"Between Mind and Mess"

[vital lintel]

I like it

[limber sierra]

Glad to know

[vital lintel]

Did you just write it?

[limber sierra]

@rugged birch @real badge @near dove

[limber sierra]

Yeah

[vital lintel]

You should revise the third paragraph

[limber sierra]

Alright can you tell me?

[rugged birch]

love love loveee the poemmm it's really good and especially the first parts and the line thoughts twist and strangle me til I forget how to breathe is js ahhh I get the feeling 🤧💗🫂

[limber sierra]

thank youu

[vital lintel]

I’m stuck somewhere
Between what’s right
And what’s on my mind.
The Thoughts twist
And strangle me,
Till I forget to breathe.

People say a lot of mean things
Good, bad, in-between.
The best thing that can be done
Is to ignore what they say
That’s what my mind says
But the heart is never staid
Does the heart ever listen?
No.

[vital lintel]

I changed some things

Idk if it’s a good change or not

My change is definitely not correct fix but I do think some wording can be changed to better the poem as a whole

The flow is broken I believe in the second and third paragraphs

[twilit eagle]

*The flow is broken

I believe in the second

and third paragraphs*

- curae

[limber sierra]

Ahh i got it you made it even nore clear i didn't add those stuff its good thank u for ur suggestion

@coarse drum

[coarse drum]

The sensory theme is so strong here. 'blind', 'feels', 'breathe', 'listen', 'pain', 'suffer', 'bleed', 'noise'.

I'm not sure if that was the intention but it landed so well with me.

I also like the almost resignation in the line. 'That's just how our minds are molded'. Creates an inevitability. That we're stuck.

[near dove]

"like we're build to break ourselves" one of the realest and raw lines