#Mint Mirage.

9 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

rare galleon
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It’s writhing deep beneath her skin,
A wretched thing she strains to hide.
I need to know what lies within.

A forked tongue behind her grin,
Devours all I dare confide.
It’s writhing deep beneath her skin.

And soon the beast’s beneath my ribs,
It’s eaten through all of my hide.
I need to know what lies within.

Her mint mirage is paper thin,
She’s tried to leave the wyrm behind.
It’s writhing deep beneath her skin.

Despite her prayer and desperate hymns,
The creature’s now inside her eyes.
I need to know what lies within.

I’ll see it overflow her brim,
Terrified of what I may find.
It’s writhing deep beneath her skin,
I need to know what lies within.

(This was my first villanelle)

grand portal
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I just googled how to write a villanelle
It's dang strict!
How the flip you do this and make it so eerie and it's quite punchy and slithery

glad mica
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Good match of form and content. Don't think I understand the "mint mirage" though.

The meter is mostly good iambic tetrameter.

  • "Forked" should be "forkèd," which, OK
  • For "it's eaten through all of my hide," I gather ∪ / ∪ / / ∪ ∪ / is the intended scansion, but my natural reading is ∪ / ∪ ∪ / ∪ ∪ /
  • "Terrified of what I may find" is a substitution too far in my book (/ ∪ / ∪ / ∪ ∪ /, either three trochaic substitutions or headless with an anapest)

The A rhyme slips a little bit with "ribs," "hymns," and "brim," and the B, with "behind," "eyes," and "find"; would be less of an issue for me if the first two stanzas weren't all perfect rhymes.

rare galleon
# glad mica Good match of form and content. Don't think I understand the "mint mirage" thoug...

Thank you so much, this is very helpful feedback!

I didn’t know that forked needed the accent to be pronounced that way, that’s the pronunciation I was going for, just thought it was a regional thing, not a different spelling. Thanks a thousand for that, genuinely.

I didn’t like the flow of “it’s eaten through all of my hide” either, felt jarring and wordy. I changed it to
“it’s clawed and gnawed through all my hide”

“Terrified of what I may find” was a rough line for me.
Do you think
“I dread the monster I’ll descry”
Would be better?
I was trying to break the meter, but it’s often difficult for me to keep the syllables while just changing the meter and maintaining cohesion.

In terms of the rhyme scheme, I didn’t want perfect because I think this way it expresses chaotic repetitive thinking better. So, do you think if I make the first two stanzas near rhymes it would flow better? I don’t like reusing words too much, but what’s your opinion on if I just changed ‘ribs’ to ‘skin’ because instead of her skin I’m talking about mine now?

‘Mint Mirage’ plays more into the larger poem short story this is within, he idealizes her, mint as in ‘mint condition’. He perceives her as flawless, but he’s beginning to see it’s an illusion. I’d love to have your feedback on my working progress short story if you’d oblige 🙂

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EDITED:

It’s writhing deep beneath her skin,
A wretched thing she strains to hide.
I need to know what lies within.

A forkéd tongue behind her grin,
Devours all I dare confide.
It’s writhing deep beneath her skin.

And soon the beast’s beneath my skin,
It’s clawed and gnawed through all my hide.
I need to know what lies within.

Her mint mirage is paper thin,
She’s tried to leave the wyrm behind.
It’s writhing deep beneath her skin.

Despite her prayer and desperate hymn,
The creature’s now inside her eyes.
I need to know what lies within.

I’ll see it overflow her brim,
I dread the monster I’ll descry.
It’s writhing deep beneath her skin,
I need to know what lies within.

rare galleon
glad mica
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Yeah, the early rhymes set an expectation; it’s best to announce early what you’re planning to do.

“Descry” seems not in keeping with the register of the rest of the poem; I prefer the previous version.

How do I find the rest of the story? No promises.

grand portal
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A more fantastical take on what i thought