#Was It La La land?

10 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

wild moth
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Hey hon, I know you're right,
And I'm sorry it took me this long to accept it.
You are my light in the dark night,
And I know I'm not enough for you I admit.

I can't compete with your beauty I know that's true,
And it's okay if he is worthy to hold you near.
I'll hold the thought of you though it is askew,
Be happy, I'll disappear, but if you need me I'll appear.

With you, it was a movie I can't deny,
It ended with a twist, I wish I could write our fate, not just these lines of prose.
Your presence is gone, but a tape full of memories to comply,
My lens still captures your gaze, and I'm waiting for it to dispose.

Should I stay, as I promised, though you’ve long been gone?
Or drown in this void, would letting go be wrong?

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@quartz gazelle @thin mauve @unreal rain @slate mantle @proud briar

quartz gazelle
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Amazing

wild moth
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thank you @quartz gazelle

wild moth
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kindred fern
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hi @wild moth, a lot of thoughts here. What kind of feedback are you seeking? I can give general, or more in depth constructive and thematic feedback

wild moth
kindred fern
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It's not bad. In my personal opinion, a lot of the metaphors used in this poem (light, dark night, drowning in a void) are a bit cliche and makes this poem less unique, less personal/specific. This is not great for a poem that wants to carry out the themes that it is trying to carry out as these generic cliches don't tend to lend nuance to themes. One thing that particularly puzzled me is the seemingly incorrect use of the phrase "these lines of prose", because these lines are lines of a straightforward poem and not even prose poetry. However, some lines are wonderful and carry with them a nice metaphor of camera shots that I think you can extend to the rest of the poem to make the piece overall stronger and more cohesive as well. Normally, I would call 'lens' a cliche metaphor, however if you choose to expand on the idea of the camera shot metaphor/motif/theme then the lens idea will suddenly became fresh again. I have gripes with the first and last lines-- specifically the whole of the first stanza and just the last line. The first line should be a strong hook and the last line should condense the whole poem and/or give a lingering strong send-off for the reader to think on, but I would say the first line plus stanza is somewhat weak and doesn't give off enough intrigue, and the last line's cliches actively weaken the impact of the rest of the poem.

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My advice and recommendation for you for making this a stronger piece would be to do some research on the camera/film stuff, and try to incorporate these ideas in an original or niche way into the message/feeling you want to convey via the poem. I would say while you are rewriting you can ditch the rhyme scheme and come back to fit them back in after you've got the new foundations down. I also suggest after all of this you might want to reconsider a change in the title as it gave me a bit of time to realize that you were referencing the movie and not referencing a theme like delusion.