#In Limbo

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grizzled dune
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*My sight's static, grey, enigmatic,

My mind's aquatic, racing, erratic,

My limbs dissolve, lumbering like lead,

And my thoughts are elastic, splitting, spreading.

Please don’t steal me, o dismal dawn, dread drawn;
If I leave this velvet night, the floor will be frigid.
I don't want the light, the fight, or awoken scorn;
I wish to wade in shadows thrall, in vivid images.

The wind whistles, the house is still, yet I lie here;
Pine leaves rustle, the ceiling blurs, fingers smear.
Let me sink in these silky sheets for sixty minutes,
To fade away, start again, laying in florid thickets.

As I float in starry seas, hearing the world's call,
It beseeches me to stretch, stand, anything at all.
The clock's ticking; my body's fuzzy and buzzing,
Mulling over the rise, blue skies, and torpid
tugging.

To serenade and lay in this smoky, foggy cradle,
To turn to stone, be alone, letting the sun rot,
To let the tides climb, as I rove in forever fables,
To smell the glittery marigolds; why should I part?

I breathe, I blink, but I feel no flare
In my beating heart; dust dancing in the air.
My soul's entwined into fantasy, my steps unsure;
Drifting in endless directions, detached, obscured.*

artworks-000500580294-euos8x-t500x500.jpg
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@drowsy matrix

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@lunar canyon @stuck wigeon

stuck wigeon
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i was already here😌

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(currently reading atm lol)

grizzled dune
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@merry phoenix @marble ore @opaque anchor

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@pliant gulch @lucid palm

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@main cloud @sacred shell

drowsy matrix
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Will read later ghost^^

grizzled dune
stuck wigeon
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Good poem ghost, the lines “Let me sink in these silky sheets for sixty minutes” & the last 2 all spoke volumes. The word choice is beautiful (there were words i didn’t even know existed) that fits so well with this. The mood i get from this is calm. [Basically i’m finna follow you cuz i can’t wait to see all the stuff you have in store]milkhearthug

river daggerBOT
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@stuck wigeon is now following @grizzled dune.

stuck wigeon
grizzled dune
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@simple oasis

drowsy matrix
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this is amazing

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@grizzled dune

grizzled dune
drowsy matrix
plucky brook
# grizzled dune *My sight's static, grey, enigmatic, My mind's aquatic, racing, erratic, ...

Review ! !! !! ! VV By - Keyari ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖

Strengths VV

The poem creates a serene and almost otherworldly mood with lines like “float in starry seas,” “silky sheets,” and “laying in florid thickets.” And the metaphors you use evoke a soft yet hazy liminal space between sleep and wakefulness

The rhythmic structure and varied line lengths guide the reader through the poem and you have multiple internal rhymes (“aquatic” / “elastic” / “lead”) and alliteration (“silky sheets,” “sun-streaked walls”) add pleasing sound patterns

The poem evokes physical sensations (heavy limbs, thick tongue, numb fingers) which deepen the feeling of sluggishness and detachment

The staggered indented first stanza visually reflects the feeling of floating and drifting

Improvements VV

“My soul’s stitched into fantasy” and “Time is slow, my heart beats, but isn’t quite real.” is a little vague you could add a touch more concreteness to ground the emotions
“the day has come” paired with “my tongue is thick” could be expanded to more directly show the tension between waking and lingering sleepiness.

Some lines use passive or neutral phrasing (“My soul’s stitched into fantasy,” “My thoughts are elastic”). Substituting a few with stronger, more vivid verbs can heighten impact

For example !!

My soul weaves itself into fantasy” or “My thoughts stretch and snap like rubber bands.”

A few places could use punctuation for flow and clarity especially in longer lines or where new ideas shift

Add more sensory details like smells, tastes and textures to pull the reader deeper into the scene

Overall: 8.7/10 INNOCENT ! ! ! ! !

jade zinc
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Your use of half and full rhythms in this poem is pretty well done. And your imagery, both visual and auditory, is pretty impeccable, the readers can definitely feel the inner turmoil of the narrator. Yet I am somehow not able to find the purpose of this poem, this might be intentional, as the narrator tells us about his turmoil "my steps unsure" And the last few lines. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Overall, it's a pretty gud poem with a nice slightly off but fitting rhyme scheme and word selection.

REAL Cozy

dusky surge
# grizzled dune *My sight's static, grey, enigmatic, My mind's aquatic, racing, erratic, ...

This is an entertaining read, bro. I really like it - from beginning to end. Yes 👍🏽
Other feedback: Is this poem supposed to be about “limbo,” the place that people who don’t believe in Purgatory believe souls go to when they die (like somewhere in between Hell and Heaven)?
More feedback: I personally love and appreciate the alliterations, particularly “sight’s static,” “limbs are lead,” and “torpid tugging.”

Overall, well said!

Ghost Star⭐️:: W poet

-Quad. ✌🏽

grizzled dune
main cloud
dusky surge
grizzled dune
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@dark gulch

grizzled dune
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@obtuse pagoda

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@distant aspen

grizzled dune
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@chilly crow

chilly crow
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now i dont wanna be dumbass sherlock rn but i got was that is it was about sleeping in

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it is*

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very pretty words

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i liked it

pliant gulch
# grizzled dune *My sight's static, grey, enigmatic, My mind's aquatic, racing, erratic, ...

omg THIS IS ABSOUTLEY STUNNINGGG. the way you weave tgt physical heaviness "my limbs are lead" with this dreamy, floating sensation it's like i can FEEL that paradoxical weightlessness ur describing. and ong i love the opening lines, it kinda hit me like a wave, "my sight's static my mind's aquatic" i feel like this is a perfect way to capture that dissociative fog. and the "sun-streaked walls give me withdrawals"HOW U THINK LIKE THAT ITS SO GENIUS. ok but that last stanza tho "dust dancing in the air my soul's entwined into fantasy" chiils omg, cuz you've captured that eerie, liminal space between presence and absence so perfectly!!

cursive edge
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It was okay. Not alright but okay.

bronze light
# grizzled dune *My sight's static, grey, enigmatic, My mind's aquatic, racing, erratic, ...

I quite liked that! I really enjoyed the staggered, descending structure used in the preamble, it gives the feeling of going down the stairs, which…it’s hard to quantify why that feeling fits.

The only minor criticism i really have would be the lines “these sun-streaked walls give me withdrawals, foretelling the fall of follies that soar and sprawl;” it is somewhat difficult to divine what is being communicated here, and could maybe benefit from communicating a more detailed emotion. Withdrawals being a physical and psychological response to the body lacking something it craves (here i presume this to mean the body and the mind craves the comfort of sleeping and dreaming), yet it’s not entirely communicated what that looks or feels like. same with “fall of follies that soar and sprawl” are the dreams follies? are they soaring and sprawling and falling? is life full of follies, and the dreams offer refuge from this?

overall i thought it was pretty damn good, a very enjoyable read. in truth it’s mostly effective in communicating the key elements. I think a small correction here and there to add specificity would perfect the work.

lunar canyon
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This poem feels like being half-awake in a daydream, like floating in that weird space between wanting to move and choosing not to. It captures that sleepy, weightless feeling of disconnection so perfectly — not in a depressing way, just in a soft, quiet kind of escape. The imagery is so beautiful and surreal: "my mind's aquatic," "silence of clouds," "dust dancing in the air" — it’s gentle but heavy at the same time. I love how it puts the struggle of existing into something dreamy and poetic, without forcing a conclusion. It’s just... honest and lost and peaceful, all at once. I LOVE THIS POEM!!!SobbinTheLanaDelReyOut NoizeLoves

languid sun
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i smell dreams and being lost in the merging place of reality and fantasy

fossil crane
reef flower
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Whatever kind of dish it is, it smells like hopeless hope to me, dude *in the best of ways

grizzled dune
fossil crane
grizzled dune
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@lilac shadow

grizzled dune
bronze light
plucky brook
# grizzled dune <@243381516170690561> <@1147885074327539843> made some changess

Rq you might want to change some of these lines

"Foretelling the fall of follies that soar and sprawl;"
^ Doesn't really have any emotional weight to it and you're using abstract terms

"My thoughts are elastic,"
^ Very vague you should talk about how they are elastic? In what way? Like you could use chewing gum for example

"Life's a loud song,"
^ A little too general

"The world is warm, and everything’s alright;"
^ Feels very flat and cliché

hasty smelt
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This takes me places 😔😔

grizzled dune
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@plucky brook @bronze light, I hope you enjoy the revisions

bronze light
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Hell yeah. I’ll give it a once over later, I’ve been doing landscaping and I’m beat

languid sun
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watery reality... im lost in a field of no direction

grizzled dune
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@barren rover

grizzled dune
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@brave pine

grizzled dune
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@merry phoenix

jade wigeon
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Might just me being dyslexic or smthn but the italics makes it really hard to read 😭

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But the poem's very good

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The mood established is great and the rhythm and rhyme is brilliant

soft relicBOT
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*The mood established

is great and the rhythm and

rhyme is brilliant*

- kermitdefrog0536_32189
jade wigeon
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Just one word choice thing, I've thought in the past that 'florid' meant something like floral while I was reading 'the yellow wallpaper' anyway I was wrong, so I looked kinda dumb in my literature class

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did you intend to use florid?

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Meaning red or very overly-intricate

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It works as floral or florid

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just curious because it changes the tone

grizzled dune
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@soft flax

languid sun
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I have once again been summoned

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an eternal sleep- allow me to introduce to you a piece of music fitting here

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"Rabbit hole" by sub urban

grizzled dune
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@whole eagle

whole eagle
grizzled dune
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@mental walrus

grizzled dune
soft flax
mental walrus
grizzled dune
grizzled dune
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@zealous mason

grizzled dune
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@barren rover

barren rover
# grizzled dune *My sight's static, grey, enigmatic, My mind's aquatic, racing, erratic, ...

Your words have always been compelling.

The imagery is haunting yet warm, like a dream that doesn’t want to end. There’s a cinematic stillness here, like the silence before sunrise when everything feels suspended and sacred.

Your growth as a poet is palpable—not just in the language, but in the depth. It’s introspective, fragile, and fiercely resonant. Keep letting your mind wander and wade; it’s painting galaxies with every verse. ✨💜