Gentleman

[carmine rover]

i really like the rhythms on this, especially in the third stanza

love the rhymes you chose

palpitations is a fun word

[sour pollen]

now that you say it, it lowkey does

like he's deathly afraid of wasting his time

but the exciting part is the last line

[carmine rover]

mhmm i noticed

you could probably make it more tense though
when I read the end, I was thinking of what “darker than a tint” might mean, or if the feeling is really inside the skin or fluttering across it from just beneath the surface

lean on the images

go draw from the sensory part of it

i love the image of discourse within the skin

lean on what you have and make the reader feel what you want them to feel

[restive badge]

*lean on what you have

and make the reader feel what

you want them to feel*

- raino dakota

[carmine rover]

poems like this are so cool because they can actually send shivers down your back and arms

i’ve read sensory-based poetry that gave me physical goosebumps

that is the most interesting and flexible part of it imo

[sour pollen]

interesting observation, as much as i could discuss what it means, i'll just think about what can be changed to evoke that feeling or understanding

[carmine rover]

whatever you see fit!

this feels like a story of stolen glances, not so much about love as it is about lust

i tend to really like that tone

[sour pollen]

you provided some great commentary and gave me something to work with to improve tbh

[sour pollen]

to me, this is like a grandma telling her grandchildren a story but at the same time adding some experiences she had with him to add flare to it

[carmine rover]

i’m glad i could contribute something

[carmine rover]

ooo i could see that

[sour pollen]

hence the specific details like his touch, what he likes, his attributes. they could be signs of things she knows about him because she experienced it, yk?

[carmine rover]

what stage would you place this poem at on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a rough draft and 10 being a polished, finished piece

do you still see bits you would wanna improve or add onto

[carmine rover]

love that

painting a big canvas with little splashes of sensory paint

[sour pollen]

im usually proud of every poem i do but these suggestions kind of mademe realize that i can always improve so 6-7

[carmine rover]

one will never be motivated to improve something they aren’t proud of

and you’re right to be proud of it

[sour pollen]

everywhere to be very honest. im stating but i want people to understand why he is like this or why this thing he does has such a reaction

[carmine rover]

mm i see

do you envision this poem as a shorter piece or would it maybe have potential to be a longer form poem

[sour pollen]

how im gonna do that without rupturing the rhythm of the poem, we'll see

[hollow girder]

Wonderful! @sour pollen has just progressed to level 2!

[carmine rover]

because both short and long poems have their advantages for expressing things in depth

[sour pollen]

i like longer poems because there's more to add but short poems.. im not sure how to feel about them

[carmine rover]

well in any case there’s no pressure

sit down with your poetry, it’s ok to spend a ton of time wondering where the heck to take it

[sour pollen]

ill condense the poem and do one where i make it longer and compare which one really expresses what i want to say in a way that's smooth

[carmine rover]

sounds good

[sour pollen]

@low swallow @sweet lance @bright flicker here's another poem of mine

[bright flicker]

I liked how it flowed

Idk how to explain

[sweet lance]

It's good

Flows good

[bright flicker]

But the ups and downs of the rhythm

[sour pollen]

its about this really attractive man and the rumors spread about him condensed into one description

[bright flicker]

I get it, i get it

It's beautiful

[sour pollen]

tysm, "Heart" is beautiful too

[bright flicker]

Thanks

[low swallow]

🥹 holy the way u describe this person is beautiful

[sour pollen]

tysm 😭 hopefully, i get to become this man

[low swallow]

Ohh i thought this was someone uses had a crush on

[sour pollen]

except for the first line, i dont want to be known

[low swallow]

Ayy, as a person once told me, "to be humble is to be seen"

[sour pollen]

well, its about this handsome man and the rumors everyone says about him but just condensed

[low swallow]

Ohhh, I was unsure if the poem was about who u wanna become or who u admire

[sour pollen]

no, its about someone else but thanks for the idea lol

[bright flicker]

Ahhh, the feeling "Do I want to be them or to be with them" (sometimes it's both)

[low swallow]

Ohhh im slow 😭 but im intrigued about who this person is

[low swallow]

Real admiration often inspires becoming

[sour pollen]

if i had to choose, it would be deon hinton

just google him, he's quite the man

[low swallow]

He seems cools reminds me of frank ocean

[sour pollen]

funny enough he is a fan of frank