Longing

[random ruin]

I want to sing a song
The words to which I don’t remember
Lately I’ve dreamt of places I’d forgotten
I want to kiss the hand
That brought me warmth last December
The hand that held a love I can’t recall.

I was to sing you songs
I’ve kept- written in silent chambers
Staying still, watching the flowers bloom and wither
I want to take your hand
Before you drift away again, a dying ember
To fuel it, my letters fly as it burns them all.

I want to write you a poem
Worth reading, words unnumbered
Memories visit me of an old friend, gifts I’ve gotten
I want to hold close the soul
That sits with me in silence, where I cower

Breathing (the sound of life), reaching past my walls.

[random ruin]

@lament skiff here!!

[lament skiff]

I really like this poem, you did great

my only critique is that there's a few grammatical errors I think, unless they were intended

it still reads nicely though

idk if you want me to point them out

[random ruin]

do you mean the puntuation? cuz I tend to avoid periods unless its the end of a paragraph

[random ruin]

no i'd appreciate that honestly 😭

I wanna know where I could improve, I don't wanna be stuck at one point of tone in my writing

[lament skiff]

no that's alright that still reads okay in poetry

[lament skiff]

but yeah I will then one sec, it's just a few

[lament skiff]

1. second stanza first line. this might not be a grammatical error, but since you don't use punctuation, this line and the next kinda seem seperate. "I was to sing you songs I've kept" sounds perfectly good, but one can read it as "I want to sing you songs.... I've kept-" and that doesn't read as well. I'd suggest making the next line start at "written".
   so it's like "I was to sing you songs I've kept- written in silent chambers"

okay now the rest is actually grammatical errors. in the next line, "watching the flowers bloom and rotten".
rotten means past tense, but you said watching which means present tense.
just rot would be good, or better yet "wither" since it actually rhymes with ember.

I think you fixed the other error already bc I can't find it lol

[random ruin]

i seee

[wanton grotto]

Wonderful! @random ruin has just progressed to level 5!

[lament skiff]

sorry I yapped there

[lament skiff]

whoooooo!!!!!

[random ruin]

no wonder some of my writing feels too much of a mouthful

[random ruin]

no no, that was very helpful actually !!

I'll be keeping this in mind next time I writee

[lament skiff]

it didn't feel like that at all to me

[random ruin]

you're too nice to me 💔

thankyou so much for your feedback!!!

[lament skiff]

not at all, literally just saying what I think

[lament skiff]

I'm not actually a very good poet yet, so I don't give feedback very often.
however I'm good at grammar, so I can at least help with that

[random ruin]

well, your thoughts are very kind

[random ruin]

grammar is the one thing i'm absolutely BUNS at, so your feedback was really helpful frr