The silence between two hearts

[hazy lion]

Who would’ve thought
A room once filled with laughter,
Would fall into stillness
The silence between two hearts
The loudness of their unspoken words

My mind speaks what the tongue cannot—
Thoughts of your beautiful face
Haunt me, leaving me broken

I miss our old talks
The way you’d make me laugh

Tell me—
why didn’t we last?

Was it my fear of being foolish?
Or a heart too guarded to share?
Or simply that I’m no good
At love, my dear?

Maybe I was too hard on you,
Maybe it really was my fault—
Maybe I was never meant for this game we call love

His words still haunt me—
Like the echoes of a ghost

God—
why did you leave me
Broken—
into shards

[zinc berry]

"I miss our old talks
The way you’d make me laugh" OK BYE

AMAZING

DAAAMN

THATS SO MY SITUATION

Anyway so raw and well writen

damn bro

[hazy lion]

Thank you

[zinc berry]

"I miss our old talks
The way you’d make me laugh" this lines hit deep in me

thank you for share this

[smoky burrow]

*"I miss our old talks

The way you’d make me laugh" this

lines hit deep in me*

- besourao

[hazy lion]

I understand exactly how you feel, I’m currently going through it too and you’re very much welcome. I’m just glad that someone else relates!

[zinc berry]

Love is a topic that everyone will relate some day, but the way you will understand depends the end of your love story

anyway keep writing and tag me please!

[candid cargo]

@zinc berry is now following @hazy lion.

[hazy lion]

That I shall do, and thank you!🥹

[hazy lion]

@boreal kayak I’ll let yk now, it’s a lil deep

[boreal kayak]

Oh the grief of romance laced with regret and nostalgia

Siple and clear

Acurate too

Good job

[hazy lion]

thank you! If i’m being honest with you its actually about what i have currently goin on😅

(took me 300x to perfect it tho😭 )

[boreal kayak]

Oof but congrats

Ya made this far :3

[hazy lion]

Just tryin my best, lol. Thanks for the star & for your kind words ^^

@manic ermine

[manic ermine]

It's so raw , and just speaking you heart out ...
It's really a good one...

It's relatable and at the same time its full of emotions.

Loved it 💗

[hazy lion]

Thank youu, I took what you said & looked for a lil bit of inspiration within myself & it took time but i actually did it 😅

and i tried to throw a lil metaphor here & there

[manic ermine]

That's great , I'm happy that you took my advice ✨

Keep growing!

[manic ermine]

Yeah I noticed

[hazy lion]

@heavy beacon

[modest valve]

@hazy lion

[hazy lion]

ello

i have been summoned😅

[heavy beacon]

My mind speaks what the tongue cannot

Was it my fear of being foolish
Or a heart too guarded to share

So real. This is direct, raw and to the point. Well written.

[hazy lion]

thank you good sir, it took me some hours yesterday just to get it right😭

[smoky burrow]

*thank you good sir, it

took me some hours yesterday

just to get it right😭*

- miy02357

[hazy lion]

@torpid grotto

@severe badge @honest jasper

[hazy lion]

I would love to hear you guy’s feedback, if you have time😊

[honest jasper]

cut deep 🤧

[hazy lion]

i’m glad that you liked it, took me awhile to perfect it but i did it😅

[hazy lion]

@compact pier @bleak roost

[bleak roost]

this poem really hit me, You talk about missing the good times, the laughs, and how silence hurts even more than words sometimes. That’s something many people can relate to, atleast i can relate to that very much . a solid 8.4 🩷

[hazy lion]

thank you for you wonderful feedback, i am very grateful💖

i try to make my poems somewhat relatable while also true to what i’ve experienced or sometimes just stuff about life in general

[worldly pasture]

Review ! !! !! ! VV By - Keyari ⊹ ࣪ ﹏𓊝﹏𓂁﹏⊹ ࣪ ˖

Strengths VV

The poem conveys the raw feelings of loss, confusion and regret very sincerely as the speakers questioning and self doubt feel real and relatable also the poem tells a story of a relationships end and the lingering of the emotional pain which makes it easy to connect with for most people

Lines like “A room once filled with laughter / Would fall into stillness” and “His words still haunt me— / Like the echoes of a ghost" is captured nicely to capture the emotional atmosphere

The dashes and line breaks add emphasis and create a rhythm that mirrors hesitation and emotional weight

Improvements VV

Some phrases/themes for example: "broken into shards" or "too guarded to share," are used very common in heartbreak poetry. I would recommend trying to add more unique metaphors or fresh language to deepen the impact of what you're trying to say

Some lines could benefit from punctuation to guide pacing and clarify some meanings for example:

“God— / why did you leave me / Broken— / into shards” might be smoother with commas or a slightly different arrangement

The poem has a free-flowing form but a bit more attention to the rhythm or consistent meter could enhance it's musicality also adding more sensory details or specific memories can make the reader feel the relationship of loss better

Overall: 8.8/10 Have a good day !!!

[unique relic]

Wonderful! @worldly pasture has just progressed to level 7!

[hazy lion]

Thank you keyari, I love your honesty & feedback lol. I will make sure to use the advice that you gave me for all my future poems😊 (also i love your rating & beautiful description you gave me)

[grand tendon]

Beautifull writingg!! The scenario from "a room once filled with laughter" to questioning God why would He leave you broken? PEAK 🫡 goodd stuff, keep writing and tag mee!!

[candid cargo]

@grand tendon is now following @hazy lion.

[hazy lion]

thank youu, I shall remember ti tag you in my next poems😁

(i’m tryna think of what to write about next rn lol)

[grand tendon]

Do you want some ideas? We can brainstorm some

[hazy lion]

yes pls-😭

[grand tendon]

What do you mainly write about and whats your drive for writing

[hazy lion]

drive: whatever comes to mind or what ik that resonates with me & others

[hazy lion]

anything, but rn i’ve written about regret, heartbreak 😅

[grand tendon]

Then try to write about love for a change or write how even death might not give you freedom from the shackles of love, or the tragic story of sun and moon, or the distant hearts, both loving eachother but due to circumstances not ending up together or being love but not loved by them etc.

[hazy lion]

why for the last 2 ideas you described my current situation-😭

but thank you, i shall see what i do with these ideas, sounds good tbh👀

[grand tendon]

TAGGG MEEE WHEN YOU POST

[hazy lion]

I shall, now i just have to come up with the perfect lines for one or 2 of these ideas lol

(be prepared to be inspired)

[grand tendon]

I shall stand by till the time comes.

[hazy lion]

i can’t wait to hit level 15😔

[sick notch]

love the poem!!!

[hazy lion]

well why thank you🥹

and thank you for helping me to reach the starboard 🥹

[grand tendon]

AYYYY CONGRATS!!

You deserve it!!

[hazy lion]

THANK YOU🥹 (if it weren’t for you 2 & the rest i wouldn’t have done it)

[hazy lion]

😭 thank you, and i hope that your collab poem gets on the starboard too (ik it will that poem is literally amazing man)

[compact pier]

rose ladyyyyy!!!
loved the "The silence between two hearts \n The loudness of their unspoken words”
like
the imagery of stillness, silence, and shards conveys heartbreak in a way where we can resonate with it
its gooooob

lil suggestions which you can implement

some phrases are powerful alone, but together they risk becoming repetitive.
for example, you can condense:

"My mind speaks what the tongue cannot—
Thoughts of your beautiful face
Haunt me, leaving me broken"

to something like:
"My mind speaks what my tongue cannot-
Your face haunts me, leaves me broken."

and you can add some metaphor to the ending or a imagery to land it harder like
"God—
why did you leave me
Broken—
into shards

to:
"God, why am I left
a mosaic of shards
that no hand dares mend?"

or you can even experiment with line breaks to control pacing and amplify certain emotions
like
take 1: (grief)

"God-
why did you leave me

Broken

into

shards"

take 2: (falling apart)

"God-
why did you
leave me

Broken

into
shards"

take 3: (silence and pause?)

"God-

why
did you
leave me

Broken

into

shards"

damnnn
im sorry i wrote too long 😭

[hazy lion]

its too fine & i love your review i was very sleepy that morning- sorry for the late response. I shall take this criticism with me into previous & future upcoming poems💖