#The Wand'rer.

123 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

gleaming remnant
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@desert plume

crimson holly
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very interesting, there’s a strong cyclical theme coming thru for me

buoyant citrusBOT
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*very interesting,

there’s a strong cyclical theme

coming thru for me*

- prash__
gleaming remnant
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This one was put together more emotionally, than some of my others

desert plume
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I like this so much, sorry for my lateness my nieces and nephews came over unexpected. My favorite is the fourth stanza because it’s like a conversation you’d only have in a dream.

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I felt like I was a mysterious mystical creature in the middle of the woods

gleaming remnant
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Thank you, I don't even really know why I wrote it— it just felt right

gleaming remnant
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@gleaming remnant

gleaming remnant
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misuse of archaism in line 4 of stanza 3- "can thou help"- thy is your.

the "smil'd back did I"- feels odd, maybe rephrase that line as "I smil'd back then, to her I said"?

other than these two minor corrections, the poem as a whole is a wonderful piece- the opening and closing with the same stanzas is a nice touch, and it flows beautifully well. nicely done!

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Sh** I didn't realise

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I changed the line and I doesn't read well

gleaming remnant
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Smil'd back did I flows better to me, I will keep that

merry hill
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Tagged. Will see it later.

gleaming remnant
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can you help- might be a little anachronistic, but even shakespeare used you in his plays, soo

gleaming remnant
gleaming remnant
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Shakespeare used you because you was the plural accusative of his time

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It'll have to be thou as the singular subject

gleaming remnant
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what do you plan to do with that line, then?

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'Can thou help now'

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Canst*

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I tend to write in a 17th/18th century ish style

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That basically means I used archaic pronouns, and auxiliary verbs, but main verbs do not have endings

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e.g. I would say 'Thou art blue'
But I wouldn't use Ye for the subject plural bc that is more 14th/15th/16th
And I wouldn't use main verb endings (Runnest, runneth, &c )

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I made an exception for my poem the other day due to its nature

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Thanks for point that out

hot epochBOT
gleaming remnant
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Here it is with the spelling sorted:

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I am gonna really knuckle down on sonnetry now, my goal is to get something that can somewhat contend with Shelley's Ozymandias in its meaning, execution, and simpleness!

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Maybe a break every so often to write some other poems tho

gleaming remnant
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i look forward to seeing what you produce to match or surpass it

buoyant citrusBOT
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*i look forward to

seeing what you produce to

match or surpass it*

- hobo100
gleaming remnant
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I will not surpass it

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But I am gonna try, I really love sonnets

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I regard Ozymandias as the sort of ideal for a sonnet

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Although, I tend to use ABBAABBACDECDE

gleaming remnant
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the masters of poetry were once novices like us

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do not place them upon a pedestal- see them as rivals

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I am just an amateur

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I do not intend to be great

gleaming remnant
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I take far more appreciation from reading than writing

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But, yes, Shakespeare was once mid at poetry

gleaming remnant
# gleaming remnant I am just an amateur

js saying tho, u don't need to dedicate your life to something to be awesome at it. da vinci was as accomplished a painter as he was a scientist, so don't ever limit yourself by thinking u can't beat the masters at smth just because u havent spent a lifetime doing it

gleaming remnant
gleaming remnant
gleaming remnant
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you're good at it

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far better than most of our peers

gleaming remnant
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this is objectively well written, if not yet memorable

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I mean, I have never been too good at the creative arts

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I tend to be better at the intellectual subjects, but I do not enjoy them as much (as evident in my love for the Romantic Era)

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I mean, literature as a subject is alright because we analyse in essays not write our own

gleaming remnant
gleaming remnant
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😂

gleaming remnant
# gleaming remnant 😂

😁 one must possess a level of confidence bordering on delusion to survive being an artist, lest you end up like van gogh

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Delulu

gleaming remnant
autumn wharf
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where did it go

gleaming remnant
autumn wharf
gleaming remnant
autumn wharf
gleaming remnant
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@autumn wharf

autumn wharf
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yippie

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alright

gleaming remnant
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Yaay

autumn wharf
# gleaming remnant Yaay

ok how abt this, I need some sleep and my fingers hurt so I soda it tomorrow le, like Im free saur yeah, like I wrote it done but not finished so how does that sound?

autumn wharf
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ok cruz lets do this

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and

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.

autumn wharf
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Soda overview

Soda skim
I, from first reading this, got the impression that the poem is about a story, ye olden times sort of story, of wanderer who is free, from what I got from the implication from the word nude and is asked to intervene but is saying no, like not commenting and just moving on his wandering journey and I find the rhythm and execution very very good, like the words the way the twist around is something I really enjoyed and I loved how u did it here and I will get into my official thoughts right below

Soda analysis

Soda highlight analysis

Before we start going stanza by stanza I want to comment on the form and structure, like the whole thing is obviously a ballad structure with an ABAB, and classically made, and I love how you have the first stanza be the very last stanza and the way it just signifies that the wanderers journey and overall being is just un effected and he will just continue on his path and be in the same peaceful state of mind to just continue on his journey with out a thought going in his mind , and I LOVE how the structure just mirrors the whole cycle of the poem and the way you have it go back around, makes me think that is the opposite of a hero/protagonist kind of story structure, instead of getting involved and saving the day you just continue and remain the same, stanza1=stanza 5. And the rest is very simplistic and I like how you just put it down and I will get into it on the analysis later.

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Soda Stanza analysis spritz

Stanza 1
“Across the vale I wander’d nude,
The hare & joy & deer did too,
Leading their most beloved brood,
Wheresoever the wild wind blew.”

So from this first stanza I can see that you are saying that the environment is intone with the person we are hearing narrat this, “Across the vale I wander’d nude,“ makes me think of it alll as if he is both free and intone with the elements of nature and is not hiding anything, kind of like a a garden of eden level of purity and untouched and uncorrupted nature of their existence, they dont have anything to hide and anything to be ashamed of since they are one with nature, and the following lines to the hare and then joy and then deer, shows me that you are personifying the concept of joy itself as an animal like it is one of the the scinic elements of nature and they way you continue the lines of “Leading their most beloved” shows me that kind of cyclical nature of of nature and how it just moves things around including animals, in this mystical and delicate fashion where they are taken “Wheresoever the wild wind blew.” where ever the ystical/idyllic path or way that nature takes them to, where ever it leads them be and the way it is done here is so perfect and so fluid and kind of breathy slowed and glimmering kind of field to it and I like that, must be one (although there are only 5 stanzas) my favs here le.

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**Stanza 2: **

"A faerie sat atop a bough,
A bough of oak, strong as can be,
Saw me & smil’d, wiping her brow,
Had crossed her legs & said to me:"

Saur this is where the internal motion, even though closed, starts. Basically a faerie atop a dough sits and asks the wanderer to do something about to be elaborated in the next few stanzas. Here I wanted to comment on the dough oka part, I see you have emphasized it from line one of this stanza to the following line, like you are showing and trying to metaphorically imply a sort of steadfastness, or duty that one must take, like responsibility/stability and most of the time in poems, these things are taken more as positive traits. Still, here it makes me think that this is more of a burden that the faerie is imposing on herself and her life, like being in a state or sitting atop it, of being bound down by simple worldly woes and struggles, which is very acutely contrasted with the wanderer's fluidity here and the way they just move through nature. In contrast, she just sits and chooses to mount herself, showing a level of egotism and a sense of being above the situation, of an oak dough life.

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But a good as a prelud that this is I do wnat to give a quick feedback on it, when you say : “strong as can be” it takes me out of the mythical and beatified kind of nature that the poem already had going, and I would suggest keeping the rhyme for structure sake but taking a more elevated approach like “Strong as thy be” not sure how that is metericallu fitting with the poem but taht is my two sense imo

Stanza 3:

"We need thy help, thou look so brave,
The pixie pesters all of us—
But we know not what she doth crave.
Canst thou help now, to end this fuss?"

So here is the major part , classically the centerpiece stanza of the poem, and de faere is asking them to help them out with the pestering of the pixie, thy pixie is bothering me mate can you help, like idk like how you would ask someone who is a man and is seen as manly to handle a spider or like kill it, complimenting them with features they have “your so manly,” or “your a man handle it” or contextually “Your brave” which is used here as a form of flattery to get something back from the wanderer to help them like saying “hey I think your able to handle it and I am both complimenting and pressuring you to do this” and the pixie bothering them has no rhyme or reason which could be used as a metaphor of being taken upon a reasonless force of nature but more trivialized and kind of reduced in meaning as if saying daily issues of these beings is both unreasonable and trivial and as I would put it, unserious, and I like that bery clever.

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But one thing I would say is “pester” feels a bit out of place for me, like it is more modern compared to the rest of the stanza, since it is also the most archaic stanza. It just makes it stand out even more, could be replaced with something like “bother”(which is actually use in the 18th century), and maybe even say “pother” which feels more metrically right when reading it. It is really on theme, so I would suggest it, but that's just me personally.

Stanza 4:

"Smil’d back did I, & then I said:
‘I am but a naïve wand’rer,
Who only by the wind is led,
I wish thee well, but must defer."

And here is the main point of the whole poem, the wanderer says no to being a hero and trying and putting any effort to helping them at all and just using perhaps a sarcastic or genuine statement of being oblivious to the faeries plights and just saying I am best minding my own business and not getting involved and it does just mean that the person is not in the best, this is my theory:

  • If it was meant to be sarcastic/snarky it is saying that the faeries are engaging in childish tomfoolery or just are simple minded when they can be unbound and free as the wind

  • if it is meant to be genuine it can be seen as the you trying to portray a temperament/ virtue more specifically humility and in return being rewarded by being in line with the intent of this mystical world or the real world but that is just me le.

Also not critics here even the inverted smile did i part is perfectly on brand for the world the poem is building on , le love it.

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Stanza 5:

"Across the vale I wander’d nude,
The hare & joy & deer did too,
Leading their most beloved brood,
Wheresoever the wild wind blew."

My favorite part of the poem is that it all circles back to the start. It just shows that the wanderer is just not affected by the whole interaction and just goes back to their life, like an inversion of a hero's journey where he hero goes on a journey that changes for the best/worse (in the case of Star Wars) and just ends with a happy ending. Here it feels like you are making a commentary, and I love how you just round about, brilliant choice conceptually, and great job just keeping the meter and such great job le.

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Pepsi

  • I love the circular structure of the whole poem as I have mentioned 30 times at this point I wanted to say it all just come snack around, like the mindset and thematic journey of the wanderer and whether there is or isnt any lesson to learn from this it just all feels perfect and satisfying I love it

  • and the verbiage and dictation is all perfect and very well done and very well drawn out and I find it all perfect with the theme of the poems story, archaic, just some very minor issues like the pester and strong phrases but other than that it is all perfect, great job there.

  • Very good story telling like it all goes Peace -> Intrusion -> Conflict -> Choice -> Return to Peace which is not just the circular thing being praised again but just how it flows so clearly and so vividly in the archaic and imabic meter that it is going for, it does a few things but it does them with great excution and depth, like the message of being a wanderer and all done so well.

  • also I didnt mention this in my analysis but the central metaphor of the wond is really good and very well done, it is simple and short but it is very compact and tiactile and I loved that, great metaphore usage le.

Coca (nit picks)

  • I just want to mention a few more suggestions for the pester line here are some I would think would fit :

"The pixie harries all of us—" (Suggests relentless attack)
"The pixie plagues all of us—" (Suggests a torment)
"The pixie bedevils all of us—" (Adds a sense of magical mischief)
I still think you should use pother tho, I like that one, since it is more of a bother that I felt the poem was giving off.

  • very nitpicky but again the dough line is way more prosaic then the other parts of the poem and I would suggest you elevate it poetically like the others are in here.

Some suggestions are :

"A bough of oak, of ancient grace,"
"A bough of oak, in that wild place,”

autumn wharf
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gosh

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that was riveting

gleaming remnant
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It is jay not joy!

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As in

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Blue Jay

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The bird

autumn wharf
gleaming remnant
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Strong as thy be wouldn't make sense, strong as can be is so I can talk about nature being the strongest it can be above all else

gleaming remnant
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Pester is actually relatively old— 16th century

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I'll check out the rest later, gotta go to class

autumn wharf
gleaming remnant
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A bough of oak, strong as could be?

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No

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Hm

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Nah, I will have to leave it

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I'll have a think on it tonight

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Thank you!

autumn wharf
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hope it was up to what u were looking for to improve

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on the poem

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and thoughts le

gleaming remnant
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Thank you for le thoughts

merry hill
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OK Crux! I've finally gotten around to your poem! Lets see it!

merry hill
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I'm detecting octosyllibic verses. What meter is this?

I thought its iambic (a-CROSS), though you later also have a trochee (LEAD-ing).

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Maybe the idea was to only affix the octosyllable and not set a meter? I suppose that's the case anyways, since the poem isn't tagged as being metrical.

merry hill
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Peak anti-hero ending mate SobbinTheLanaDelReyOut GG!

Those fairies better mind their own damn business! 👏

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Now, I'd usually give a review to the poem, but I see @autumn wharf has already risen up to the task. I have read his review along with the poem, and found that he's covered all the thoughts I had and then some.

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Honestly, huge respects for actually taking the time to write such a detailed review. Its heartwarming to see other people who are willing to take out so much time to give constructive feedback.

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But that stuff aside, @gleaming remnant this was a really enjoyable read mate. In fact, its even given me ideas on how pastoral poetry is written and I'll probably implement similar imageries in my own poem.

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Solid stuff mate. Clearly a poem-of-all-times kinda piece right here.

autumn wharf
gleaming remnant
gleaming remnant
gleaming remnant