#Silence in the Moonlight

26 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

teal lake
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Silence stretches as my pen lays unused on the wooden, bleak desk.
I leave my room, feelings remaining in my brain instead of paper.
Stepping outside was a miracle to me—
the air smelled of freshly cut grass and yearly regret.

I saw prices for coffee on an old, rusty chalkboard.
That was weird, because the only numbers I knew was the date of your birth.
Everything was eerily quiet— like the air knew secrets I didn't.

Walking back home felt like entering chains again.
It was Halloween of 2025, derealization hitting me once again.
As I stared into the void, it looks at me back with hatred
As a stream of thoughts race through my mind.

I stared at the photos on my wall
Wondering where all of this has gone into.
I glanced at the constellations of stars
Hoping life would've given me a better outcome.

shrewd cobaltBOT
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@teal lake has sent a notification! - @mortal mason @sonic garden @outer pond @limpid heron @prime birch @sweet briar

teal lake
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@pulsar holly

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@faint path

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@slate citrus

shrewd cobaltBOT
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@faint path is now following @teal lake.

pulsar holly
teal lake
slate citrus
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Love the middle two stanzas. They convey silent, lost-loss and aimless wandering. There's acceptance in this, and coldness, and tiredness. I liked it

teal lake
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I'm glad ya liked it, hit

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@spiral ingot

teal lake
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@modest scroll

teal lake
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@somber fulcrum

spiral ingot
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Mmm, this is very nice. Almost a meditative, somber feeling, like you’ve sat down trying to feel but just couldn’t manage to. There are a few places that I would personally write different tho, for example, some parts really feel like they aren’t trusting the reader to interpret them, and because of that seep a teensy bit into overstatement.

Take this for example: “silence . . . as my pen lays unused . . . desk,” here, I would omit “unused” and simply trust my reader to intuit that not much work got done. Especially since the line after restates that in a different way

The line “that was weird. . .was the date of your birth” could be changed into “that was weird . . . were your date of birth. As the original sentence structure messed with my flow as a reader

A good tip that I use in a lot of poetry is this: go back over whatever you’ve written and look at all the similes, if it can be condensed into a metaphor without losing meaning and flow, it’s typically better to do so. A good example of this is in the 3rd stanza, which would hit just as hard and maintain flow by simply replacing “felt like” with “was”. Another thing, you repeat “again” directly after this line which makes it feel a little repetitive, it might do your poem a service to rephrase that line.

Overall, good poem! Keep writing!

teal lake
teal lake
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@steady vault

steady vault
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Imma read it in a while

teal lake
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Ok

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@open pine

open pine
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This is a great write Audrey, it gives a clear story and narrative!

steady vault
# teal lake <@1199799972095336562>

It was a really stingy one ngl
The pain and depression one goes through and it’s not just there is one pain but multiple layers of it, the person is going through.
Pain of solitude and loneliness
Pain of losing someone
Pain of regretting decisions
Pain of others life going normally
And in the end
Pain of not even being able to write what you wanna write
Sry I wasn’t aware of your game mam. Thanks for getting me depressed. Jk loved it
It was a great read.

teal lake
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glad you loved it

teal lake
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@sweet briar

teal lake
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@eternal topaz

teal lake
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@opaque parrot read this too

opaque parrot
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You're so versed in putting us in a capsule of time. Personifying the air is one of my favourite literary techniques 👊