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#the khaki ledger
crude sequoia
whole burrow
hardy shard
This ping goes in #🖇・poetry-feedback-help
You accompany the ping with a link to your poem
As for the poem itself, in several places you bring in metaphors that sound compelling at a glance but require elaboration, ie: a 'void black fridge' is it hunger, emotional, or some other meaning.
the diction reads well, the flow is fine and your voice is consistent. It's very descriptive and the passion for contemporary free verse shines through! I love this poem.
hardy shard
I understand the poem, I don't feel like the structure mimics the content in a very complimentary way and I do feel like the metaphors are flat and nondescript.
I'm not saying it's a bad poem it just doesn't resonate
With me
graceful orbit
My understanding of the poem - it appears to be a comment on poverty and that it's - ironically - the 'inheritance' passed down like a family heirloom. The metaphors work for me in most places but it sort of jumps. The repetition I do like. The repeated use of 'static' is good. Because, like the word itself, it brings you back to the same pattern and draws you back to the same place.
The repeated use of the word 'khakis' does help bring it back to your main point and reinforces the idea that they'll keep being passed down through the generations much like it keeps getting presented to the reader- though personally I'd use it a bit more sparingly, almost in a 'show don't tell' way. - But that is incredibly specific to my personal preferences when reading and not necessarily a critique on your writing.
unique lodge
I really like the start so far, up until children's laughter, there's just something quite vague and overused about that. I love the word choice of souvenir sleep. So far it's very evocative, I'm seeing wartime photographs, very sepia tinted. Act II stansa 1 is wondrous, no words, and the end, the little line summing everything up I very like as well
Overall I feel you have a very good grasp on poetic techniques, it flows very nicely, subject matter doesn't really have much personal value to me but in comparison to other wartime poetry I think yours does something different, it feels more textural and domestic
That's the vibe I got
Maybe I read into the imagery wrong
I see
The khakis?
Name tagged so she'd remember, my number waiting makes me thing of evacuation
Ok I think perhaps I'm just reading it wrong
I think because it's something that keeps being repeated that's why I'm clinging onto that as a theme
And then other things like parents saved surplus, every meal postponed, makes me thing of rationing
I see I see
I thought it was like a ww1, ww2 comparison thing
I'm British so I'm very used to war poetry and having to close read it at school so that was what my mind immediately went to
full kettle
for me, on the surface, it reads like an inheritance story told through fabric and static but beneath that it’s a multi generational study of poverty, masculinity, and the emotional cost of material survival. i really like this.
although, if i may offer a few thoughts of my own, the imagery occasionally overlaps without progression, making certain symbols feel repetitive rather than evolving example: static, khaki, coins, jars. the poem’s imagery is brilliant but too crowded; its emotions are powerful but too veiled. it could use a clearer connective tissue showing how the father’s scarcity morphs into the son’s emotional hunger.
the poem fluctuates between social realism and dream like surrealism. It needs a more deliberate tonal grounding, especially in Acts 2 and 3.
but overall, great poem!
neat tideBOT
for me, on the surface, it reads like an inheritance story told through fabric a...
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