#(No title)

7 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

random kettle
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Pretty deep… love the brown eyes section.

spice axle
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Wow.. this really hit me like a truck.. Loved the ocean moments..

fast yoke
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It's good.

"Are you not aware of the tears that fall heavily from my eyes that cause rain like mother nature who causes a fright or are you too caught up in that glow of your new car and the big bright golden light?"

This is easily the longest run-on sentence in the poem. There are clearly two subjects here, you and him. I would split the section into two sentences and clean it up a bit.

steel sparrow
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Thanks!

loud wolf
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Review ! !! !! ! VV By - Keyari ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖

Strengths VV

You weave together multiple metaphors — the ocean, the door, and the wall — to represent emotional barriers, distance, and hope. The ocean representing emotional depth and heartbreak is especially effective. It makes the poem feel visually immersive and emotionally vast, like the speaker is drowning in longing which I really like !!!

And this isn't a basic heartbreak poem you expose emotional dependency, disillusionment and the bitter truth of being replaced but you don't rely on overused lines instead the pain feels very personal and specific

“While I’m too caught up waiting for that text
I can see another girl already preparing to be next.” - I really like this

The poem's structure reflects its theme the looping phrasing and repetition of words like "reaching", "door,", "boat", "wall" mimic how heartbreak often feels and it's like a cycle you can't escape which helps strengthen the psychological realism of the poem

You move seamlessly from a hopeful, dreamy tone (“Was it all a dream?”) into heartbreak and betrayal -Emotional whiplash

It sounds like someone’s honest late-night thoughts, unfiltered — which is rare and emotionally gripping !!!!

Improvements VV

You might want to cut a few wordy or repetitive lines to keep the pacing nice and strong you could also smooth the floe between the boat/ocean metaphor and the door/wall metaphor and if you want refine a couple of uneven lines for better lyrical flow

"Because I’m talking to an unspeakable wall and there’s no way to end the cycle of repetition."

Changed to:

"I talk to a silent wall — trapped in a loop I can’t break."

"I forget the wall between the boat and the ocean, the space between the door handle and I..."

Changed to:

"I lose sight of what divides us — boat from sea, door from reach..."

"I call it betray and you call it a normal day,"

Changed to:

"I call it betray and you call it a normal day,"

Overall: 9/10 !!

steel sparrow
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Thanks pal

loud wolf