#To Defend His Homeland

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tall viper
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*'To defend his homeland',
The soldier was sent.
To some unknown land,
He felt was terribly bent.

Everything seemed fine,
"For you shall fight on the lines".
And he was thrilled,
Until he reached the battlefield.

For death reigned in these lands,
And the devil played his game.
He had fallen into a trance,
From which he wouldn't wake.

The sun turned away,
And the stars never shone.
For they were ashamed,
Of the fire that had grown.

Humanity itself died,
But the world sat quiet.
Thinking the olive branch they never watered,
Would bloom and spread throught the earth.

On earth, hell reigns
And the devil has made it his domain
For even God has forsaken
This world which into his hands he had taken.

'To defend his homeland'
The soldier went
Only to find
Their lies have no end.*

-neo

This was the poem that got me into writing about war, apocalyptic and an overall destructive theme. Not much rhythm at all, but still a poem that has much sentimental value for me.

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I feel like I could have extended this a lot, and I will revise this in the near future.

tall viper
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@woven kernel

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@analog quail

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@sturdy plume

woven kernel
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Yes it has rythm and good
Some places rythm is disturbed, over all quite a good piece

tall viper
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Danke :D

sturdy plume
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ooh, interesting one. the inconsistent rhyme patterns were throwing me off at first (switching between abab and aabb) - is this done purposefully to reflect the themes you present in here (the disillusionment with war, destruction, etc)?
overall i like this! i really like the 4th stanza - how even the cosmos are ashamed of the wars on earth - really brought out a sense of darkness. nicely done :)

tall viper
sturdy plume
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ah makes sense, its quite effective. you could definitely lean into it more to make it more jarring imo, but really nicely done as is

tall viper
tall viper
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@drifting thistle

drifting thistle
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So me gonna give feedback boop.
So basically it's very inconsistent,
Especially the rhymes in the first stanza are very forced, to the point you cheated with the syntax itself, don't force rhythm.
Then redundancy, you talk about the devil many times, it would have been better' to not have mentioned his name that many times, you could've not mentioned the devil at all, but shown how the circumstances are monstrous, and almost devil like. That's all I guess, great use of punctuation and line breaks, the formatting is awesome

tall viper
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Thank you :D

tall viper
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@novel solstice

tall viper
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.

tall viper
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@astral willow