Drunk

[balmy totem]

She ate my heart out, chunk by chunk
I asked the moon to pour me sleep
And practiced getting drunk

The Empty joined me on the bunk
She took my eyes and bade me weep
She ate my heart out, chunk by chunk

My door closed with a heavy thunk
We hid the sanguine draughts I seep'd
and practiced getting drunk

I became her silent monk
All my insides her gentle keep
She ate my heart out, chunk by chunk

I worked, with sweat, the iron pump
And fed and fed the numbing heap
and practiced getting drunk

We intertwined, a passioned lump
We drank each other, deep to deep
She ate my heart out, chunk by chunk
and practiced getting drunk

My first real villanelle! Feedback appreciated!

[shadow mulch]

It's interesting, not in a bad way though. I like it, well written, but i cant really understand the meaning. maybe its just me, and i hide my meaning under moutains of metaphors so maybe im just tired and brain no brain. the spaces are well places and a good repetiviness (oml i cant spell) but other than that i think its good

[balmy totem]

@hard sluice

[hard sluice]

not sure if it was intentional, but i liked the way your poem played with the sounds of certain words, it's got a musical tone to it, just like villanelles were meant to! the main topics (which i think are obsession, devotion and innocence, forgive me if i got them wrong) and how you told us about them made the piece feel deeper in both imagery and tone. smart choice of diction and refrains. 8/10!!