#The Boy Unnamed

85 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

frosty perch
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Credits to @plucky atlas , this is his poem.

At city’s edge, where lamplight fades,
In silent, stony urban glades,
And buildings lean with breathless grace,
A boy once lived without a face.

Not lost, not found, just was, then not,
His name like something time forgot.
A rusted door, a third-floor room,
That held the scent of stone and gloom.

His mother drank her days to ash,
A blanket curled, a bottle's splash.
She called him "boy" when words would come,
Then sank back down, unspeaking, numb.

He fed on crusts the stray dogs missed,
And once, a candle—halfway—kissed
His tongue, to see if fire could stay
Inside him, burn the dark away.

No one had told him when he’d grown,
Or why the calendar, alone,
Still whispered April seventy-eight
While winter shivered through the gate.

The school had sent a note, once, bent—
His mother smoked it then, content.
And so the boy would walk instead,
To train tracks lined with flowers dead—

Yet stubborn—blooms that clawed through frost
Like beauty mourning what it lost.
He’d press his ear to iron's hum
To hear not trains—but something come.

One Tuesday, in the brittle light,
He drew a house—askew, but bright.
A bowl of apples, yellow-glazed,
A crooked smile, a face half-raised.

He pinned it down beneath a stone.
He watched the wind, and felt alone.

That week, the ceiling broke in two.
The plaster whispered what it knew.
They found the woman, still and grey.
The boy, like breath, had slipped away.

And later, by the tracks, a page
Still clung beneath its rocky cage.
The colors gone, the smile remained—
Unclaimed. Unsaved. A boy unnamed.

A stranger let the paper fly.
It twisted once, then touched the sky

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@plucky atlas

plucky atlas
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Heyy nice

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thankss

frosty perch
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anytime, homie

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I'll get to it in a while, I promise

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for now, tho, just after a cursory glance- fix the second line

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charades doesn't work there

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find a better rhyme

plucky atlas
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Hmm, very well

frosty perch
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the absence of an article before city works metrically, but it feels syntactically off. still, we'll consider that poetic license and let it slide.

Not lost, not found, just was, then not,
His name like something time forgot.

these two lines are magnificent. they feel inevitable. the rhyme is practically invisible. well done.

the next two lines of stanza 2 are also awesome. no meaningful critique to offer here, i couldn't have written it better myself.

the third one feels a little weak- "drank to ash" is an interesting expression but feels a bit crude. still, it can stay- it's not so bad it ruins the stanza.

stanza 6, line 2 is 7 syllables, breaks meter. you can fix that, i won't bother rewriting the line for you coz you're clearly talented enough to do it well yourself. just a suggestion- "his mother smoked it then, content"- maintains meter and meaning without changing much.

the rest of the stanzas are beautiful.

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outstanding work, my friend

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this is rly solid poetry, bravo 👏

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it's been a while since i've read a poem this well written

frosty perch
plucky atlas
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how about

as amber dusk through alleys wades

?

frosty perch
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as amber dusk, through alleys, wades

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feels a bit forced for the rhyme

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it works for now, but keep trying

plucky atlas
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what if

where evening settles on the grade

?

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does that work?

frosty perch
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wud u like me to try my hand at it?

plucky atlas
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sure thing

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give it a go

frosty perch
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@plucky atlas

option 1:

At city's edge where lamplight fades
And screams drown out all serenades

option 2:

At city's edge, where lamplight fades
In silent, stony urban glades

option 3:
At city's edge where lamplight fades
Where urban limits meet the glades

option 4:
At city's edge where lamplight fades
A landscape scarred by airtime raids

plucky atlas
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I like option 2

rose marlinBOT
plucky atlas
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I think that's a nice one

frosty perch
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i personally liked the fourth one best, tbh, but maybe that's not the vibe u wanna go for with ur poem

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so yeah, second one works too

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the imagery and alliteration in that line is nice ig

plucky atlas
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Yeahh

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4th is a nice one, but I like 2nd better

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At city’s edge, where lamplight fades,
In silent, stony urban glades,
And buildings lean with breathless grace,
A boy once lived without a face.

Not lost, not found, just was, then not,
His name like something time forgot.
A rusted door, a third-floor room,
That held the scent of stone and gloom.

His mother drank her days to ash,
A blanket curled, a bottle's splash.
She called him "boy" when words would come,
Then sank back down, unspeaking, numb.

He fed on crusts the stray dogs missed,
And once, a candle—halfway—kissed
His tongue, to see if fire could stay
Inside him, burn the dark away.

No one had told him when he’d grown,
Or why the calendar, alone,
Still whispered April seventy-eight
While winter shivered through the gate.

The school had sent a note, once, bent—
His mother smoked it then, content.
And so the boy would walk instead,
To train tracks lined with flowers dead—

Yet stubborn—blooms that clawed through frost
Like beauty mourning what it lost.
He’d press his ear to iron's hum
To hear not trains—but something come.

One Tuesday, in the brittle light,
He drew a house—askew, but bright.
A bowl of apples, yellow-glazed,
A crooked smile, a face half-raised.

He pinned it down beneath a stone.
He watched the wind, and felt alone.

That week, the ceiling broke in two.
The plaster whispered what it knew.
They found the woman, still and grey.
The boy, like breath, had slipped away.

And later, by the tracks, a page
Still clung beneath its rocky cage.
The colors gone, the smile remained—
Unclaimed. Unsaved. A boy unnamed.

A stranger let the paper fly.
It twisted once, then touched the sky

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should be the new one, better than the original?

frosty perch
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well done, man

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how long hv u been writing poetry?

plucky atlas
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thank you very much! that feedback was what I needed

plucky atlas
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What about you?

frosty perch
frosty perch
plucky atlas
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damn

frosty perch
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only discovered meter 3 months ago, tho

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so u cud also say i've only been writing formal poetry for 3 months

plucky atlas
frosty perch
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are you telling me

plucky atlas
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so I guess you can say I'm a beginner?

frosty perch
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you wrote a piece in perfect iambic tetrameter

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without even knowing what that word means

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💀

plucky atlas
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Yeah I never knew what iambic tetrameter is

frosty perch
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im crazy impressed

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if this is how u write without knowing what meter is

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dude i can't wait to see your ceiling

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how old are you?

frosty perch
plucky atlas
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of course I would

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Please do share

plucky atlas
frosty perch
plucky atlas
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and you are?

(I'm sure it's elder than 6)

frosty perch
plucky atlas
frosty perch
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turned 17 this august

plucky atlas
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that's GREAT progress then

frosty perch
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still got a long way to go

plucky atlas
frosty perch
plucky atlas
frosty perch
plucky atlas
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Now I wanna read it

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could you share it?

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DMs, of course, I don't mind