#Moonstone & Pearls [Jane]

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nimble stratus
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Twiddling with lavender
I cast a little promise,
Owing it to all that's dead,
To all frozen under carnations
And miles of piercing snow.

An exotic tulle of heavenly pride
Ensconse me within,
Like dahlias of the cruelest shade -
Alike the blood coaxing my bare hands,
Hauling me into lands unbeknownst.

I hear a silence that screams,
Endless hedges lined with pearls,
Stained crimson, weaving tales
Of vanquished minds b'neath -
Bayonets of flourish and guile.

Barbs harvest like grotesque mayhem
Amidst moonstone & pearls;
These lands - nursled with curse,
Fire engulfed, laced with malice,
A carnage - for splendour alike the sun.

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Got driven so crazy I had to write something again

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@nimble stratus has sent a notification! - @feral cloud @hoary crag @oblique umbra @torpid osprey @loud elk

loud elk
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WHAT

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JANE

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OMG

nimble stratus
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@reef palm

nimble stratus
hoary crag
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carnations

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that brings back memories

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@sharp ether

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hoary crag
loud elk
# nimble stratus Twiddling with lavender I cast a little promise, Owing it to all that's dead, To...

To all frozen under carnations And miles of piercing snow.

I love the visual image of dedication!

Like dahlias of the cruelest shade - Alike the blood coaxing my bare hands, Hauling me into lands unbeknownst.

This is my favourite line!
With its strength being the stanza itself, these lines really help elevate it!

A carnage - for splendour alike the sun.

This is a killer way to end a poem!

Love it, Vivi!

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@autumn urchin

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@worthy junco

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@gaunt glen

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steady cipher
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@nimble stratus I really really really love the title and the vibe of the poem that's all I can say to express the beauty of this. Perhaps it's time I learn new words to describe the masterpiece you've written. I rate it a solid 9 of 10

sharp ether
sharp ether
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Nitpicks:-

  • I hear a silence that screams
    • I've heard this metaphor SO MANY TIMES IT IS UNFATHOMABLE MATE 😭 LIKE MOI GET IT BUT I THINK THIS SPECIFIC SET OF WORDS JUZZ ANNOY TO MOI ;-;
  • I like Bayonets of flourish and guile :0 itz like plundering and looting fr
    -# don't point at me, ik im British SobbinTheLanaDelReyOut
  • moi like da 1st para beri beri much, itz like a false pledge cauz DEAD LE but again like an elegical pledge le, like will n stuff
  • the last para kinda vaguez all that was said before it cauz

CARNAGE RAWR LE

-# also y doez da last para acrostically say BAFTA ;-; le also 2nd para sayz Aelah le idk if it coindence or intentional but that can mean two thingz depending on if itz Arabic or Welsh, le the ring of light round da moon anz "angel" or "rain" in Arabic (not VERI BERI SURE BUT COOLZE LE)

nimble stratus
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Oh

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No i did not have the acrostic thing in mind so its very much accidental

reef palm
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JANE POEM

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reef palm
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PRETTY

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mystic jacinth
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oh Ghost_Drinking

reef palm
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Obviously it's time for me write a poem about sadism and carnage now OnyxCutesy

nimble stratus
reef palm
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Love the floriography you have with carnations and dahlias

nimble stratus
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Floriography is such a nice word showgirlstar

mystic jacinth
reef palm
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It's like the meaning of flowers

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Because flowers all represent something

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Death, love, betrayal, romance, friendship, etc

mystic jacinth
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epic elision use
you understand how it works and it makes me very very happy

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and i'm just
severely
jealous of your vocab cuz what do you mean ensconse me within...alike the blood coaxing my bare hands???? 😭
i'm literally obsessed with your stuffs Jane
how dare you be this talented pandasalute

reef palm
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Try collabing with Jane

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You will be googling a dozen words for one stanza

nimble stratus
nimble stratus
mystic jacinth
feral cloud
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Uhum uhum

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UHUUUUMMMM

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hi i aprove this as a masterjanepiece

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There's a lot of symbolism here

nimble stratus
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@pure nimbus

pure nimbus
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After 7 months

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@flat dust

frosty pumice
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I want to start with saying, your poems are very high-brow, and I am enthralled each time I happen to read them. Which is why I am taken aback by some of the details, that would fly under the radar for many other authors. I will nitpick, as expected, and give my opinion at the end. Fasten your belts, we are setting sail on the Sirruthf express.

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This poem reminds me of an open pomegranate with four slices — take any one of them and you'll find it ripe with sweet seeds — but wait a minute before eating them all at once.

Slice 1. The opening hooks you in from the start. Twiddling with lavender (I presume a typo and not a neologism) is intriguing and appetizing, I cast a little promise — even more so. Who is the hero/heroine? What promise is made?
Will these questions be answered? The response is a resounding ehhhhh.
Going further, To all frozen... tell us, there was a big calamity of some kind, literal or metaphorical, tied to the theme of temperature. Remember this. Also remember both lavender and carnations, they are interesting.

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Slice 2. Primarily concerned with tone-building, it sets the scene with the first line, stumbling a little before the second — ensconce me within. Is this a command, requiring a comma that is missing, or a factual statement, requiring ensconces? I honestly can't discern, as either would fit well enough. Either way, this sentence structure reads incomplete to me: say "that ensconces me within itself", or "enclose me inside of you" — both would cut through a lot of haziness. I almost read this as "that carpets me from within", which is equally unsettling and hilarious
Cruelest shade is a magnificent subversion, I love it, and to the dahlias we will return later.
Alike the blood coaxing my bare hands... can be read in three ways:

  • tulle is like blood, coaxing your hands
  • dahlias are like blood, coaxing your hands
  • tulle coaxes your hands, like blood
    And I find that, generally speaking, you would want to avoid situations like this. They are tremendously taxing to untangle on the first read, and, in my opinion, don't add much by themselves. Interpretations good, uncertainty of syntax bad.
    Next, hauling. This is very out of place. In most thesauri you will find this word to be described as synonymous to 'pull', 'move', 'carry'. But also, 'cargo', 'hoist', 'transport'. It is a word used by manual laborers in ports, not in elevated style. Of course, it could be intentional. But then you don't do anything with this contrast, so I'm writing it off as accidental.
    In any case, we've reinforced the idea of disaster, sprinkling in some culpability and or guilt, which is always a great blend.
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Slice 3. Here we have the lands unbeknownst, as I refuse to believe that this is just what happens in the windows of the protagonist.
Notter already pointedly remarked, that screaming silences are a dime a dozen. I agree.
Further down we are introduced to the landscapes of this fantastical land — labyrinthine hedges, stretching into the distance. Pearled out shrubbery is an appealing paysage. And while we are looking at them, are they stained crimson, or the crimson itself is stained? I'm sorry, this might be a me thing.
vanquished minds b'neath. I think I know what happened here. It'd very natural to say, that the tales are of vanquished souls, but that would be too goth. And so — vanquished minds. Which is not nonsensical, but not that telling either. How does one vanquish specifically minds? Heck, why not vanquished bodies, or husks, this would at least be strikingly imbrued. As it is, the line is just middling.
The bayonets line I don't quite get. The further context implies it's the metaphor for hedges' barbs, but we are on the slice 3, and don't have such luxury. Make it have more bite on its own, or link somehow to the next part, currently it reads as if the hedges themselves are bayonets, and it's an uncomfortably awkward image.

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Slice 4. Finale. I don't know what barbs harvest, and am too afraid to ask. It reads fine, until you start thinking about it, and you direct your readers to think.
Nursled is rare word, I like it, have a heart ❤️
And the grand climax that all of this built up to is carnage and splendour and the Sun. It's not bad on its own, good even, but more than a little sudden...

Okay, let's reassemble our pomegranate. Themes, in order of establishment: Grief. Guilt. Uhh death? Glory!
I honestly, honestly, try to, and can't, imagine it as a whole. I'm sure that it exists, Platonically, but you made it so hard to reach for, that I'm lost.

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Interlude.

And let's get back to the half of an Elephant in the room, that is flower symbolism. We have two entries, then one, and then just... never come around to it. Couldn't've been just a throwaway, considering how much attention is drawn to all these flowers in the beginning. The first line, the billhook, that pulled me in under the promise that I'll see something to do with lavender, never delivered. Arguably, we saw healing? In the ending the protagonist's guilt is recontextualized as military glory, I guess?
Dahlias, according to my research, signify good taste. What part of this tragic, filled with unresolved tension poem corresponds to good taste? Your guess is better than mine.
Also, remember I asked you to save temperature for later? Yeah, we don't get back to it either.

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Allllright. I recon, that despite the little blemishes I pointed out, this is a powerful piece with rich imagery. I like how it maintains a consistent voice and invokes all the right emotions in the right places. I was immediately impressed by its pleasant seasoning of language, and still consider it impactful, some minor issues nonwithstanding. I hope that you can pull something valuable from my rambling and that we'll meet again soon.

Yours, Sirruthf.

nimble stratus
# frosty pumice ======================== Interlude. And let's get back to the half of an Eleph...

Thanks for pointing out the typo in the beginning! I really appreciate your input here. To clear some of your confusion, dahlia's of the cruelest shade refers to black dahlias (or other dark coloured dahlias) that symbolise betrayal, fraudulence etc. Hauling here was placed here referring to the act of aggressively dragging someone from one place to another (here, to lands unbeknownst). As for the third stanza, the pearls are stained crimson. Vanquished minds speaks of minds that have been defeated or tamed, or frankly put, gone insane. Bayonets of flourish throws light on glory being a dagger on its own.
Stanza 4 stands on its own, as it describes the extraordinarily opulent land as also a place where barbs harvest.
I hope this clears some things! And as always, looooved your input. b_pinkheartsparkle

latent wedge
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BRO I MISSED JANE POEMS SHAHSFAUSF

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I LOVE THIS

latent wedge
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Maybe a book?

nimble stratus
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Not really

latent wedge
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It seems incredibly interesting, I love your vocabulary as always

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I just pulled it out of my..somewhere 😔

latent wedge
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Fancy words but used naturally if you get what I mean

nimble stratus
latent wedge
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Sometimes when people use fancy words it kind of ends up looking like "HA I KNOW MORE WORDS THAN YOU" but this was incredibly smooth

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I loved reading it

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It's quite interesting

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New fav poem

latent wedge
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And ngl it fits with inheritance game vibes if you get what I mean

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So it was a wild assumption

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nimble stratus
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main mauve
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god damn

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imagery is transcendental

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this is perfect

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amazing work

latent wedge
sharp ether
clever falcon
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sharp ether
autumn urchin
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This was fun to record, still learning the software, but I knew I wanted to try to do a reading the first time I read it, thanks Jane OTG_FrogDance

loud elk
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What the hell you guys I love yall so much and these are so incredible omg 😭😭❤️‍🔥 @loud elk @autumn urchin

sharp ether
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MATE PUT BLACK PARADE

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MASSIVE RESPECT

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@crisp dew

crisp dew
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@split orbit

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@summer matrix lemme bother you while you're still here blushed_creep

summer matrix
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I might be struggling to not take this poem too literally at its front, but I still think it is quite well written and I am in awe of your language use and imagery, thank you for sharing 🩷

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I read it about 4 times btw

nimble stratus
calm bone
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Ok I like it but imo it could be clearer bc h have actually no idea what this is trying to convey. Maybe im dumb but what do the lines actually mean?? Nonetheless they are very well written and the flow is excellent there are no awkward spots or anything. I feel a silence that screams is cliche tho and could be changed. Overall it’s very good but I just don’t I understand the meaning other than flowers and violence. But the word choices were unique and the flow and rhythm was amazing xx

mental kelp
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8/10

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Solid piece

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calm wave
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.

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calm wave
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I have to Google a dozen words

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Your vocabulary is so damn fire

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I don't have any feedback of course haha you're so much better than me

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But your poems are always a pleasure to read

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How do you find the right words for everything?? Surely everything isn't in your mind

nimble stratus
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or words just come up in my head and then i search up its meaning and see if it'd go somewhere in this poem or not

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My poem writing method is very similar to how songwriting is done, except I find the write words insteaad of melodies

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after some poems you just get the habit of having words

calm wave
calm wave
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I'm working on a poem rn by following your example haha

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I hope it turns out well

nimble stratus
nimble stratus
calm wave
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I kinda exhausted my share of poetic ideas early on

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Now I have to put in a lot of effort for just one poem