Breathe (Дыши)

[hot gate]

Aware of syllabic inconsistencies

WOWOWOWOWOW

IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS

[cedar bane]

It reads pretty smoothly tbh. I like it! It’s doesn’t have a very strong image, but I think it has a strong voice. It feels very personal and matter-of-factly ^^

[cedar bane]

R O C K Y? Who’s that?

[cedar bane]

Oh lol. It’s Sora

[hot gate]

we both have sora pfps!!!

[cedar bane]

Oh we do!! Nice!

[hot gate]

i noticed that aswell

its not vague it just seems scattered and unclear

it was a natural comparison between

the unchanging harshness of nature and how humans take it upon themselves to try to correct it to no avail

and the nature of emotions and how we will fight them in attempts of overcoming something that is simply natural and unchanging

and then we blame it on ourselves for being too weak to overcome

[somber wyvern]

*and then we blame it

on ourselves for being too

weak to overcome*

- ne9d

[hot gate]

but it was definitely very vague

[cedar bane]

I feel like I did pick up on that… but it was pretty confusing. I would recommend going for more symbolism. I wouldn’t explicitly state the point of the poem anywhere in it, but I would try to closely relate your themes to specific ideas. Like how the nightingale portrays freedom in ode to the nightingale

[hot gate]

i hate anything shallow, so if the words mean exactly what i was communicating, it sorta irks me

[cedar bane]

Poems are twisty by nature, but guiding the reader down a specific route is tricky

[hot gate]

but then i go too far and it becomes too cloudy to interpret

[cedar bane]

Hmmm

[hot gate]

https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1431864791495868486

what do you think about this?

i feel like it is much more direct

[cedar bane]

I’d recommend, then, trying to think of something and three different metaphors you can connect to it, and making a poem out of that

[hot gate]

i appreciate your feedback, it's very important to me

[worn terrace]

First of I really like it, easy to understand and I think that's why it caught my attention, so far I've been reading poems from people out here, everyone trying to complicate things a little (including me)

And forget sometimes simple is often great as it is

Overall good... Amazing job

[hot gate]

thank u very much!! :D

[worn terrace]

Of course!! And guys id also appreciate your opinions on my poems that would help me out a bunch♥️

[cedar bane]

How do you open a channel? ^^’

[hot gate]

as in

post?

[cedar bane]

Mhm

[hot gate]

go to #1040728773127061514 and then press the blue circle in the bottom right corner

[cedar bane]

Ahh okok

[hot gate]