#Shining while loosing my self

24 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

modern swift
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Lost from light,
Sining day by day.

Every Sin
Every virtue
I committed them.

Nothing Holded
Nor Tried to
Fate didn't want me as a prisoner
Nor
As a fool

Broken illumination
Casted by glaze
Shining while I lose myself.

lusty pantherBOT
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@modern swift has sent a notification! - @fringe flicker @willow ridge

modern swift
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<@&1145760802666717234>

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@high spindle

modern swift
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@warped meadow

willow ridge
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@desert eagle

lusty pantherBOT
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@willow ridge has sent a notification! - @fringe flicker @rustic inlet @narrow ivy

desert eagle
willow ridge
fringe flicker
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loose and lose is different btw

desert eagle
modern swift
desert eagle
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@modern swift, hello! After a lot of prior responsibilities being taken care of, I'm finally able to review your poem earnestly. Sorry for so much delay tho 😅

As you yourself mentioned, the poem is unfinished. Its small size means I dont have too much to comment, but what I can say is this:

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  1. I would recommend using punctuations and capitalization in your poetry. Its more important than you think, and their usage is highly under-rated. You see, typically every verse starts out with a capital letter (irrespective of whether there is a comma, semi-colon, colon, dash or full stop in the previous line). Now, the different types of punctuations at the end of the line actually symbolise different things. For instance, full stops conclude a thought and commas only give a small break so that the reader isn't breathless when moving on to the next stanza (pretty basic so far). However, a colon (:) is to symbolise that the next few Verses are all connected to this given verse (that there is an elaboration of an existing thought going on here), while a semi-colon indicates a caesura (a long, dramatic pause). Now, here's the interesting thing. You can actually leave a verse without any punctuation! This is called an 'enjambment', and what it does is it denies the reader a conclusion to a thought that was started in the given verse. It creates a tension, and a surprise to a reader. How come this thought isn't finished yet? I gotta read more to find out. It serves as poetry's mini-cliffhanger. That being said, enjambments shouldn't be overused. What I'm seeing in your poem is that there's no punctuation, and as such calling your practice 'enjambments' would be wrong. So, I think this is one place you could have improved this poem.
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  1. Now, I know every poem is different and artists get their creative licenses. As such, not every poem need to be written with a meter in mind. However, it is always preferable to give a consistent (preferable) or semi-constant (Plus or minus 2) number of syllables would have been nice. At minimum, we try to strive for a constant 6 syllables, so that the poem continues to roll off more easily when it's being spoken. At maximum, we keep it to 10 or 14, but then every verse has some kind of punctuation in between like commas or semicolons to give a little pause to the reader (this is how Poe did it). We try to maintain this consistency throughout the poem, or at least keep it constant in any given stanza. This is because the poem (or stanza, as applicable) has a certain 'feel' to it when its being read. However, that 'feel' is disrupted if one line is noticably bigger or smaller than another. Now, I'm not saying that you never stray from this. So, imagine I have 100 units of attention per verse. If I got 4 syllables, I'm putting 25 per syllable, but if I have 6 or 8, I'm putting 16.6 or 12.5. This might sound like an extremely nerdy analogy, but the point is to show that shorter syllabled verses make us pay more attention to those particular verses. This is good for bringing great attention to a verse by breaking the flow, but in your poem I believe this isn't working in your favour and instead we're seeing too much inconsistency, leading not to emphasis generation, but instead to confusion and breakage of flow.

  2. Otherwise, not too many comments on the contents of the poem. Maybe once the full piece is developed I'll be able to see an 'overarching message' and comment? But as of now, nothing from my end.

  3. @fringe flicker has already mentioned certain spelling errors.

All this being said, I do think that this piece has potential. Keep at it, and I'm sure you'll be able to convert it into a profound poem 🙂

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@willow ridge, sorry for not being able to get to your friend sooner BTW 😅

desert eagle
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Y'all can I tag you in my own poem BTW?

modern swift
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Thank you for it

modern swift
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I'll send the full version to you

desert eagle
modern swift