#Along The Flow..

8 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

sacred sable
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*Years ago, a wish sneaked in
It dreamt of attaining peace
Had a thirst of mental satisfaction
And longed to eliminate anger

The flow wasn't planned
Universe served it to me
At first it seemed odd
Now along the flow I flew afar

The heights that now rest
On the abandoned foundation
It passed by the skies of pain
Being conscious of the matrix of ego

I was taught creating digital realms,
Weaving shared tales with every voice,
Teasing opponents on those 64 squares,
Making the words flow on the paper,
Finding the depths where worlds align,
And being a high-speed supercomputer

My heart still ain't a fan
Of those mockeries, those taunts
Yet in my self-loved mind
These useless follies don't last longer
Though the air of temper still persists
I abide myself along the flow...*

~ YoDaBRO

gaunt ridge
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Some fun alliteration. Also, the 'o' vowel echoes quite nicely throughout the poem.

I like that final set of lines a lot. I know you're going for free-verse, but I might change some words or phrases around to keep diction consistent. I think it's cool that it's placed as the first line in the final stanza, so I would ask if you want "My heart still ain't a fan" to designate where the poem turns. If not, do consider that 'ain't' has a different tone than 'Follies' and 'Temper', along with all of the earlier parts of the poem.

I might also look at words that don't contribute much to the overall image. 'Useless follies' as a phrase is a good example. From what I understand, we're speaking to the useless foolishness that we want to let go of. I would look to remove the word useless entirely or cut the line in half to create a feeling of suspension as we travel down towards the end of the poem. Right now it's 3 lines of 6-7 syllables, and then the final three lines containing 9 each. If you keep the lines at 6-7 syllables for just a little longer, those final two lines are going to hit with more weight.

sacred sable
gaunt ridge
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Keep up the great work!

sacred sable
#

Along The Flow..

void ibex
wispy ploverBOT
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@void ibex is now following @sacred sable.

sacred sable