<@&1144090752457113794> <@&1145760802666717234>
#Etched in the falling
coral snow
marsh flame
I loved that bittersweet tone youre going for. It would be more vivid if you parallel winter or fall specifically or in contrast in diffirent stanza, cuz its sometimes vague and gets out of the lovely metaphor of arriving and winter and her reminding you of autumn.
coral snow
I loved that bittersweet tone youre going for. It would be more vivid if you par...
you came into my life in winter,
when the days held their breath,
time moved slow,
cloaked, in a quiet death.
in that stillness of yours,
there was a light,
a cozy warmth.
the kind that made the frost,
feel just right.
how's this as an additional stanza
would probably place it after the second
not sure about the imagery
marsh flame
I think the second line already has done the job you dont need “time moved slow”
And cozy warmth feels repetitive yiu can fit the adjective with the line abovee, likeeeeeee “ a warm light” but i mean light was always warm in the contrary so you really dont need that word except if you wnt emphasis.
What i would do in my instinct is I would make a contrast or a hyperbole in that “light”
What i suggest instead of writing once the stanza—if youre willing enough— re write it 3 times in different ways or just completely rewrite the poem. And youll see lines that are so good that you cannot i mean impossible if you didnt even try to rerwite than revise or edit. Its all about a matter perspective. Keep writing!! I forsee a masterpiece in some of your lines 🙂