#How would this World be?

71 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

faint wadi
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an assumption can be turned into a gentle reality-

umbral flameBOT
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@faint wadi has sent a notification! - @halcyon bone @odd sun @iron burrow @viscid crest @rare sedge

umbral flameBOT
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@faint wadi has sent a notification! - @halcyon bone @odd sun @iron burrow @viscid crest @rare sedge @near quartz

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@faint wadi is now following @median galleon.

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@faint wadi tagged @median galleon!

median galleon
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Sup @faint wadi. My work has reached a certain threshold, so I'm able to comment on this poem. Thanks for waiting.

versed flame
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Hi! :3

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Wanna listen to my figurative repeating?

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It's artistically poetic.

median galleon
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I see. I'm afraid I can't agree. Its good, but I wouldn't be able to raise it to such a high accord personally.

versed flame
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Ok! 😄

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It will be a short story, alright?

median galleon
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OK. The premise of the poem is pretty simple and sweet. Honestly, the message is good. I personally dont fully agree with the conclusion you've drawn. I don't believe that we should simply satisfy ourselves with being me is enough kinda philosophy, because if we don't push ourselves we as humans never reach our full potential. However, thats a personal view, and I admit that I can't judge a poem's quality based on personal beliefs.

  1. Your syllable count is semi-consistent. That means that no line is too clunky, and no line is too short. That is good. It allows for a more or less smooth reading.

  2. Your decision to not make a rhyme scheme was a bit of a let down. The poem is far too simple to be a stand alone Free Verse. Free Verses are written when the poet wants to 'break free' of the poetic constraints like Rhyme Schemes and Meters in an effort to 'write out the desires of their heart'. This doesn't mean writing out a rant like I've seen most others do, but instead means that you fill the poem to the brim with Poetic Devices instead of constraints to substitute, like Alliterations, Metaphors, Imageries, Allusions, etc. Your poem, whilst good, is not something that would stand in Free Verse.

  3. As an example, just consider Maya Angelou's "I Know Why a Caged Bird Sings". It is brimming with passion, emotion, imageries, metaphors, etc. That poem can be a Free Verse, becoz Ms. Angelou filled it with more than enough poetic devices to account for its lack of structure. However, you have a lack of structure and a lack of devices, which makes me a bit iffy about this poem.

versed flame
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Aww thanks for informing me!

weary leafBOT
versed flame
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And you too~! Levels

median galleon
versed flame
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No

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That's my response to levels AI

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I'll tell you about my poem, pls wait

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e

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( please remember that I've been making my poem became more evocative back then. So what are your thoughts about my allegory~?)

median galleon
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Wait. Just tag me in your poem using an @. Lets not clog up this poet's space.

versed flame
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anything else to say?

umbral flameBOT
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@versed flame is now following @median galleon.

median galleon
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Gimme 2 seconds.

umbral flameBOT
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@versed flame tagged @median galleon!

median galleon
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I'm being called for work by parents SobbinTheLanaDelReyOut

versed flame
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Oh, I see.

median galleon
versed flame
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My poem?

median galleon
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No. The 'tagging' command.

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Back again.

versed flame
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Pls wait,

umbral flameBOT
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@versed flame tagged @median galleon!

median galleon
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Look, Stanza 1 was strong. You had powerful imagery, and clear symbolism to show that this character feels guilty about the sins of their past. It was so good, that if I only read this I'd say that its powerful enough for a Free Verse.

However, I feel like Stanzas 2 and 3 faltered quite a bit. The reason I say that is becoz they are literal sentences. They aren't divided into different verses in a stanza. It just one huge statement. That isnt the spirit of poetry.

Maybe I've made a mistake. Maybe your original poem did have Stanzas 2 and 3 as separate verses, but posting them here has 'flattened' them. If that is the case, please do try and format it accordingly, so that I can comment on it more accurately.

Even apart from that, lets continue the analysis. Stanza 2 definitely builds on Stanza 1, but is a little confusing. You extended the guilty party a chance to absolve their sins and they took it. But then you mention that they were prepared to cut you loose? Didn't you offer them a chance to redeem themselves? What happened? I feel like we missed something important here, and rushed to an end.

Stanza 3 is more confusing. On its own, its an OK sentence and it could be argued that it serves as an envoi. But Immorality? How does this relate back to Stanzas 1 or 2 again?

So I'd say that I felt very confused reading this. You need to clarify the relationship between the stanzas better, and decide exactly what the theme of the poem is gonna be (Is it Redemption? Is it Betrayal? Is it the futility of Morality? What happened here?)

versed flame
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To cut someone or something loose means to free someone or something from something which holds or restricts them.

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Okay!

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Let me clarify ;3

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Pls wait

umbral flameBOT
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@versed flame tagged @median galleon!

median galleon
versed flame
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I mean, it makes sense why even highly poetic statements can be confusing to readers due to a lot of interpretations, ambiguities and figure of speeches. (They will feel too abstract and theoretical)

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And yeah, i can simplify my highly poetic stanzas.

median galleon
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I see.

versed flame
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@median galleon hey

median galleon
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Hey

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What's up?

versed flame
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I've made another fanmade story called the Hero and the Prisoner ^-^

median galleon
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Story?

versed flame
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Yep!

median galleon
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So like a story in poem? Or legit just a story?

versed flame
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Like a story in poem, only~!

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It's a bit long narrative

median galleon
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I see. Create a post and tag me there.

versed flame
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Alrighty!

median galleon
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Won't be able to respond immediately, but I'll go thro' it today.

umbral flameBOT
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@versed flame tagged @median galleon!

versed flame
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At first, you need to take note of my disclaimers before proceeding to decipher my narrative.

median galleon
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My man, you gotta tag me IN your poem (the place where you posted). I can't see it merely becoz you tagged me.

versed flame
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Oh

umbral flameBOT
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@versed flame tagged @median galleon!

versed flame
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@median galleon Can you see my poem?

median galleon
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Nope

versed flame
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@median galleon I'm not really impatient that much but to occasionally worry about wasting our time ;-;

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( I dmed to you in my poem)

median galleon
versed flame
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Okay!

blazing scaffoldBOT
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*He crumpled, his last

breath was like a black feather

falling to the ground.*

versed flame
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?

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( I need to go, bye!