#And I let oblivion in

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strong matrix
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I chased the stars too far,
So when I was near—they dimmed away.
Its glow left me a scar,
And my hope was led astray.

Shadows hold tighter the pieces that I couldn’t glue,
It’s cast wider than what the sun could do,
It held me tight and replaced myself,
My own mind – not mine but shared with two.

Oblivion suffocated what I never was,
Even wind held names that I couldn’t whisper.
Rain brought memories that were left in blurs,
It didn’t become my enemy—but my sister.

Stars don’t answer what was never destined,
So I left my prayers on a broken tree,
I knew my existence was entwined,
So I bled dis pair into thousand seas.

Forgotten by time so I made my own,
Forgotten by places where I belonged.
Forgotten by oblivion itself—
Forgotten by the person—
I—once—was—…

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orchid stratus
# strong matrix I chased the stars too far, So when I was near—they dimmed away. Its glow left m...

Review !!!!! By - Keyari ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖

Strengths VV

You have good imagery and themes for example

"I chased the stars too far" shows longing, ambition and loss.
"Oblivion suffocated what I never was" is philosophical and it's a reflection on identity and absence
"Rain brought memories that were left in blurs" Is melancholic and visceral

You also have a quatrain format which works nicely and the flow is mostly smooth with a more abstract lyrical tone and there's a intentional disruption in the final stanza which reflects the unravelling of identity which was a good choice

"Stars," "shadows," "wind," "rain," and "oblivion" all tie into both natural and psychological landscapes

The "broken tree" and "thousand seas" imagery evokes sacrificial suffering and an overwhelming emotional outpour

Some improvements VV

“It held me tight and replaced myself, / My own mind – not mine but shared with two.”
This feels too vague who is the second? a mental illness? a lost version of the speaker? A haunting presence?

I'd do something like this instead:
"It clutched me tight, replaced my skin,
A stranger moved inside, beneath my grin."

Some syntax choices feel a little awkward and effect the natural musicality

"It’s cast wider than what the sun could do"

What if you used

"Its cast stretched farther than the sun could do"

or more poetically:

"Its shadow stretched beyond the sun’s command"

Overall: 8.8-9/10 INNOCENT Well done !! You're new aswell so you should be proud of yourself you did well

strong matrix
# orchid stratus Review !!!!! By - Keyari ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖ Strengths VV You have good imager...

Thank youuu for the commment,here let me explain.
“My own mind-not mine but shared with two”
It’s more like a mental illness ,trauma identity or more like self conflict and dual personalities.
“It’s cast wider than what the sun could do”
It shows that the shadow represents hopelessness,darkness and sadness is more than the sun which represents hope and happiness,it’s more like a play with words.
Was just clarifying,again:thank you for your commmmmeeennttt

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@rapid steeple hereeee

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I have rewritten my 1st poem in celebration of my entry to poetry

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I would really appreciate it if you would have a look at it

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What an incredible poem! There's a beautiful sadness in it - the kind that doesn't scream, but creeps in slowly and stays there, mulling around inside. The way you talk about the stars, the divided mind, forgetfulness... it all feels like someone trying to find themselves again after having lost themselves.
And that part about the divided mind - “my own mind, not mine but shared with two” - wow, that made me think. It seems to speak of a deep internal conflict, of carrying different versions of oneself, perhaps even a struggle against one's own head. It's subtle, but anyone who has been through moments of emotional confusion or existential crises can feel it right away.
But what really got me was the ending. The way you wrote it, it seemed as if the verses were gradually fading away, as if the lyrical self was disappearing, saying goodbye to itself - in silence, in peace, after so much conflict. It's heavy, but poetic. And, in a strange way, almost welcoming. It kept me quiet for a few minutes after I'd finished reading it.
I loved it!!! sorry for taking so long to read Pwease Pwease

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