A poem about losing you

[atomic beacon]

I always thought about if we could
See the sunsets one final time.
I always thought about if you would
Forgive my moral crimes.

I made mistakes, and I cut some strings,
And now I understand the pain it brings.
I can’t believe I had the guts to hurt you,
And now your heart is broken, and burned all the way through.

I miss the old days when we kissed in the moonlight,
The nights that weren’t dark, the ones that felt bright.
Because you lit them up, with your glowing eyes,
Blue as the ocean, bright as the skies.

Forgive me, for all of my troubles and faults,
And I will never forget our dances of waltz.
Remembering those times brought tears to my eyes,
As I mourn the loss of my beautiful prize.

I’m hurting, dying, losing control,
As I’ve lost all hope, of reaching any goal.
Losing you was the worst time of my life,
As I could no longer dream of you being my wife.

[storm holly]

awh. this one is really sweet in a sad and broken way. i understand the pain of losing someone you hold dear, but also hurting them beyond comprehension. it's a really hard thing to face or let happen even though it does. i love the way everything is worded; it helps capture you two's moments perfectly but also maintaining the touch of despair through the writing

[atomic beacon]

Funny thing is I’m not really going through anything as deep as this

[zealous fiber]

Wonderful! @atomic beacon has just progressed to level 8!

[atomic beacon]

I thought up a character to write this

[storm holly]

ohh

[atomic beacon]

put myself in that persons shoes

[storm holly]

it's really well written for that though

i love it

[atomic beacon]

Thank you

I can’t believe I was even able to write something this deep

Just shows that if you immerse yourself in a character you can write something just as deep as if you were really feeling it

[storm holly]

it reminds me of someone, which kinda hurt me to read because i relate so much to it😭 , you're a really good writer

[atomic beacon]

Thank you! 🙂

I hope this one gets more attention lol

Cause I think it’s one of my best so far

[storm holly]

it is really good!

[atomic beacon]

Thank you 🙂

[storm holly]

of course!

[atomic beacon]

🙂

[vale orbit]

This feels like a sad love song
Quite nice
Nice flow
Hope - reflection - reminicense - amends - loss of hope
I like how the first part kinda contradict the last line

[atomic beacon]

yea that contradiction is interesting

At the beginning the narrator thinks about seeing the sunsets again

but at the end the narrator is unable to dream anymore

[vale orbit]

Just some really really tiny nitpick maybe you can use something other than prize on
"As i mourn the loss of my beautiful prize"
Or just something like prized maybe
It feels less objectifying than a prize
Cus prize mean something you win over a reward for someting
Prized is something of importance

[atomic beacon]

a prize is still valuable

and a prize doesn’t have to be an object either

Prizes can be valuable so you can use it as that sort of positive description

plus there’s the possessive pronoun my

which shows that this person is valuable to the narrator

[vale orbit]

I see

Mhm mhm

[atomic beacon]

Yup

[vale orbit]

Anyway nice one

Keep making more !

[atomic beacon]

Thanks! 🙂

I will

also how many stars do you need to go on the starboard

[normal prawn]

"Blue as the ocean, bright as the skies."🫠🫠🫠🫠

[atomic beacon]

I know I felt like so good when I wrote that line bc i didn’t even need to think it it just came through when I was typing up this poem

[normal prawn]

Made me melt frfr

[atomic beacon]

the last line is the icing on the cake for me

It rhymes with the previous line which is already sad enough as it is

[normal prawn]

For me, I found most strong emotions in the metaphors.

[atomic beacon]

and like revealing the narrators intentions makes the whole poem much more depressing

cause it shows just how much this messed him up

[atomic beacon]

True

[signal crown]

literally crying to this rn

[atomic beacon]

Omggg

[signal crown]

lord

[zealous fiber]

Wonderful! @signal crown has just progressed to level 2!

[signal crown]

idk about the technical stuff behind poetry but it did a good job of making me feel

[atomic beacon]

W

[royal monolith]

this hits so deep

[full wind]

@torn summit is now following @atomic beacon.

[spring stone]

What did u put under her foot? The small puncture wound & a painful mound she had for weeks? What did u put there? What was it? What was it meant to do to her health?

?

[atomic beacon]

if you’re asking what the narrator did to hurt the one he loved then it isn’t specifically stated or inferred in the poem

It isn’t something that you need to know about the two to understand everything in this poem

also the narrator isn’t supposed to be me, this poem isn’t a mirror of anything I’ve experienced- I thought up a character and put myself in their shoes to write this

[modest hinge]

You've written with your heart, not your brain, and it shows, in both good and bad ways

I see an honest to God emotion, but I also see a lot of clichés, half-formulated thought scraps, and a rather bland rhyme scheme

That being said, the narrative structure and the tonality are pretty much nailed

[atomic beacon]

True

#1387290288447422484 is one you might want to read @modest hinge