men deserve love too (improved)

[lament radish]

@plush palm i changed it how is it now

[limpid cove]

woah
i absolutely love this
it challenges the current view of females above everything and reminds us that men also have feelings
this one hit hard i rlly like it

[lament radish]

thank youuu i am so glad you liked it

[chrome hornet]

Love it!!!

[lament radish]

@topaz phoenix

[topaz phoenix]

Masculinity doesnt always mean your are entitled to always be unbreakable

Good poem btw!

[lament radish]

thanksss

[opaque delta]

Hi. So, feedback.

I love the sentiment (technical term not derogatory word for "feelings") of this poem.

It does, however, read like prose to me. Beautiful prose, but prose. If I made a small modification to the grammar, each stanza after the first could be prose.

But it really is a beautiful intention and well constructed.

You have a rhyme in stanza 1, that you then abandon completely. Why is that? 🙂

[lament radish]

no idea js went with the flow hehe

not much of an expert on poems i found out what a stanza is the other day sooo.. working on it

[opaque delta]

I see 🙂 I studied poetry at uni. I am quite good at it, or so I've been led to believe 🙂

[stray isle]

Wonderful! @opaque delta has just progressed to level 3!

[lament radish]

and js searched what prose is.. noted.. thanks for the feedback btw

[ivory compass]

*and js searched what

prose is.. noted.. thanks for the

feedback btw*

- bdjkcuqvowibq

[lament radish]

WHAAA TEACH ME

[torpid panther]

@lament radish is now following @opaque delta.

[opaque delta]

I've only recently felt the muse stir again

But here's some things to think about. They don't always help, but some poets find the techniques useful to name.

Poetic meter, poetic feet (iamb, trochee, anapest, etc)

Poetic types. Elegy, ode, etc.

[lament radish]

umm.. i will learn smth new today yaaayyy hehe thx i will check them later i acctually gtg now also rlly appreciate it

[opaque delta]

You are most welcome 🙂

[lament radish]

@hidden moon

[hidden moon]

hello

[lament radish]

hi hiii

@regal moth

[ivory compass]

*Ok now ill be

annoying u by pinging

u on all my sit*

- kainotgay

[regal moth]

Le itz beri melancholic

Moi reading it from da pov of mah bf le

Itz a gudze poem le

I think you did a great job at it 🥺

Le buzz moi felt the last stanzazz meh

Itz a nitpick on mah part

Moi think it could do better le

Le also the 4th one

Cauz moi thinkz the 3rd stanza did a gudze job there and 4th onez juzz tryna capitaliz on dat le

But datz juzz moi I think

GREAT POEM LE

[lament radish]

its okayyy i still love the feedback and ur opinion thank youu moi lovez ur feedbackz

me tryna learn ur language

[dawn idol]

this is beautiful
why did this make me almost shed a tear holy flip

[lament radish]

awh thank you so muchhh

🤧

[plush palm]

A vast improvement in craft

Its impact definitely feels more earned now

[lament radish]

thank you

[lament radish]

@naive heath

[lament radish]

@tame stirrup (warning ima tag u a lot now)

[tame stirrup]

lol it's fine

ill probably reply within a few days tho

yes yes the anaphora used here is great

[lament radish]

I don't mind

[lament radish]

sorry what's anaphora..

interesting word though

[tame stirrup]

as someone who values gentle masculinity i do find this poem amazing and touching

[tame stirrup]

if im not mistaken it's where u use the same phrase word or sentence at the beginning of a paragraph or stanza repetitively

[lament radish]

thanks ( my crush gave me the inspo so the real credit goes to him 😌 )

[lament radish]

ouhhhh

yesh

thanksss

[tame stirrup]

is it alright if i share this with friends?

[lament radish]

of course you don't have to askkk

[lament radish]

@iron oriole

[modern stump]

There’s something achingly necessary about this poem. You’ve wrapped tenderness around a truth most people overlook — that men are so often denied softness, denied space to feel without conditions.

Lines like “His soul bled through his nose”? Haunting. It captures grief in a visceral way that makes you stop and feel it in your chest. That moment says everything about the pressure men carry and the way pain seeps out when there’s no room left to contain it.

Your repetition of “Men deserve love too —” acts almost like a mantra, as if you're trying to reach someone who desperately needs to hear it. It’s grounding and gives the piece a strong rhythm — calm but resolute.

[stray isle]

Wonderful! @modern stump has just progressed to level 3!

[lament radish]

omgggg best feedback gotten so farrr makes me wanna save it thank you so muchhh and yeah I am desperate cuz most ppl overlook it or don't see it and again thank you so muchhh I appreciate it

[lament radish]

@mighty kiln

[lament radish]

@gentle yoke

[oblique gulch]

The only flaw in this is that... It's Positive and hopeful.

But eh, I must admit. It's a really good poem.

I like it👍

[gentle yoke]

Hmm. I see what you are trying to do with this poem. I want to see you develop this idea a bit further with more research, maybe. for example, who exactly do you want this poem to address, is there people who think men do not deserve love? or are you trying to address people who take the men in their lives for granted in some ways? more brainstorming can be in your future. the repetition in this poem doesn't quite serve you in the final draft even though I can see that it helped you as a jumping off point for what you want to say in this poem. if you want to deconstruct something societal in phenomenon, what nuances can you take away from it? you've presented to me in this poem a lot of ideas that many people have brought up-- I want to see what else you might gain from writing this poem and thinking on the topic deeper. for example, what about gender roles that alienate men from their emotions and make it harder for them to socially receive emotional care and validation? what if the man doesn't pay bills, or don't act strong. do they deserve to receive love? why do they hide their aches, what does this say about current times? give me the minute details, the big patterns, give me imagery, give me vivid sensory experiences, give me nuance. but good basis here. keep writing, best of luck.

[lament radish]

haha thanks anyways

[lament radish]

woah- this gave me that feeling like I js gave my poem go a contest thank youu I will keep that in mind and idk much bc I'm a girl so idk what guys go through this was inspired by a few things I saw and heard abt

[gentle yoke]

good! it shows that you have a good capacity for empathy. let's see it translate better as you mature your writing-- you have good potential

[lament radish]

thank you a lotttt really means a lot

[lament radish]

thank you so much and that's what I wanted it to be

[lament radish]

@edgy solar

[edgy solar]

hmm thing what bothers me here is that it should have ended

with men finding love not external but, internally

cuz, now there still chasing that, which caused the problem in the 1st place

[lament radish]

sorry I didn't get what you mean by that

[edgy solar]

love thyself

[lament radish]

ouhh

[edgy solar]

vs try and look for love outside

[lament radish]

I see it

it's rare in men ig

[edgy solar]

there's nothing learned here

so its like ure just back at the start when it ends

[lament radish]

I'm a girl and I don't really talk to guys so.. plus idk what they feel and all

[lament radish]

ouhh

[edgy solar]

the same thing as u an i do

we arent that different really

[lament radish]

we just met- but you sound cool

nice meeting you senka

[edgy solar]

🤭 thnx i think so too opinions may vary around here hahaha

[edgy solar]

nice meeting ya

[lament radish]

lolz haha

do you have any poems you wanna tag me in?

I'd love to read

[edgy solar]

later maybe

[lament radish]

no problem

[lament radish]

@muted relic

[lament radish]

@edgy solar

[lament radish]

@iron oriole ||sorry 🫣🤧||

[iron oriole]

No sorry.

[lament radish]

too kind

[edgy solar]

Man I really Need to hear this 🥲

Thank You for This...❤️

[lament radish]

welcomes also u are a girl right I don't wanna be mistaken and ur pronouns say she her and thank you so muchhh

[lament radish]

@atomic wadi

[atomic wadi]

What is it?

[lament radish]

feedback?

[atomic wadi]

Wait, I'll read

[muted relic]

Noice poem, love the emotions

[lament radish]

thank you

[atomic wadi]

This is nice, although I would prefer a little more imagery if you're willing to edit, but all in all, I love the little drops in the middle of the stanzas. It's a good poem.

[lament radish]

thank you and I'll keep that in mind next time

[lament radish]

@twilit timber