The Air Touching Me

[hearty dome]

There’s air touching me.
It protrudes through my skin
Under layers of fat and sin
Into my bones and marrow
And out as fecal matter

I don’t like the reminder the air makes
Of the bed beneath me and the point of connection
Above my calf, below my thigh
The air brushes to the knee
I kick out, remembering my reflexes

I throw the blanket over my knees
Hiding my thighs, my feet uncovered
The air tickles them, I giggle a sob
Because it hurts to live and breathe
But the air keeps touching me

[graceful summit]

I love the concept but I feel like you could improve the language a bit, especially in the beginning and the end, just for it to have more of an impact

[hearty dome]

A ravenous melancholy

[hearty dome]

What do you think of this edit?

I share my space with the air
It protrudes through my skin
Under layers of fat and sin
Into my bones and marrow
And out through my lungs

Every breath is a reminder
Of the bed beneath me and the point of connection
Above my calf, below my thigh
The air brushes my knee
I kick out, remembering my reflexes

The air permeates my skin
Quicker than I can eject
Ruining homeostasis
Absorbing my internal mechanisms
A ravenous melancholy

The Air Touching Me

[graceful summit]

Largest organ is a goofy periphrase and please remove fecal matter 🙏

What could that possibly have to do with the message

[hearty dome]

Are those two whant was bothering you most? is this edit better?

They didn't really have an exact meaning they were just there

[hearty dome]

Sorry I'm nagging you I just see that this poem does have flaws and isn't really doing what it needs to and would like to improve even if it means harsh criticsm ❤️

[cunning mulch]

It's uncomfortable, close, and you let the reader sit inside that hyper-awareness of your own body without flinching. The only piece for refinements for is the opening image, not because its bad, but because it jumps straight to "air protruding through my skin" and "layers of fat and sin," which is emotionally a little for a first line. You don't need to change the meaning, just give the reader one small anchor before the heavier language drops: maybe start with how the air feels before how it "invades," or add one concrete physical detail. The cold on the knee, a prickle along the calf. This way we enter the discomfort slowly rather straight to the deep end. You already build the escalation great with the calf/thigh/knee moment, the reflexive kick, and the blanket scene; adjusting the very first beat would let the rest of the poem climb naturally and make those later images land even harder. Overall, its vulnerable, effective, and a well told kind of unsettling