#Chocolate eyes

158 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

cloud spadeBOT
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@royal lagoon has sent a notification! - @weak sentinel @burnt mica @rustic spindle @regal breach @feral zealot @weary haven @rich eagle @bold axle @thorn jacinth @tidal bramble @somber fable @keen meadow @tribal mountain @stable condor @marble rose @fathom mauve @tidal nimbus @trail geyser @outer rose @winter relic @fervent cloak @honest pawn @opal lagoon @lament dove @willow silo @teal kestrel @slender saddle @rapid lion @turbid pond @jade fox @gaunt breach @vocal sun

royal lagoon
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@long mist @cinder cloud @plain patrol

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@gaunt breach @fresh spoke @hoary zenith

long mist
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I LOVE IT

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I absolutely adore it when poems are about eyes, I don't know.. There's just so much feeling.. And passion? I'm awestruck, did not expect to read a piece like this today, thank you

royal lagoon
long mist
cloud spadeBOT
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@long mist has sent a notification! - @royal lagoon @nocturne crown @stable lodge @novel blade

long mist
royal lagoon
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💐

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thank you thank you thank youu!!

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@leaden tundra

long mist
royal lagoon
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@pallid pollen @pine delta

fresh spoke
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"his eyes hold secrets you can’t dig up or find, but he might show you if you’re one of a kind." omg that’s such a beautiful way to say he doesn’t trust easily,but when he does, it’s special. yr not demanding his secrets, ur honored to be let in. "his eyes are the soil, and i’m the seed;" man what a gentle n powerful way to describe how his presence helps you grow. ur not losing yrself in him, ur rooting deeper bc of him

royal lagoon
royal lagoon
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@viscid rock @marsh ore

urban kraken
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wait i love thiss

royal lagoon
urban kraken
royal lagoon
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🫶

viscid rock
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His eyes hold secrets
you can’t dig up or find

This line is sooo good and the entire poem is amazing I like how sometimes the poem rhyme to grab the old style and not make the poem boring

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I love it alot

royal lagoon
royal lagoon
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@stable lodge

stable lodge
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Woah

royal lagoon
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@lament dove

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<@&1145760802666717234>

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@hidden gust

royal lagoon
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@warm otter

warm otter
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This is really good!

royal lagoon
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thank youu

royal lagoon
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@rancid tinsel

royal lagoon
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@ebon tundra

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thank you so much I appreciate itt

royal lagoon
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@gritty kelp

ebon tundra
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Holy crap this is good. I don't even know where to start unpacking it.

royal lagoon
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||if there is one||

ebon tundra
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Are you okay with a bit of criticism?

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there's a couple small things that can be improved

royal lagoon
royal lagoon
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please tell

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also there's the tag that says harsh criticism so

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don't hold back

ebon tundra
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oops I didn't see the tags lol

royal lagoon
ebon tundra
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"His eyes- hazel and almond
turn each glance
into a quiet chance
to stare,
to look,
to open a book
into something divine,
where even the stars
fall into line."

I LOVE THIS ENDING. "to stare, to look, to open a book" is so fun to say. Dropping some filler words could make this ending maybe a bit more flowy if that's what you're going for.

to stare,
to look,
to open a book
into something divine,
where even stars
fall in line."

If you like it, here's how I changed it so you can spot what to do in the future;
"into something divine" is 6 syllables, My general advice is (when rhyming) that you can go over or under one syllable without it sounding too out of place. It seems like the last 2 lines fit kind of on the same line in terms of syllable counts, which means we can add the sum of them together and aim to get either 5, 6, or 7. Cutting 'the' from the first one makes it 4, and then substituting 'in' instead of 'into' gives us the nice 'fall in line' idiom, and brings us down to 3 syllables. 4 + 3 is 7 so it fits into the range.

His eyes have a glow
that stays hidden,
a light only he
has ever written.

ABCB is one of my fav rhyme schemes, and your words make this stanza really shine!! Its a similar thing with this stanza as in the last one; 'That stays hidden' is 4, and 'has ever written' is 5. We're in the nice range, but we can do a little better.

His eyes have a glow
forever hidden,
a light only he
has ever written.

Picking 'forever' instead of 'that stays' adds an extra syllable, and you get a fun internal rhyme with 'has ever'.

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I have some more as well but discord hates long messages

royal lagoon
royal lagoon
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thank you

ebon tundra
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You're welcome 🙏

royal lagoon
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💐

ebon tundra
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"*His eyes are dark chocolate, *
like the quiet trees in a forest—
not emerald, not ocean blue,
but steady, honest."

I love your imagery. The quiet trees is such a strong and unique simile. to make this stanza flow a little better you'd need sacrifice some of the descriptions, which is very unfortunate.

His eyes are dark chocolate
*Quiet trees in a forest— *
*not emerald, not blue, *
but steady, honest.

This is how I'd make that kind of compromise, but if the imagery is more important and relevant, then I'd make no changes at all.

"His eyes are a gift,
waiting to be gently unpacked;
he keeps them guarded
until someone learns the code to hack."

Okay this stanza feels really clunky. The rhyme feels kind of forced. I see the vision however, but I don't know how I'd make the unpack rhyme work. I might switch out the stanza for something else. Here's one I made literally just now to give you inspiration

"His eyes are like marble,
a beautiful gaze
embellished with ochre
like autumn ablaze"

royal lagoon
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and thanks for the inspooo

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I'll think about itt

ebon tundra
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yeah no worries

royal lagoon
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@marsh ore

marsh ore
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@royal lagoon I'm in love with the way you write
The love the emotions your poetries carry
You will make me tear up SobbinTheLanaDelReyOut

royal lagoon
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I hope it's good tears 😭

marsh ore
pine delta
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It kind if tells about me in a way

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I had a crush and, i really did love her. Lost nights of sleep thinking about her, when i wake up and when keep on living i loved her with every part of my existence

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Im not that person in the poem, but for her being that person would be the least of the things that i'd do

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But, i couldnt write this poem

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Not comparing but just, in awe by how beautiful it is to be able to write something like this

royal lagoon
pine delta
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Yeah thats

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what i was thinkin too

royal lagoon
royal lagoon
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@wide birch

royal lagoon
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@pallid pollen

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@teal kestrel

teal kestrel
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Welp I found this one

royal lagoon
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*lolz

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and 700 poems is crazy

teal kestrel
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Also

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Your poems r very good

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But like

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This will come off as wrong

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But how do u get so many likesss

royal lagoon
teal kestrel
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Yeah yeah

royal lagoon
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also it doesn't sound wrong

royal lagoon
teal kestrel
royal lagoon
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someone asked me the same thing before

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lolz

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idkkkk

teal kestrel
royal lagoon
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also thank youu

royal lagoon
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I write a lot so prolly improved

teal kestrel
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I'd say tag me

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But I'd probs lose it

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God darn I really need to fix that

royal lagoon
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it'd be easier if u followed me

royal lagoon
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u must be busy then

teal kestrel
teal kestrel
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I wanna say I am

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Yk

royal lagoon
teal kestrel
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I used too open the poems every time I got tagged

royal lagoon
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OHHH

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that's whyy

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I learned not to make that mistake

teal kestrel
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But after a while it piled up and well, irl life hit yk?

teal kestrel
royal lagoon
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realll

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so relatable

teal kestrel
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Just so that annoying dot went away

royal lagoon
royal lagoon
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HAHAHAHA

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||did the same dw||

teal kestrel
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Lol

royal lagoon
royal lagoon
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@visual sparrow @surreal yew

visual sparrow
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Very delicious

royal lagoon
royal lagoon
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@vestal pollen

royal lagoon
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@wicked kernel

wicked kernel
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.

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.

royal lagoon
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sooo

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wot u think

royal lagoon
wicked kernel
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It's boring

royal lagoon
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ugh you're boring

rapid lion
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BEAUTIFUL

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STUNNING

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the rhymes broh de rhymesssss

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ohh i need lore on THIS

royal lagoon
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lolz

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also thank youuu

royal lagoon
royal lagoon
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@whole sleet

whole sleet
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omg

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this is so cute

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I've written alot based of his eyes too

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i love this

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the dark chocolate one

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that's so cute

royal lagoon
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thank you so muchh