The Moon

[pallid quarry]

@peak quail @honest kernel @bronze raptor @outer junco

<@&1145760802666717234>

[honest kernel]

#1441461132614438954 @pallid quarry @bronze raptor please

This a light heartfelt one wow

[bronze raptor]

It truly shows your love and devotion for god.
But ig, just ig, that there is no smooth rhythm in this poem,
I just don't know because I have never read these type of poems

[pallid quarry]

yes, I wrote this one in last may, I hadn't learned to write rhythmed poems back then

my new ones are better and are metric too, but I wanna use my oldies too, they had pure emotions

[bronze raptor]

You can ask @glad pilot
For very detailed feedback

Rather than that,

Your poems speaks of you and lord,
For beauty comes within the heart,
May sadness cover every place,
I hope your devotion will'nt ever get worse.

[bronze raptor]

That they have, Aye

[glad pilot]

I'm coming lol

@bronze raptor

[bronze raptor]

Yaay, Sire Ashley to the rescue
Aye Aye Captian.

[pallid quarry]

can you give me a feedback?

[bronze raptor]

Oh this person "@glad pilot" is the feedback, no offense

[glad pilot]

This is an interesting take on the world.

Just a bit of confusion on the first 2 lines ...

"Has God created what's prettier than the moon
I bet we can not say on earth"

I feel like a comma could be useful after the word moon, as it naturally causes the reader to take a breath and think about what your saying.

Furthermore, it helps the flow a bit better as I was reading the words as 1 sentence and as 1 sentence, it doesn't make the most sense

[bronze raptor]

I Agree 👍

[honest kernel]

@pallid quarry yoi