#the stages of a healing wound

16 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

swift oriole
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hemostasis
winter has never passed.
asphalt and pine punctures between the ribs
of each year until Thirteen.
honeyed clouds of snowbeds
opaque with adolescence
fissuring upon outbursts
that manifest under
ancient sugar spun wool
effort lost on sleeves of dead sweaters
chasing dripping wrists.

inflammation
constrict, release
obey the pleading pulse
to render sutures calloused.
burning swells
nails beg to puncture
expand, deplete
etched in communal
yet disjointed among reason
malice evident in dialation
courses under frost.

proliferation
reuniting epithelium
borders laced with nostalgia
glossing over impermanence.
a tender whirr synthesizes
along dimming ivory.
tautness turned temporal
elasticity softening
at the chimes of cotton
gracing gentle ground.
pay homage to the fragrance of angels,
crystalled lashes now worshipping sanctity.

maturation
rushing cadence begins to wither
at the hands of unfinished wool
pulse bordering the divider
of hard pink and what emerges
elastic worn
it’s limits fractioned
manifesting in slivers of seraphim
gently inevitable
perhaps this is the tithe
of winter that has never passed.

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im planning to submit this for a couple of contests its a very very rough draft and im just struggling where to go from here feedback would be greatly appreciated specifically on the clarity/abstractness of the metaphors, how it comes across (interpretation in a broader sense), and voice

ancient jasper
# swift oriole im planning to submit this for a couple of contests its a very very rough draft ...

Look, the piece has strong imagery, a clear understanding of the four stages of wound healing, and a voice that leans toward lyrical, winter-gothic, bodily-spiritual aesthetics. That’s already a solid starting point. But right now, it reads like a cluster of great lines with no central gravitational pull. It’s beautiful, but foggy. It feels like you’re trying to merge anatomy + emotion + memory + winter, but the connections are still too abstract for the average contest judge to track. The voice is mature, but the clarity wobbles because the metaphors are dense and the transitions between them aren’t always intuitive. This isn’t a “fix the words” issue. It’s a direction issue. You are leaning so hard into metaphor that the actual emotional wound becomes blurry. A little grounding one or two intentional, direct lines will make the abstract imagery hit much harder.

ripe flume
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i agree with the above ☝️ but you’re off to a reallllly strong start

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🫶

hallow cloud
# swift oriole hemostasis winter has never passed. asphalt and pine punctures between the rib...

The line 'of each year until Thirteen' is a crucial anchor. I'm curious if making the significance of this age more explicit either through another image or a slight expansion would amplify the poem's emotional core. Is it a specific event? The onset of adolescence? I want to feel the weight of 'Thirteen' as deeply as I feel the 'winter'.
For example, you could add:
hemostasis
winter has never passed.
asphalt and pine punctures between the ribs
of each year until Thirteen,
until the lock, or the silence, fell.
honeyed clouds of snowbeds
opaque with adolescence...

timid chasm
swift oriole
# ancient jasper Look, the piece has strong imagery, a clear understanding of the four stages of ...

THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING like for real i was kind of feeling like something was off and i couldnt place my finger on it! i totally get what ur saying about the clarity and abstractness… what im trying to convey is my journey with accepting showing my self harm scars, and my worry is that it will be too graphic or literal which i think is why it reads as so muddy… what do you think would be good starting points where i coulf add something more tangible without being explicit?

ancient jasper
# swift oriole THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING like for real i was kind of feeling like something was ...

I get why you’re avoiding being too literal it’s a sensitive experience and you don’t want to cross into graphic territory. But you also don’t need to be explicit to make the poem grounded. You just need one or two anchor points that show the reader what the emotional reality is. Right now the metaphors are beautiful, but they don’t have anything to hold onto.Think of adding lines that suggest the truth without describing the scars themselves. Something like this may help

a sleeve lifted a little too high,

the air stinging where fabric used to hide,

someone’s eyes catching on a place you didn’t expect,

the hesitation before stepping into light,

the memory of covering up out of habit.

These aren’t graphic at all, but they instantly tell the reader what the metaphor is orbiting around. And you only need one or two moments like that enough to make the theme land, not enough to feel exposed.Your imagery is already strong. You just need a small thread of reality to guide the reader through it

short pikeBOT
swift oriole
ancient jasper
swift oriole
# ancient jasper Yaa I will read the revised one also

hemostasis
winter has never passed.
asphalt and pine punctures
between the ribs
of each year until Thirteen.
honeyed clouds of snowbeds
opaque with adolescence
fissuring upon outbursts
that manifest under
sleeves of dead sweaters.
weakened threading
interwines to create crimson.

inflammation
constrict, release
obey the pleading pulse
to render sutures calloused.
burning swells
into dull thumps
nails beg to puncture.
expand, deplete
etched in communal
yet disjointed among reason
malice evident in dilation
that courses under frost.

proliferation
reuniting epithelium;
borders laced with nostalgia
glossing over impermanence.
a tender whirr synthesizes
along dimming ivory,
tautness turned temporal.
elasticity yields
along softened stings
paying homage
to the fragrance of angels
now crystallized,
wrists echoing sanctity.

maturation
rushing cadence
begins to wither
at the hands of unfinished
wool.
tracing eyes meet
hard pink and what emerges
from last year’s sweater.
each sliver tenses
in memoriam of its split.
but familiar plumes
brush against withered flesh
reminder of the gently inevitable.
perhaps this is the tithe
of winter that has never passed.

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still kinda abstract but i think its an improvement!

ancient jasper
# swift oriole still kinda abstract but i think its an improvement!

Yeah, this version is definitely clearer. The grounding lines you added help the reader understand what emotional space you’re writing from. It’s still abstract overall, but in a way that feels intentional now rather than foggy. If you want to tighten it even more, just add one or two moments where the speaker interacts with the world a look, a touch, But honestly, this is already a solid step forward.