Placebo

[cosmic root]

I take placebo pills in the pale night,
Their form— the vision of you by my side,
I'm at ease, I am pleased, I see the light,
My mind— a meadow, I run far and wide.

A treatment so routine, I'd forgotten—
Which sordid symptoms had I sought to cure?
This sugar might turn my insides rotten,
Perhaps you'd prefer if I remained pure.

Still, I swallow— Symphonies so sublime!
In your voice, a lullaby most divine,
Play, I pray, for just this patch of forged time,
So I may rejoice, for now you are mine

in my dreams where we may resume our dance,
Stay, my dear imaginary romance.

-# (edits: separated into stanzas, changed "in my" to "my dear" in the last line)

[mild mortar]

Awesome poem I'd suggest adding paragraphs

[mild jewel]

I like the bittersweet feeling it brings

[cosmic root]

noted! ty ^.^

@dusk comet :3

@fresh valve

[fresh valve]

Yes

[cosmic root]

poem :3

[fresh valve]

It's good

Romantic but one sided feels

[dusk comet]

Your wordings are sooo good

[fresh valve]

It's very good, rhythm and wording

And imagery

[cosmic root]

thank u yami :,) i felt like my rhythm was kinda choppy at times

[fresh valve]

It's at some places but it goes still good

[final talon]

there are a few places but i do really love this poem

from my experience the best way to bring meter to a poem is to think of it as music

not necessarily like a song but music that has a beat

if you know anything about music and different rhythms, think about triplets, eighth notes, sixteenth notes, etc.

but overall i do really love this poem

[cosmic root]

tysm, i appreciate the feedback <3 im not very musically inclined, i tend to be off beat :,) i originally intended to follow shakespearean sonnet form, but i wanted to include too many words/phrases that dont fit iambic so i scrapped that idea for this piece and left it as-is. but i'll keep this in mind for my next ones!

[fresh valve]

I also think of writing a sonnet

[cosmic root]

oooo you should, i'd love to read what you come up with!!

[fresh valve]

Just the problem is, my vocabulary and idioms I know are limited so it's a little bit difficult to write perfect iambic meter.

[cosmic root]

i feel u

[silent rover]

Wonderful! @cosmic root has just progressed to level 6!

[fresh valve]

But I made a piece already a structure wise

[timid root]

the diction you use, symphonies, meadow, pleased, lullaby, sugar, to describe such a bittersweet feeling, it fascinates me, im not quite sure how to explain the feelings this poem gives me but they contradict each other. Like when i cry I always laugh, laugh crying, this poem reminded me of when i laugh cry. Overall great poem i loved it.

[cosmic root]

heh yes, thank u for ur thoughts!! i appreciate the comparison to a laughing cry

[timid root]

LMAOOO YEA EXACLTYBTHAT

[hexed hollow]

I really like this. It’s pretty good

[cosmic root]

@warped token

[warped token]

Aw, I've been there and feel it from time to time. Wonderfully blissful piece to describe the notion of wishfully thinking... With a good rhythm.

[final talon]

something i noticed while rereading this is the punctuation choice

[lofty stump]

*something i noticed

while rereading this is the

punctuation choice*

- hutaosimp6843

[final talon]

its a small thing but there are some commas that feel more like periods

[cosmic root]

hmm do u find them disruptive to the flow?

[final talon]

nah in terms of if this were spoken it wouldn't make much of a difference

but it just seems a bit odd to me

for example line 3

unless thats meant to be a comma and im just tweaking

yeah actually it probably is

im just tweaking

i just had to edit an essay for 2 hours and study for a test my brains a lil fried 😭 mb

[cosmic root]

bro 😭 please get some rest 🫶🏼

[silent rover]

Wonderful! @cosmic root has just progressed to level 7!

[final talon]

got a lil bit

showered

finally got to shower after getting home from the gym 😭

[timid root]

ooooo good for youuuu

what’s ur goal like for going to the gym?

[final talon]

i play volleyball so just getting stronger and jumping higher

[timid root]

I LOVE VOLLEYBALL never played for a team but I love

it just bruises my forearms…

[final talon]

yeah it does bruise you at first

after a few days it doesn't hurt

[timid root]

that sounds like growing numb to pain

quite saddening

[final talon]

women's volleyballs do hurt more tho icl 😬

[final talon]

not rly

i mean maybe

but its your forearms so

[timid root]

jst saw ur bio, i love how calming it is

[silent rover]

Wonderful! @timid root has just progressed to level 7!

[timid root]

do u play professionally

[final talon]

lolll i used to have a bunch of stuff in there but

simplicity is best

[final talon]

nah im in hs

i play club tho

[timid root]

that’s niceeee I used to play basketball

Captain for three years

loved it

[final talon]

oooo

thats cool

[timid root]

in hs now I homeschool…

do u wanna play professionally in the furtive

[final talon]

yeah probably

[final talon]

like you're homeschooled now?

[timid root]

wish u the bestttttt

like genuinely

[timid root]

yeaa started in September graduating early in may

never thought I’d homeschool but here we areeeeee

[final talon]

any reason?

if you're open to sharing

[timid root]

ah well my parents don’t really trust me

at least not anymore ig

[cosmic root]

-# yall are awesome and all but theres other places to chat on this server besides my thread here 😭🫶🏼

[timid root]

lmaoooo

[final talon]

yeah mb got carried away lol

[timid root]

lol yeaa

I think it’s my fault but that’s okayyyy 😭

[potent lily]

Thy magical romance,
Is just the dream I sought,
For now this holy moment,
From thee I have got;
Of affection of such a reach,
That I shalt not even think,
Of going towards a breach,
Into sadness' brink.

[cosmic root]

ah the bard had arrived!
i thank thee for thy tune,
for my day'd been deprived
from dream ended too soon.
now the music is back,
i may rest my eyes
thoughts no longer pitch black
since this pleasant surprise!

[potent lily]

https://tenor.com/view/kaden-bear-walk-gif-7458441216561741282

[cosmic root]

@hexed rampart

[wispy wharf]

I think this is a quite solid piece. My one and only complaint would be that "night" and "light" rhyme is such an overused one and there are a lot of potential alternatives. However, it isn't some glaring detriment or anything similar, and the rest of the poem is quite solid. Great job!

[silent rover]

Wonderful! @wispy wharf has just progressed to level 11!

[cosmic root]

thank you for your feedback. duly noted! may i please ping you in one more of mine? i'd really appreciate your critical eye on it (i need harsher criticism, rly wanna improve 😭)
i'd also love to read more of your work if you'd like to ping me. thank you again!

[wispy wharf]

Sure thing!

[somber vessel]

WOAHHH

THIS IS GREAT

Love the way you play with rhythm here, it adds to a sort of "placebo" effect as it may haha

Stunning stuff

[cosmic root]

ahhh thank u!! :,)

[agile escarp]

I love this poem a lot!

[cosmic root]

aw thank u so much!!

[cosmic root]

@ripe flame here's one of my older pieces if u wna read ^.^

[ripe flame]

ofcc

[ripe flame]

I quite like the language, structure, and concept, but I feel that calling them placebo pills at the beginning is confusing me, since;

Are they actually placebos? In which case that wouldn't work because placebo implies the speaker doesn't know they're placebos
Are they real pills the speaker thinks are placebos?
Are they actually placebos and the speaker is just naturally hallucinogenic?

Either way; I feel the poem would feel more tightened/focused if it was a bit clearer what was causeing the hallucinations. Maybe just an implication, doesn't have to be explicit.

[cosmic root]

thank youu. its moreso the speaker comparing using their imagination to taking a placebo pill, like being self-aware that its not actually beneficial but still taking it anyways/ imagining anyways. but i understand how thats unclear. yay i appreciate your response!
-# this is actually my personal least favourite but somehow most liked poem out of my collection, so its validating to hear someone actually point out its flaws and unclarity

[ripe flame]

I see what you mean! I think that's such a cool concept! It deserves a rewrite or edit if you're up to it

I get what you mean! This poem is pretty and nice; but it's kind of feels like you're just jangling keys in front of the reader sometimes instead of giving them something to digest. I feel the same way a lot of the time ❤️

Especially since I'm someone who thrives of constructive critiques; always been told they're a sign of care, and not inadequacy; but help to do better

[cosmic root]

yesss best way to improve is constructive criticism (goes hand in hand with learning from mistakes, which is why i love experimenting). definitely reworking this— hehe 3rd time's the charm, bc this piece is a rewrite of a "poem" i wrote 7yrs ago. i decided to turn it into something shareable & not awful, and now im excited to make something i'm actually proud of ^.^ just stuck between going back to free verse, fixing this into a proper sonnet with meter, or choosing another form entirely so many options. gonna keep playing around with it; it'll take a while before this reaches its final form. thank you again for reading & sharing your thoughts, it has been quite helpful