This isn’t poetry but I was wondering if someone could give me some feedback on my college app paper

[arctic egret]

Essay 2: That morning, I didn’t realize I was being sent on a mission. My dad just told me to grab my sneakers and come along for another carpet-cleaning job. I didn’t know that this ordinary trip would lead me straight to the moment that would define my future.
That summer, I often went with my dad to help roll up hoses, carry tools, or just keep him company. Most of the houses looked the same—quiet, polite customers, long hours. But the day he said we were headed to a client named Mr. More, something felt different.
When we pulled up to his house, it wasn’t just bigger—it had this calm energy, like something important was waiting inside. Mr. More greeted us with a warm smile. “Come on in,” he said. Then, instead of rushing us, he invited me inside while my dad got the equipment ready. I had no idea I was about to walk into my own turning point.
Mr. More’s office stopped me in my tracks. Computer screens glowed in the dim light, wires looped across the desk, and neat stacks of drives lined the shelves. It looked less like an office and more like a command center.
“You like technology?” he asked, noticing my stare.
I nodded. I’d always been curious about computers, but never knew where to start. He smiled and began explaining how he used IT to manage his cleaning business—tracking clients, maintaining systems, even building his own website. For the first time, I saw how technology could power real, everyday work.
He told me about moving from Guinea-Bissau to the U.S. at twelve, learning English, and teaching himself computers piece by piece. “It takes patience,” he said. “People think success happens fast, but real progress takes time and consistency.”
At that age, patience just meant waiting. But later that day, I saw what he meant. When the cleaning machine outside jammed, my dad got frustrated, but Mr. More calmly fixed it piece by piece. There was no rush—just focus.
When we finished, he handed me one of his old business cards. “Start small,” he said. “Patience will take you further than talent ever will.”
That sentence became a quiet motif in my head.
Back at school, I started spending time in the computer lab, experimenting with simple code and reading about cybersecurity. My programs crashed constantly, and my screen filled with red errors—but each time I wanted to quit, I heard his voice. So I slowed down, read through every mistake, and kept going.
Eventually, I joined the STEM and coding club. One afternoon, a classmate couldn’t fix a bug in his project. We stayed after school for hours until it finally worked. That feeling—solving something together—reminded me of that day at Mr. More’s house. I realized patience wasn’t about waiting; it was about building steadily without giving up.
Later, I joined the K–12 Computing Analyst Program at the University of Maryland, where I worked on projects that used technology to solve real problems. Every challenge reminded me of where it began—not in a classroom, but in a stranger’s home filled with glowing screens and quiet wisdom.
Now, whenever my code refuses to run, I don’t panic or rush. I take a breath, remember the lesson, and keep going—one careful step at a time.
Mr. More probably doesn’t know it, but that day wasn’t just another cleaning job. It was a mission—a mission to discover who I was meant to be. He didn’t just show me what IT was; he showed me that progress is built through patience. And because of him, I’m still on that mission today.

[fresh whale]

Wonderful! @arctic egret has just progressed to level 1!

[flint dove]

very good! my overall advice to you is to trim repetition--as ive noticed some in your writing. also, tighten some of your sentences--as they appear as overly wordy. lastly, make sure to strengthen the reflection section. make it explicitly connect to your future aspirations!!!

good hook. next sentence can be crisper.

✨ My dad just told me to grab my sneakers—we had another carpet-cleaning job.

pacing is pretty good in the early narrative... your descriptions are well done. i just recommend you combine a few lines to avoid over explaining.

❌ It wasn’t just bigger—it had this calm energy, like something important was waiting inside.

❌ Then, instead of rushing us, he invited me inside…

instead:

✨ It wasn’t just bigger—it felt calm, almost expectant. While my dad set up, Mr. More invited me into his office…

this ensures the flow's tight, but remains your original tone.

the middle is great! amazing dialogue with "mr. more;" it shows and doesn't tell!! 👏🏼

✨ Patience will take you further than talent ever will.

this is an amazing anchor quote. id consider reusing this quote again, maybe in the conclusion! it'll be nice.

your reflection and growth is beautiful. admissions officers will adore that.

just make it more concise--as i noticed it runs a little long.

✨ My programs kept crashing, but each time I wanted to quit, I heard his voice—so I slowed down, studied every error, and kept going.

conclusion is also very strong! 💪🏻

tiny polish for further punch

✨ He didn’t just show me what IT was—he showed me that patience is the engine of progress.

to close:

✨ And because of him, I’m still on that mission today.

don't change it--it's perfect

optional additional add:

✨ That lesson continues to guide me as I pursue computer science—not just to code, but to build patiently toward lasting impact.

it matches your tone and adds ambition towards future direction while connecting past inspiration

overall--very well done. ❤️ i hope i can help!!