can I be yours please?

[frigid relic]

@severe sorrel has sent a notification! - @coarse hedge @sacred heron @cunning holly @solemn jasper @dry aspen @craggy surge @midnight pilot @summer remnant @quaint barn @onyx sequoia @loud nova @nimble tiger @ornate flame

[severe sorrel]

can I be yours please?

[ember kayak]

"Can I be your sunshine-"

[severe sorrel]

(I'm pretty cheesy sometimes hehe)

[ember kayak]

DW someone will be your sunshine(your only sunshine)

[severe sorrel]

yeappp lolz thanks

[frigid relic]

@ember kayak is now following @severe sorrel.

[severe sorrel]

and thank you for following meeeeee

@odd cypress

@golden blaze

@coral roost

@faint grove @clear totem

@vale bloom

@real glen

@glass wind @coral cipher

@pine bay @undone sleet

sorry for the pings hehe..

[sleek apex]

Stale rhymes, staler turns of phrase.

[severe sorrel]

sooo it's bad..? I'd love to hear your feedbackkk

[sleek apex]

Some might enjoy it. Probably not most experienced poetry readers.

But I can speak only for myself.

[severe sorrel]

sir everyone has different styles and it doesn't make them inexperienced and I want to know what your style is and what you like in poems

[severe sorrel]

@lavish void @woven quarry @haughty cargo

[real glen]

@severe sorrel ... read through your poem. Any poem is good, but keep this as a friendly suggestion - for the next porm you are going to write, only if u agree:

• Keep the length not too long for each line.
• Avoid stereotypical expression of feelings (e.g., "Knight in shining armour" is overtly used phrase since the ancient times). Try trendy words or phrases. If u are writing for others to read, then, think of who's ur target audience.
• Have a theme other than romance - to experiment ur thought process.
  Read more poems; write more; enjoy the process. Whatever ur gonna write, write it once, do not tweak it much. Happy writing!

[odd cypress]

This is so gooddd
The perfect amount of cheesy imo

[craggy surge]

I love it, it's just full of everything-

love, fun, rhymes, cheesiness

it's a perfect poem where you are expressing what love is to you, I loved reading it.... thank you for pinging me, it truly was an amazing read!

[severe sorrel]

thank you so much I'll consider it

[severe sorrel]

haha I thought it was too much

thank youuu

[severe sorrel]

thank you so muchhh glad you liked it

[severe sorrel]

what do you mean by don't tweak it much and what other themes should I explore

[real glen]

Themes about identity, confidence, social theme... whichever u like.

"Tweaking" is something a poet keeps on editing, without enjoying the process. Edit should stop after a certain point.

[severe sorrel]

ouhh okay noted I'll keep those in mind thank you again

[severe sorrel]

@worn egret

@onyx coyote

[onyx coyote]

This was such a sweet read! It had everything — love, comfort, a bit of cheesiness, and some really cute metaphors. I especially loved the “glasses” and “record player” parts — felt so original and real.

Just a small suggestion — maybe try playing around with shorter lines or unexpected metaphors next time, just to switch things up. You’ve got such a lovely flow already, and experimenting with different styles might make your writing even more powerful.

[severe sorrel]

will tryyyy and thanks for the feedback I love ittt

[cunning holly]

This is so beautiful.. ur definitely obsessed over someone

[ember kayak]

Could you check out my poems?

[severe sorrel]

hehehehe..

😅

and thankssss

[cunning holly]

ping me

[frigid relic]

@woven quarry is now following @severe sorrel.

[severe sorrel]

@wooden coral

[wooden coral]

"can i be your glasses showing you that flowers still bloom in almost dead grasses?" ahhh i love this metaphor!! is liek yr not fixing their vision, ur reframing their world.

[severe sorrel]

and I love how you put it into words thank you so muchhh I'm glad you like ittt 💗

[woven quarry]

hey @severe sorrel have you deleted the poem? I loved it so much!

[narrow echo]

*hey @bdjkcuqvowibq

have you deleted the poem?

I loved it so much!*

- barakah_29

[severe sorrel]

yeap sorry ╥﹏╥