Unbound by Flesh

[stable turtle]

No mystique remains.
only the tremor of an ersatz divinity draped loosely in its own forgetting.
Phantom silhouettes convene on the wall,
their borrowed dusk stitched from gestures too remote to name,
unravelling as they strive to hold a shape.
Antiquated myths splinter beneath the indifferent glare of manufactured light,
their ceremonial vestments slipping askew to reveal the threadbare opulence of promises rehearsed into exhaustion-
syllables echoing long after the voice dissolves.
What persists is only the contour of a question shaken loose from meaning,
a gilt frame bereft of radiance,
waiting in its vestibule of hush for some elusive actuality to wander back into view.
And in that sweet silence, the burden softens,
unravelling gently.
Hear my heart once more.
our tremor was always meant for you;
and still, the coda must unfold.

[soft star]

whats an ersatz bro

[wanton oxide]

bad product

[soft star]

imo ur using hard words to make the poem seem richer, if you want your poems to be more emotional make your vocabulary slightly simpler

[stable turtle]

Its origin is in the german "ersatz", which means something around the lines of "replacement".

I recently found out that that is an actual word in the english language and therefore I felt like including it.

[wanton oxide]

the russian and english definition are slightly different

[soft star]

alot of words from other languages get into English

[stable turtle]

I know

[drowsy furnace]

Wonderful! @stable turtle has just progressed to level 1!

[stable turtle]

But "ersatz" just seemed too obscure to ignore.

What I focused on was creating this uncomforting, washed out environment and in the ending, I wanted to change the perspective away from this metaphysical and rather to a "human" one.

Something around the lines of: "not all hope is lost yet".

still, the end is here

[wanton oxide]

Capitalize the 'o' in 'only' in the 2nd line

In the 4th line change dusk to skin

the 'threadbare opulence' line is an oxymoron, idk if you were trying to go for that but overall it can def be reworded better

add 'and' before 'syllables'

add a comma after 'waiting'

add a period after 'softens' and leave the 'u' in unraveling lowercase

capitalize the 'o' in 'our'

put 'the coda must unfold' in it's own separate line

[drowsy furnace]

Wonderful! @wanton oxide has just progressed to level 5!

[wanton oxide]

oh uncomforting

ngl the wordiness and abstract syntaxes did not make it feel uncomforting, more so gray-nostalgic

try to convey your message more in each line and have an emphasis on what each line is about

and for an 'uncomforting' vibe dont capitalize anything

[rustic root]

:heart: @stable turtle has bookmarked this thread! :heart:

[stable turtle]

"What once was bright now has lost all its meaning"

[stable turtle]

whoopsies, missclick

Thank you for all the feedback!

I really appreciate that

: )