with the writers sweat to a reach a decent level
    Aka the “story/narrative” (your connector) may feel rushed, empty, vapid however on the other side is if you have made it approachable and interpretive (as in broadly abstract vaguish open ended) then the reader construes/ renders their own conclusions that net them that positive reading experience - the sense of relation/fulfillment cause it makes sense to them

  • I'll forever hate these stanza structures but you did well for imagery. Well, not great with room for improvement. These stanzas evoke imagery quickly meaning when you talk about doors, furniture etc to then pregnant lock ah lost me -

“now even the keyholes, are pregnant with dawn”
This imagery is weak a hell cant lie, i just dont think it looks good (image wise its not concrete enough unless you paint a more vivid picture but you need better descriptors) if it was spoken word at least your could gesture it out and guide the tone you wanted on text i feel its awkward placement

  • That being said, I think for what it is right now the length of the work is actually fitting, it fits in with the amorphous essence of the poem. So improve creating sharp images with few words if you wanna keep to these types of formats, which is kinda hard work when gaining new terms and wording; You have to remember if its context and how it's used is even a common knowledge type thing, which is very tedious and draggy. Have fun

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WymQQRqTiVBGBJEEpRJ74W0nuSJ7XTvuC4jbvyQc7dM/edit?usp=sharing

Google Docs
Poetry Reviews

Beneath sorrow - Review I wrote with ink, but what spilled was something unstill— warm as blood, dirty as mud. Something so untastefully sharp it made the words feel unjust. So I wrote again, something darker than what had spilled, and brought into being a thing that made me much worse than a h...

opal rune
rotund raven
ashen field
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Your poems are romantic catharsis. I long for the effortless intensity they paint.

rotund raven