#The first villanelle (Revises)

63 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

upbeat glacier
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My tangled memories have dragged me where?
Oh my beautiful land, just where are you?
Wherever I find the path, just let me out; I don't care.

Ghosts chasing me to no end—just how much of this snare?
It must have come from that one flower brew.
My tangled memories have dragged me where

Those flowers must have come from the large lair.
Oh no, it must be the tendency of my heart: you.
Wherever I find the path, just let me out; I don't care.

What's this forest, what's this desert, and what is this wear?
This poison should be from that one group, that dark duo.
My tangled memories have dragged me where?

Curse the mind, where am I set? Just tell me where.
Oh God, help me where I am at; it's only you.
Wherever I find the path, just let me out; I don't care.

Move it, move it, dear hand; I know you are there.
Oh, my hand, please move. You're the only hope; it is you.
My tangled memories have dragged me where?
Wherever I find the path, just let me out; I don't care.

neon agate
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Beautiful

upbeat glacier
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@next grail

upbeat glacier
neon agate
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well it's nice the way that it is but I believe punctuation is a powerful tool in poetry and you could use it more to convey some emotions

upbeat glacier
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I did again put one and more place where comma needed to be put

sick lightBOT
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*I did again put

one and more place where comma

needed to be put*

- yami4876
upbeat glacier
upbeat glacier
neon agate
neon agate
upbeat glacier
sick lightBOT
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*Like a piece of poem

always dance to a single

consistent rythm*

- yami4876
upbeat glacier
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Without changing it

neon agate
upbeat glacier
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I meant write it in that rythm, two rythm but same syllables count

sick lightBOT
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*I meant write it in

that rythm, two rythm but

same syllables count*

- yami4876
upbeat glacier
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And same Rythm

neon agate
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personally I write poetry when I'm feeling all over the place so my poems are also usually all over the place but it helps calm me down

neon agate
upbeat glacier
upbeat glacier
neon agate
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can't wait

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I hope u the best with it

upbeat glacier
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Thanks

upbeat glacier
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@chilly needle

upbeat glacier
upbeat glacier
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@next grail

upbeat glacier
next grail
upbeat glacier
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This one

next grail
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Okay okay found it

next grail
upbeat glacier
next grail
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Mhmm...I suppose then you are right in this poetry

upbeat glacier
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@ornate meadow

upbeat glacier
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@ocean yoke

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I revised it grammatically

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Change two lines to make sense

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Yeah grinded it in first quilbot it put all intended punctuation , then put in ai which sentence are awkward and then change them

upbeat glacier
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If i say how much time it took to write and revise, its 1 hour or mostly 1 hour and 30 minutes when i write and now i revise it combined

ocean yoke
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Love the revisions you made. It'll take some time to be languid in another language, but remember brevity is good at some points e.g. 'the poison should be from that group, that duo' could be shortened to

'the poison slithers in lead between dark duos' or something like that, it's just style preference really

upbeat glacier
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@cursive ore

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@timber lichen

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@bleak hawk

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@analog creek

analog creek
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ooo well done! feeling lost.. stuck.. in the memories. have u thought of a title for this piece?

bleak hawk
upbeat glacier
upbeat glacier
upbeat glacier
upbeat glacier
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@nocturne crest

upbeat glacier
nocturne crest
brisk schoonerBOT
nocturne crest
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Ah... This is very interesting

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The emotions conveyed, everything is so beautiful

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Just lovely

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The only critique is that you sometimes stick to the rhyme scheme, and sometimes don't. It feels a bit inconsistent, but it is very beautiful indeed.

upbeat glacier
nocturne crest