#The Beginning Of The End

59 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

rich fjord
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The beginning of the end was when we would text instead of call,
and everything began turning digital.

The beginning of the end was when we sit in a room full of people,
Yet message one another from across the room?

When will we notice that society is on our phones.

What we wear, trends they call it,
How we speak, slang they call it.

Bit by bit we lost ourselves through the little screen we so often hold in our hands.

rich fjord
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Am I overtired or is “crowded of people” the wrong way to phrase it?

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Do you mean surrounded by people?

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Just a suggestion, change it however you seem fit

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I'm mainly talking about keeping the lines a bit shorter than they are currently

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Thank you for mentioning the line lengths though because that was one of the things I was trying to figure out

bleak saddle
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Really like the message behind this. Following up on Aster’s suggestion but for a different line:

Maybe instead of “we so often hold in our hands” it could be switched to “ingrained into our hands”?

rich fjord
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Ooo that’s good

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And idk it's a weird suggestion I had in mind, you don't have to use it even but how about you used metaphors instead of just telling

bleak saddle
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Using a stronger word to express

rich fjord
north echo
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its nice writing @rich fjord ,

rich fjord
bleak saddle
rich fjord
rich fjord
rich fjord
bleak saddle
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But it’s an important message that holds a lot of weight and truth

rich fjord
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Otherwise, I love the message you're going for

bleak saddle
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So it’s definitely successful in that area

rich fjord
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Thank you everyone

bleak saddle
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🫡

rich fjord
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lol

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It’s defo not my strongest piece but still an important message it holds

rich fjord
tribal agateBOT
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*Hey ashley? I have

a question but I'm just too

embarrassed to ask...*

- aster._.fox
rich fjord
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When you post a poem, how do you tag it in other chats...?

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Do you see the little clip

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I feel some dumb asking But atp idc

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On the top right

rich fjord
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Press it

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And it’s copied the poem link

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Copied the link

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Then paste it into chats

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Then it’ll link the chat to the poem or the poem to the chat

tribal agateBOT
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*Then it’ll link the

chat to the poem or the

poem to the chat*

- eli.james.bancroft
rich fjord
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Not sure which way round to say it

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I used to think it would show as the whole link so I didn't even try lmao

rich fjord
rich fjord
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Thank you bear_hugging

hybrid sundial
# rich fjord The beginning of the end was when we would text instead of call, and everything ...

I love how within this piece you have a message which is describing today’s life experience. But i do feel that certain words need a lil tweaking for ex: I think that if you could change the words from “the beginning of the end was” to just “The beginning of the end” and just flow into it then the point will still be made. (Just a few words needed tweaking imo). Other than that I love it it’s pretty good. 😁💖

rich fjord
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Do you reckon instead of saying “was” I could put a : or a /

hybrid sundial
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I personally would say no, but I’m kind of unsure. But I think it would be fine without either. But i say it is best that we get another’s opinion bc i may be wrong😭

rich fjord
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What do you mean by the beginning of the end? The end of what?

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The end of an era

rich fjord
rich fjord
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Lmao

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Yeh it’s like closing a chapter on previous methods of communication

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Instead of face to face talking, we talk through electronics

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But you can also show the bright side so the reader can decide if they like this era or not

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That’s very true

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You’re very good at this “leave it up for interpretation” vibe lol

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You have me thinking