Unspoken Echos - Ivy

[silk trench]

@neon prism has sent a notification! - @worn nest @merry sentinel @dusk wolf

[arctic ore]

5 pings per message @neon prism

[next mango]

the presentation made the poem x10 better

like always for every poem ever

and the poem itself was quite enjoyable and i think conveyed ur message well

emotionally powerful, new work

[neon prism]

Oooh I never knew that sorry!!

@rotund gyro @onyx epoch @crimson raven @worn nest

@gaunt talon

@ornate hamlet @narrow beacon @topaz thorn @cloud quest

@thorny mortar @flat niche @open canopy @dusk wolf @misty rover

[ornate hamlet]

I like it

[next pewter]

Wonderful! @ornate hamlet has just progressed to level 3!

[ornate hamlet]

The only thing I don’t really like but it’s just my opinion is that there is a rhyme in every other line but other than that I like with it

[shadow knoll]

yeah i agree with darren a lot of the time AABB rhyme schemes come off as really predictable i think

An easy solution is just doing ABAB i probably

[neon prism]

ah okay I’ll try that next time but thank uuu :)

@twilit wharf @buoyant pawn

[twilit wharf]

This is a really heart touching poem
I wouldnt wanna spoil people about this so
This poem is really touching about experiences after the break up

I like it

[merry sentinel]

Hahaha u tagged me like 3 times

Is this about a past relationship?

Would u like feedback?

[neon prism]

ohhh sorryyyy-

[neon prism]

not rly a past relationship .. it’s I guess well when I made it it was for someone in the server- but I just posted it and u know them lol- but yea

it was a while ago tho

[merry sentinel]

I do?!

[neon prism]

heh-

😭

[merry sentinel]

HWo tho tell meeeee

… who?

Ik him?

[neon prism]

well idk- i might b thinking of claude 😭😭

[merry sentinel]

Girly

[neon prism]

but yea

MBBB

[merry sentinel]

Claude is a girl 😭

[neon prism]

I knowwww-

wait are u not-

[merry sentinel]

I am]

[neon prism]

bc Claude knows him- in a way bc she be commenting on feeedback for himmm

ANYWAYS

[merry sentinel]

Ohh

Yea theyre friends

I think

It says in his bio

[neon prism]

his bio?

[merry sentinel]

His profile

[neon prism]

oh well

[merry sentinel]

In mutual frineds

[neon prism]

Yea

ooh

I don’t have her added I don’t think-

[neon prism]

Thank you :)

[neon prism]

Thank you..! kind sir :)

[next mango]

of courseee

[onyx epoch]

beautiful

[neon prism]

thank uuuu ishhhh 💗

[gaunt talon]

@neon prism I know I promised to read and review your poetry, but Hindu New Years been coming up and I've been busy between chores and studies all the time.

I'm literally doing this now tho. I promise no more delays. I hope that you can forgive my inexcusable behaviour 🙏

Lets actually review this.

[neon prism]

It’s okay don’t worry :) no rush !!

[merry sentinel]

Let's review this he says (unless u dmed) but no review

[gaunt talon]

Hey there.

[merry sentinel]

Ah yeah hi

[gaunt talon]

Just saw this. Was waiting on a reply, so mb.

Lets begin then.

[merry sentinel]

Lol

Hey @gaunt talon why don't u make symphonic poems or well, post them on the symphonic poems thingy

[gaunt talon]

Making one rn actually.

But wait, writing review. Dont speak here for now.

[gaunt talon]

1. I'd really have liked it if your split your poem into stanzas. A stanza in poem is like a paragraph in prose. It helps make the stanzas in your poem get highlighted as their own separate thought process, and removes all scope for chaos and confusion. Stanzas also allow you to generally set a rhyme scheme and a meter (maybe even different rhyme schemes and meters for different stanzas!), really allowing you more creative license. Poetry compressed into 1 stanza is a sign that this entire thing is 1 single line of thought, which in turn makes the thought process look messy. It could work for certain narratives, but will mostly not give you the results you want. For this poem, I'd have divided it into 5 quatrains, such that 4x5 = 20 verses.

2. What I'm noticing first off is that this appears to have an iambic meter in the first half of the poem. The syllable count is around 9 for (hypothetical) stanza 1, no semi-consistent scheme on stanza 2, stanza 3 is around 10 (tho 12 syllables on last line), stanza 4 has two 8 syllabled verses, and two 9 syllabled ones, and lastly stanza 5 is again no consistent syllables.

3. ...Now, I know every poem is different and artists get their creative licenses. As such, not every poem need to be written with a meter in mind. However, it is always preferable to give a consistent (preferable) or semi-constant (Plus or minus 2) number of syllables would have been nice. At minimum, we try to strive for a constant 6 syllables, so that the poem continues to roll off more easily when it's being spoken. At maximum, we keep it to 10 or 14, but then every verse has some kind of punctuation in between like commas or semicolons to give a little pause to the reader (this is how Poe did it). We try to maintain this consistency throughout the poem, or at least keep it constant in any given stanza. This is because the poem (or stanza, as applicable) has a certain 'feel' to it when its being read.

2. ... However, that 'feel' is disrupted if one line is noticably bigger or smaller than another. Now, I'm not saying that you never stray from this. So, imagine I have 100 units of attention per verse. If I got 4 syllables, I'm putting 25 per syllable, but if I have 6 or 8, I'm putting 16.6 or 12.5. This might sound like an extremely nerdy analogy, but the point is to show that shorter syllabled verses make us pay more attention to those particular verses. This is good for bringing great attention to a verse by breaking the flow, but in your poem I believe this isn't working in your favour and instead we're seeing too much inconsistency, leading not to emphasis generation, but instead to confusion and breakage of flow.

[merry sentinel]

That's all?

Huh

Usually u send way more

[gaunt talon]

Still typing.

Discord won't let me send messages beyond 2000 characters per.

[merry sentinel]

Yeah ik

It's happened to me

[gaunt talon]

(Continuing from here)

3. Now, apart from these troubles, I do believe that your poem is pretty well written. Your rhyme schemes are consistent if broken into stanzas, so this is a Rhymed Verse. Your imagery is good. Nothing feels 'sudden' or 'rushed' to me. They flow one after the other, and a cohesive line of thought is maintained overall. And, the message is pretty deep and nice. Its the classic 'lost love' kinda vision, but mixed with High School Romance kinda vibes, and it fits very well.

All in all, good work mate. This was solid stuff!

[gaunt talon]

I'm gonna send more if there are MANY mistakes or just generally things I wanna comment on. Here, things seem simple yet tied together, so I don't have a reason to be verbose and endlessly say stuff when fewer words suffice.

[merry sentinel]

Hey! :( ur saying mine have many mistakes

:<

[gaunt talon]

Not quite mistakes. But you're new, and still need some basics to be built up.

Hence why.

Oh hey @neon prism, one more thing. I know that I've been very late with my review, but if its OK could you read a poem I've written recently?

Its https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1425496182129557544. Its the beginning of a larger anthology which I'm gonna update here https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1425489873439035512, and I'd be really glad if you could give my poem a go.

I do understand if you're not interested in doing so anymore tho, since I did let you down with such a massively delayed response. All I can say is I'm really sorry for this 🙏

[neon prism]

some of it seems ai 😓😓 like “For this poem, I’d have divided it into 5 quatrains, such that 4x5 =20 verses” and there was like another one- but sorry- uh did you use ai?

[next pewter]

Wonderful! @neon prism has just progressed to level 12!

[neon prism]

ofc I’ll read it :)

[gaunt talon]

No. I genuinely talk like this.

I would never do such a thing mate.

A quatrain is just a stanza of 4 lines.

[gaunt talon]

So you can see how it's a pretty simple sentence if you break it down.

I'm sorry it sounds like that, but thats just my way of speaking gng 😅

[gaunt talon]

Also lets be fr. If I was gonna use AI would I have delayed feedback so much?

[onyx epoch]

he does- i can confirm that @neon prism he doesn't use ai

as someone who has seen far too much ai slop floating around, i can vouch for the fact that his commentary is his- not some cheap ai's

[gaunt talon]

Interesting to see you around Ish.

[onyx epoch]

hiya, mate :)

[gaunt talon]

Hope exam preps are going decently.

[onyx epoch]

going on in full swing, it's quite hectic 😂 hbu?

how's ur prep?

[gaunt talon]

Anyhow, gotta sleep rn. Thanks for reading my poem mate! Good night!

[warped forge]

*Anyhow, gotta

sleep rn. Thanks for reading

my poem mate! Good night!*

- Lighthearted Literarian

[gaunt talon]

Same old.

Good night mate.

[onyx epoch]

good night, fam

[merry sentinel]

Yeha considering he talks every second like this

[onyx epoch]

this^

[neon prism]

ooh okay 😭😭

[gaunt talon]

So mate, if you dont mind me being so forward, do you wanna exchange follows? 😄

I'd love to keep reading your poetry; I think they're pretty nice and I'd like to see your future pieces. Meanwhile, I'm also trying to rally greater public interest on the anthology I'm working on. I don't post too often anyways becoz exams and stuff, so you won't be bothered by too many pings 😅

What do ya think mate?

[neon prism]

sorry…exchange follows?

I’m sorry I’m not following I’m confused?

[onyx epoch]

lmao

he means he wants u to follow him

and in exchange he will follow you

[gaunt talon]

Nah its OK 😅
No pressure ofc. I'm sorry for being too forward.

[merry sentinel]

.-.

[gaunt talon]

Hey! Youre level 20 too now!

[merry sentinel]

I'm catching up Hehehehe 😈

Wait

[merry sentinel]

Isn't it like 3 am over there

[gaunt talon]

12:40am, but not sleepy rn.

Working on notes for the poem.

[merry sentinel]

U poem ur notes

[neon prism]

Oooohh

[neon prism]

no yea im down to follow u :)

[cursive scroll]

since you’re trying to make this rhyme, it probably should maintain a consistent syllable count. A meter would create rhythmic expectation, but without it, it seems, the rhyme scheme falls apart.

some lines are nine syllables others are 11. Maybe stick with 10 or eight rather than an uneven number.

it has some really good emotional impact as it is and fixing up these little things would make it a much more powerful poem.
The fourth line seems redundant.
And should it be unread instead of on read?

[neon prism]

I appreciate the feedback dude but it’s on read :)

bc that’s what happened

[gaunt talon]

Uneven number of syllables are used for catelytic lines. It essentially leaves the meter hanging and creates a vibe of suspense. Poe used it in "The Raven".

Altho I could see an argument that catelytic lines dont make sense in this context.

[cursive scroll]

This poem doesn’t really have cataletic lines though.

These are jagged lines.

this poem’s meter is 9,10,9,9, 7,9,9,10,9,9,9,9,8,8,8,7,7,7,8,9

Cataletic lines would deviate from the norm. So you’d have 10 beats or eight beats and then the last line would be nine or seven beats.

in the Raven, he uses trochaic octameter for the odd lines and
catalectic trochaic octameter for the even lines. There’s a structure to it that is generally lacking here.

It’s a wonderful poem, but the meter and rhyme scheme are a bit off.

[neon prism]

poem is here ^^

[neon prism]

100+ comments

[gaunt talon]

Congrats!

[neon prism]

@earnest thorn ur backkk