twilit cave
O strike me dead, merciful goddess,
for you this world is scorned—
roses lie wilted and bleeding.
I will not
live with the sweet blooms
plucked and scattered so long
from my naked breast,
which bleeds
not deep crimson, but a
shadowy violet, denied of that
which colored it so somber—
your presence.
O, merciful lady Aphrodite,
cast me into the sea foam
of your birth— Take what is owed—
my life.
Honest feedback and criticism appreciated :)
Dont forget a heart or star if you liked it
Similar in premise to #1419533966792196146 , trying to emulate the style of Sappho
Go ahead and do your worst with feedback
ionic edgeBOT
@twilit cave has sent a notification! - @cerulean wharf @echo forge @tight osprey @sonic ruin @unreal valve @warped lance @fallen valley @stable inlet @warped ginkgo @stuck zephyr @crimson remnant
quick mesa
Im at a loss, can you explain what this means?
from my naked breast,
which bleeds
not deep crimson, but a
shadowy violet
twilit cave
Yeah she's saying metaphorically her breast bleeds violet
Which is supposed to show vulnerability
And also like love makes the blood red, if that makes sense?
quick mesa
And also like love makes the blood red, if that makes sense?
Ah, yes, now it is clear! at times, when I write, I too feel like an octopus, not bleeding crimson, but shadowy violet, staining the waters with a drifting veil. Thank you for such authenticity, perhaps I too shall cast myself into the sea-foam, to pay what is owed.
twilit cave
Noooooo
Dont leave😭
quick mesa
Noooooo
Dont leave😭
don't worry, I am not leaving, just drifting in violet hues contemplating existence, I just threw myself into the sea foam because I felt moved by the poem tbh
twilit cave
Cool, thanks!
weary grail
That's definitely cool. I like the whole concept.
Though, now I crave as to why the poet owes her life.
twilit cave
A little mystery goes a long way :) but anyways thanks
south tusk
I enjoyed this poem quite a lot, and to me it gets its message across, all while trailing enigmas here and there, which really sum to that mysticism that shrouds deities, etc.
The rhythm is surprisingly cohesive. All I could say are some stylistic choices and commas here and there, but that may just be me.
I get the delicate picture of unmarred nature, which also has loads to do with the overall theme. I particularly like the use of colors mirroring a flower's process of wilting ("bleeds" immediately makes the reader think bright red, only to be followed by "crimson", though on a negative, then "violet", and, at last "somber"). If this was intended, my kudos!
twilit cave
Would love to hear your comments about commas and stylistic choices
stray shoreBOT
atomic abyss
I adore how you juxtapose typically beautiful things (gods, flowers) with pain, decay and exploitation. I like how it kinda shows the shadow of the Gods, the stories of those who aren't as fortunate in their encounters
You manage to convey so much in such brevity it's incredible
Definitely saving this one for later
ionic edgeBOT
@atomic abyss is now following @twilit cave.
lucid vault
This is quite successful at evoking a Sapphic lyric. Ethereal and longing for something beyond what the material world can offer, a sort of emotional transcendence. I like the image of the breast as a flower bed, and the world plucking this beauty, making flowers and blooms as an extension of one’s own soul. My main critiques would be the line “roses lie wilted and bleeding” followed by the lines describing the sweet blooms being plucked from you. I feel it has a bit of redundancy, and it could be tightened by going directly to this image of the blooms being plucked, as this is a very striking image that sticks. You could also suggest more of this absence of the goddess in the world around you. It could add the feeling of something lacking, missing, and strengthen this need for transcendence. Another note: I see that the first two stanzas end on a clause which is completed in the following stanza, while the last two stanzas end on a period. This is nice symmetry, but I wonder if it could be more effective to continue the flowing from one stanza to another and only have the final stanza end on the period, as that would really create a sort of emphasis and feel of finality, while the other stanzas have this flowing, passionate sprawl which creates the atmosphere of waves, nature, and longing. Overall, a good piece.
south tusk
Would love to hear your comments about commas and stylistic choices
sure! Keep in mind this as subjective as it can get, and in this case very nitpicky but mainly the capitalization after em dashes, ("My life") at the end, also to increase comprehensibility; because, as it is, one could infer that "the person's life - which is owed to Aphrodite - is the birth of the goddess". Either capitalizing "My life" or opting for a colon after it helps distinguish the barrier between mortality and divinity, etc.
Conversely, after an em dash there's not really a need to capitalize in the first place. So, for example, "your presence", either a period after the dash or make the y lower case. Again, stuff like this is entirely up to the writer.
I find it just to highlight once more the beautiful swiftness in the middle stanzas, I fully agree on the choice of keeping it one single sentence. That and the words used do mimic a Sapphic style, congratulations, then!
twilit cave
You manage to convey so much in such brevity it's incredible
Thank you so much
twilit cave
This is quite successful at evoking a Sapphic lyric. Ethereal and longing for so...
Hmmm that's a pretty interesting idea to make the final lines feel more final! Thanks for the feedback :)
twilit cave
sure! Keep in mind this as subjective as it can get, and in this case very nitpi...
Lol my grammar just sucks the capitalization after the em dashes aren't intentional
sonic ruin
whenever spring rolls around you will be wilted no more
low lake
O strike me dead, merciful goddess,
for you this world is scorned—
roses lie wil...
This poem is absolute cinema but if you want any kind of opinion. I think “bare” would fit the poem better than “naked”, but again I see nothing else possibly able to be commented on 😭
placid geode
O strike me dead, merciful goddess,
for you this world is scorned—
roses lie wil...
Violet mentioned
fair nimbus
This poem is absolute cinema but if you want any kind of opinion. I think “bare”...
Wow, that's a really honest yet encouraging review. I never thought people can be that careful in their words even while giving an honest opinion! 🙌😍
twilit cave
Yay?
low lake
Wow, that's a really honest yet encouraging review. I never thought people can b...
Hehe I try 
south tusk
Lol my grammar just sucks the capitalization after the em dashes aren't intentio...
well, it's the opinion, in the end
smoky anchorBOT
well, it's the opinion, in the end
Wonderful! @south tusk has just progressed to level 1!
twilit cave
@hard pollen
@analog minnow
analog minnow
I ADORE THIS ! Honestly- it feels very ethereal if that makes sense- sort of emotional-
twilit cave
🌹 A Wilted Flower🌹
pine dock
O strike me dead, merciful goddess,
for you this world is scorned—
roses lie wil...
Ok this is a nice poem rich with imagery! I find the format to be very interesting! I also like the word palette
Now let me get into the deeper analysis of this poem from my perspective!
**Stanza 1: **
O strike me dead, merciful goddess,
for you this world is scorned—
roses lie wilted and bleeding.
I will not
Ok when i read this stanza the second or third time it brought me to the biblical allusion of Eve in a sense cause the world or the garden scorned her after taking a bite of the apple and yes i understand no apples were mentioned in this poem only flowers though it still has the similar symbolic meaning I hope im not confusing you take everything im saying with a grain of salt and the first line:
O strike me dead, merciful goddess,
So you want Aphrodite to strike you dead? So you don't want love in your life or you want to be rid of love is what im getting and the roses wilting and bleeding to me represent corrupted love thats poisoning the land or the world or the garden with darkness is my assumptions but there's like an unresolved issue there but u then said I will not - which leaves the speaker thinking and possibly hanging to see what he or she is not going to allow in their lives it gives off a more defiant tone like you're not gonna comply to just anything - I hope im not rambling btw lol
Stanza 2
live with the sweet blooms
plucked and scattered so long
from my naked breast,
which bleeds
ok so that motif of bleeding is here in this second stanza so you're telling the reader you're not gonna live with the sweet flowers that has been picked and scarce -- now that im reading it again I think those are your scars you're referring to?? sweet blooms could be the scars - cause you said plucked and scattered so long from my naked breast and naked breast - to me feels like you're weak and vulnerable to the dangers of life
**idk if u want me to continue this - I hope im not giving any negative review before I go on i just want ur thoughts so far **
pine dock
ok sure im trying to get better at giving feedback lol
twilit cave
The flower blooms and stuff are just supposed to represent love
the narrator is depressed cause I dunno maybe she got rejected or something
That's how I intended it anyways
Hearing different interpretations is always fun
pine dock
The flower blooms and stuff are just supposed to represent love
ok so the bleeding here is crying i suppose due to the rejection
twilit cave
Did you read the third stanza or are you giving feedback to the stanzas one at a time? Just curious
pine dock
yeah im giving feedback one at a time
stray shoreBOT
twilit cave
nooooo haiku
Its just a metaphor saying that she's bleeding purple because the narrator has no love which would make it red?
idk now that I'm explaining it it sounds really vague 😅
pine dock
Ok this is a nice poem rich with imagery! I find the format to be very interesti...
not deep crimson, but a
shadowy violet, denied of that
which colored it so somber—
your presence.
yeah im getting a lot of mixed emotions here, shadowy violets- thats a very mysterious image to the mind its evocative but wait purple represents royalty though/
ok I get the somber part it doest give off the depression which u said earlier
so their presence colored the love so dark to the point it left you like a shadowy violet ?
twilit cave
Ooooh that's interesting I didn't think of purple in terms of its own connotations just in terms of like its darker than red... I should probably keep that in mind going forwards
twilit cave
so their presence colored the love so dark to the point it left you like a shado...
I was trying to say kind of the opposite, the love colored it red and without it it's like
darker and less
passionate, i guess?
twilit cave
Thanks for all the feedback by the way!
pine dock
no problem
O, merciful lady Aphrodite,
cast me into the sea foam
of your birth— Take what is owed—
my life.
then this last stanza - the goddess herself is revealed so ur asking Aphrodite to cast you back to where the love first began or first stages to how yall met?
and ur hoping that maybe she can fix the depression and the shadowy violets you now bear
so yeah thats my intepretations and all my feedback
stray shoreBOT