home.

[smoky ocean]

-# it... didn't fit so I made it a pdf.

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-# someone did this and I'm hoping to get feedback too. hopefully I'm not doing anything wrong. TT

@teal jolt @autumn plank thank you both for agreeing to check. ^^

[teal jolt]

Ok, reading starting stanzas gave me goosebumps.
I am not a good critic but I will give my opinions.
Your style is more of a story telling type.
Assuming u write stories as well.
The way u describe is amazing and it paints a picture Infront of eyes.
The poem itself makes u feel u are there. The emotions are there.
I just really loved how u put life to those simple words.
Plus, it's similar to how I write so I enjoyed it a lot.

[smoky ocean]

thank you so much for answering, I really appreciate it!!

[teal jolt]

Always buddy. Plus it's always fun to read some amazing work

[quiet inlet]

Omg this is beautiful. Your writing has a deep soul! Your way of describing things is really something! I'm sorry, I can't quite put it in right words cause my english sucks but I love all the details and just woah.

[smoky ocean]

thank you for taking the time to read it!! I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^^

@deft token thank you for agreeing to read through this. ^^

[smoky ocean]

@autumn plank there, sorry!!

[autumn plank]

Classic!

[deft token]

You asked for feedback. I believe this is more prosaic poetry. I don't have time to do a full analysis but the first lines do draw you in, which is wonderful. The first stanza flows but after that it gets a bit harder to narrate/read in a flowy way. Though that does lend itself to the more prosaic style, it also makes it harder to read through and makes important line deliveries fall flatter, makes it harder to keep interest with flow alone and so forth. The imagery on the other hand I do believe is your strong suit here, there were some lovely gems in there like ''carved from dusk and stone'' and ''lullabies buried in layers of dust''. Keep it up! Other than that I believe you were consistent in your narrative and pacing didn't seem off at a first glance, and the twist at the end is wonderful.
Keep writing! Narrate your own work if you'd like it to flow more and keep in mind how your lines come across as they are read/spoken.

Thank you for sharing ^^