10/10. Wholesome.
#"FROM THE OTHER SIDE"
wooden osprey
leaden sail
thank you !
sturdy pulsar
This is a very unique and thoughtfully executed idea
leaden sail
This is a very unique and thoughtfully executed idea
thank you!
lucid eagleBOT
thank you!
Wonderful! @leaden sail has just progressed to level 7!
sturdy pulsar
Kudos to you for maintaining a fairly consistent rhythm
I also like the sense of humor throughout this poem
wintry burrow
I love the age transition and word choice in this poem, very inspired.
My only nitpick is that pair of lines that don’t rhyme, unless you’re trying to bring attention to those lines in particular in some way, but that’s just my nitpick for a poem that succeeds in rhyming across every other line.
leaden sail
My only nitpick is that pair of lines that don’t rhyme, unless you’re trying to ...
Got it, when I write my so called poetry, I just go with the flow and whatever comes to my mind...Now that you mention it, it does seem kinda annoying ....Thank you for the feedback! :))
wintry burrow
I wouldn’t go so far as to say annoying or bad, but it caught my attention, and I didn’t see any reason to break the rhyme scheme a single time. The question is where do you want my attention?
leaden sail
I wouldn’t go so far as to say annoying or bad, but it caught my attention, and ...
right, must've been overlooked when writing and I am just a beginner so ye, idrk what I'm up to. I will see if that can be fixed and umm idk, the reader's attention is required throughout the poem, isn't it?
plush marten
Nice. I think you can push it a lot further with the ideas. in first stanza for example, why not go for a line edit like-- "I am a fine sheen, I am the foil of film underneath." the last two lines are pretty good, and I really appreciate the usage of the word mien. however the repeat of the word/idea "flaw" somewhat dampens the impact. i like the second stanza-- evocative. I think the poem got a little lost in the subsequent stanzas (3 to 5). I get what you are trying to do, but unlike the 2nd stanza the implications and imagery disappeared and instead relied too much on abstract writing, which can lose a reader fast with no concrete foundation. the 6th stanza returned to being quite good. the last one can be reworked. why is the mirror considered immortal, for example? is it magic? if so it's not sufficiently hinted at throughout the poem and it can puzzle a reader and take one out of the immersion. and there is a lack of clarity in the last two lines, which highly reduces the impact of the last stanza. but overall, good, keep writing. best of luck
lucid eagleBOT
Nice. I think you can push it a lot further with the ideas. in first stanza for ...
Wonderful! @plush marten has just progressed to level 13!
leaden sail
Nice. I think you can push it a lot further with the ideas. in first stanza for ...
Wow, okay, first of all thank you soo much for reading it and for the awesome feedback....Idk about the first stanza.....sure, the word 'flaws' can be edited since it is repeated...I would like help on how to make the stanzas 3-5 better though, since I am a mere beginner and don't currently have any ideas in mind. Now that I think about it, yes, the imagery and yk, the lively-ness does go away after the 2nd stanza and the following ones are less interesting for the reader too. I'm not quite sure about the last stanza either. The poem wasn't really about the mirror's immortality, right? It was more about it's perspective. Then, why shall one write about it's immortality in detail, although there is an indirect mention about it?I agree with the lack of clarity in the last two lines, but unfortunately, I wan't really able to think of any alternatives.