Her smile, like a vivid dream,
a clear winter night,
shines with tenderness
through a blue heart that yearns.
Each gleam, a silent plea,
stirring the cold air,
a silent yawp, neither heard or seen. -Maki.
#Unseen dreams. (My first ever poem. Please provide feedback.)
tacit coyote
@storm hazel
storm hazel
Hello
This was good but i think it could have been longer and deeper
Like overall its goood but i kinda feel like its missing something
tacit coyote
i did feel like continuing it but it is my first poem so i was unsure of the length, i also made it without any kind of help about what poems are like as i wanted my first to be something straight from my mind, thanks for the feedback tho!
quartz onyx
For a first poem - it's pretty good. Shorter poems can be just as good as long ones so don't worry about extending too much, you don't want to just write for the sake of writing. My feedback would be I would maybe rearrange it a bit, as you could have some really nice rhyme/half rhyme placements; dream/gleam, seen/plea, heart/heard etc. again, lovely poem and good luck with your poetry 🙂
tacit coyote
Hello
This was good but i think it could have been longer and deeper
Like over...
Her smile, like a vivid dream,
a clear winter night,
shines with tenderness
through a blue heart that yearns.
Each gleam, a silent plea,
stirring the cold air,
a silent yawp, neither heard or seen.
Jarring laughs of people near,
resembling hyenas on a victorious night.
Shining so brightly,
like a sad man’s hopes and dreams,
a beautiful spell to be shattered,
cold waves of wind such as the seas,
suffocated lungs filled with cold reality,
of which gains no mercy,
on nights such as these.
Beddings once so safe,
now a blue reminder,
coldness let in,
a dark unyielding reality.
tried to lengthen it but i dont know if its gotten better
tacit coyote
For a first poem - it's pretty good. Shorter poems can be just as good as long o...
ahh thank you!! i made a longer version jsut above this message im sending now but thank you for your feedback
its because english isnt my first language so i read a poem doesnt exactly have to rhyme much so im going after that factor, lol! english is my third language :D
i might switch up ''of which hands no mercy'' it sounds weird
brb
much better