Dreadful Action

[steel oxide]

🔖 Imma read it later!

[cerulean glacier]

Nah this thing is adultery Ima delete it

[steel oxide]

Your writing style is strong, and the imagery is vivid, and I like flow of the poem!! You got potential! The poem was good but Well... your poem is good but it's just not my style I'm sorry... (T▽T)

But the poem honestly made me uncomfortable. It feels like the focus on desire/lust overpowers the deeper emotions, like empathy or remorse. Maybe that was the point, but I think a little more sensitivity could help the message come through better.

[steel oxide]

Yeah it kinda was😭 you should have posted it under the sensitive poetry

[steel oxide]

Then I guess my msg is a waste now lol(T▽T)

[cerulean glacier]

bruh I forgot this thing existed ._.

[cerulean glacier]

💀

Nah bro sry man I didnt mean to

[steel oxide]

Nah it's okay!

[steel oxide]

No worries

[cerulean glacier]

er here the poem I guess

“Dreadful Action”

I went into the downtown with my friends,
to achieve what we call real pleasure.
We walked all the way to the town’s end,
just like always when we’re leisure.

I grabbed all my dimes from my pocket,
like a miserable, desperate hillbilly,
as I followed the owner to somewhere looks like a market,
ended up picking the money-burning virgin Mary.

Yet I didn’t notice her two mountains at first,
but her dark blue, ocean-like pupil,
but overwhelmed by lust, she’s like water, making me thirst,
closing the door like a loose cannon to avoid the eyes of the people.

My prey is standing right there, waiting to be captured,
yet my soft heart hesitated, existing still a sense of conscience.
She tightened her arm around her torso, keeping her body secure,
while spilling a drop of tear, like composing an elegy for justice.

Wanton cries from other rooms echoed around mine.
Struggling like a toddler picking his afternoon treat,
I stood there, unaware of time,
but staring her like a lion looking at his meat.

A stranger from room four went over cloud nine,
as he crushed his Mary’s red wall,
moaning his elation for their combine,
while sweetly chattering with another woman in a call.

I bashed her to the bed,
tearing down her silk,
“I’m sorry…” I whispered to her.
My inner self is dead,
as the stranger and I became ilk.

[steel oxide]

Damn thank you😭

[cerulean glacier]

ye because thats the message I'm trying to deliver in the first place ._.

[steel oxide]

I'm glad then it's a success!! You conveyed that point perfectly!
I like your writing style but this one poem was good and nic ebut just not my cup of tea. As a poem I like it!

[cerulean glacier]

cool

[steel oxide]

Ping me from now on. I would love to see more diff poems of yours