#Last Words of a Fading Star

24 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

quartz vault
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Hung above hopeful hearts, so wise
Watching over sparkly eyes
Of faithful lovers on rooftops
Telling promises and vows
Innocent children of pure souls
Sending up prayers out windows
Hoping I’ll shine answers back down —
Energy converted, never lost
As I return their brightness, worlds crossed
In the few moments their lives occupy
My core burns with passion stored by
Memories of mortals I embrace
The hopeful gaze on their face
Then soil swallows them again
From Earth and back to it, amen
But now comes my time to fade back
Into dust floating in the black
Exploding emotions built up diffuse
Particles for a new astral body to use
But worry not, dear dreamers pledding
Your dreams are safe and tame
In my stellar cloud endlessly spreading
Watching over you just the same

b3c2286c6a3a1bbe95e7bf6318108af2.jpg
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Thank you @vestal drum for the lovely prompt:) I had fun writing this!
#✍️・daily-prompts message

cinder iceBOT
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@quartz vault has sent a notification! - @terse thorn @supple valley @lyric cloud @livid ember @frank jackal @wheat owl

terse thorn
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ILY JOOD

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T^T

quartz vault
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I AM RELIEVED THAT I LEFT MY ROOM TIDY, GOODBYE

quartz vault
cinder iceBOT
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@terse thorn has sent a notification! - @supple valley @tropic glade @neat ether @molten pewter @jovial flicker @opaque mirage @wheat owl @mystic bear @violet seal @dreamy marsh @broken inlet @spark patrol @novel sierra @wheat condor @wide pivot @jovial valley @raw iris @indigo marten @lilac fog @light lichen @worn obsidian @frank hollow @quartz vault @ashen sundial @merry moat @proven dust @fleet latch @fluid wraith @buoyant fern @cerulean plover @glossy ibex @snow summit @raven island @sleek stream @livid ember @upper sand @wheat owl @wheat owl @open grail @bleak glacier @fair crystal @swift pine @lyric cloud @agile fable

vestal drum
quartz vault
cinder iceBOT
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@prisma lichen is now following @quartz vault.

terse thorn
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this is western approved

quartz vault
terse thorn
quartz vault
quartz vault
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@proven dust

proven dust
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Cool! This star seems to be powered by mortal emotion, though that doesn't hold back its end.

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Here are a few things I would consider doing with a poem like this. This is just me, but it might help give you ideas for this or other poems. One is that this poem has a rhyming scheme, though it has a few places where it doesn't follow. It also relatively equal line length, between 7 and 10 syllables. Some lines are iambic: "From EARTH and BACK to IT, aMEN". "An ENerGY conVERted, NEver LOST". I find lines with that quality are often the most powerful or beautiful. So you might want to spend time seeing whether you can reshuffle words to make more follow that pattern, and possibly equalize syllable length.

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The other thing peculiar to me is that I like to look into the science of how stars fade and then use that as inspiration. One thing that stars often do in their old age is go nova, and you mention exploding emotions. Not all stars do that, small ones can fade very very slowly. Really big ones go out with an enormous supernova. And novas and supernovas form clouds, and they seed the universe with heavier elements, like iron. And in those clouds new stars can form. Now there's absolutely no requirement in poetry to be scientific, but I find it can help give me ideas.

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None of this feedback is intended to be criticism, my intention is just to give some approaches I use when I write poems that you can consider

quartz vault
snow summit
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this is beautiful!! i love the idea that the star shining is an energy conversion - human “brightness” (as in emotion, happiness and hope and prayer) becomes the star’s brightness.

sleek stream
# terse thorn # ALL OF THIS TURBULENCE WASNT FORCASTED

APOLOGIES FOR THE INTERCOM

But this poem is unapologetically amazing Jood, it's amazing to see the star having to fade/collapse but still watching over as remnants that can form into other stars, watching over the people just the same INNOCENT NoizeLoves