#Dead inside.

119 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

oblique jasper
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***"Here I am — A dead soul in a human's hide;
No real breath — filled with empty lies,
She left me behind, like I was terrifying;
Please — Help, I'm suffocating inside,
Just help me forget the old, cold cries.

The truth I hide—sweet, but bitter to bite,
She came like a storm in my life,
I let her in, but destroyed my spine,
Now—I regret the things I once liked.
Can't the whispers of her ghost leave me behind?

She was the rose, I bloomed;
Though, I withered beneath her gloom,
Sweet nice guy, I once was,
That kind of mine died at last,
Please God, just take this body, I owe,
Let me be free, once and for all.

Is this the price you pay for falling in love?
Is it the aftermath it invoke?
Can I just forget her,
Once and for all?***"

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Alright, I'm not feeling too great with this, like it didn't turned out how I expected it to.

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Critiques are well appreciated!

whole mangoBOT
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@oblique jasper has sent a notification! - @frosty laurel @static yoke @violet solstice @somber gull @twilit dock

oblique jasper
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@eternal cedar @fallow wasp @cloud grotto @tacit jetty @knotty zealot

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@silver kernel @upbeat lion @amber palm @quaint bear @maiden plinth

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@frosty laurel @minor delta @uncut leaf @rugged vigil

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@pseudo glen @twilit dock @rigid hearth @gentle bronze

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@fading cloud

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@plucky sleet

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@uncut turtle

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@tight spindle

pseudo glen
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I have a question

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You said "She was the rose", but then you talk about how you bloomed and wilted

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Is that intentional?

oblique jasper
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Yss

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She was the person, I helped grow, but during that, I was withering because of her problems

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@pseudo glen

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;-; forgot to ping reply

pseudo glen
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I see

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Thanks for clarifying!

unreal mango
oblique jasper
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I didn't bloomed 😭 she did

unreal mango
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Btw I really love the poem!!NoizeLoves

unreal mango
oblique jasper
unreal mango
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My pleasure✨️

pseudo glen
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I think in the first line you should change the "I'm" to "I am"

oblique jasper
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Hm

pseudo glen
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The poem's great 🙂

simple jungle
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As I knew, your love letter to your series of love crush @oblique jasper ofc

pseudo glen
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Bruh how do you type : )

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without the space and without it turning into an emoji

oblique jasper
simple jungle
oblique jasper
oblique jasper
simple jungle
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the poem is good tho

oblique jasper
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Explain the poem

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True

simple jungle
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real

oblique jasper
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In the first stanza
I try to express, How withered I'm from the inside, my body's just fine, but I'm dying inside

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nd

pseudo glen
oblique jasper
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She left me, like I was abusive and stuff

oblique jasper
oblique jasper
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The times I cried

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In the second stanza
I try to express what I try to hide, and how she came and destroyed my life,
Third is pretty much the same
Fourth is just me questioning

simple jungle
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ohhhh basically a stage of overthinking and regrets

oblique jasper
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Ye

simple jungle
oblique jasper
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How

unreal mango
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Hmm yk I love the poem. The tone, the imagery and everything. My favourite line is "she was the rose, I bloomed;
Though, I withered beneath her gloom"
Yk i like the poem but i have a suggestion maybe u could write an another version, a small memory or smth? Maybe from that you can show why you fell for her or smth Cuz right now the poem is 🔥🔥🔥🔥 but she kinda seems like an ghostly figure, surreal but I guess maybe that was the purpose?

simple jungle
oblique jasper
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That's what the purpose of it

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is

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Also breezeful wanna read more of my poems?

unreal mango
oblique jasper
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yes

unreal mango
oblique jasper
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She's my bad bad bad past

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:3

unreal mango
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Great bro. Salute to you for turning your sorrow into art🤍

unreal mango
twilit dock
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Well the first line is a great metaphor to begin with. And then you scaffold it well with associated symbolisms. Thereafter, you talk about it, which in a way is saying what you have metaphorize and symbolized in the first few lines. So it kinda repeats itself and blanches into boredom.

The rest is a lamentation, which is nothing out of the ordinary.

You can turn it around though. Talk about the incident in terms of the slow decaying of the flesh. Or probably talk about how you see yourself from where your spectral self or your spiritual self or your soul is right now. Is there anything that comes to mind that mirrors the rot of the body? Perhaps focus on that and see how it goes.

I need to add these are mere suggestions. You can choose to ignore these. For i understand poems such as the one yours is are personal. And one's personal will never be the same for another...

oblique jasper
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It's a series

muted lotusBOT
oblique jasper
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:3

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Wait gtg rw

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Rq

unreal mango
silver kernel
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pretty good

oblique jasper
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Tyyyy

maiden plinth
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cool poem

oblique jasper
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Tyyyy

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:3333

oblique jasper
river venture
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I think it's a pretty good poem but some of the lines aren't really very clear on what you're trying to say. What do you mean by "The truth I hide—sweet, but bitter to bite" ?
And then the line "Sweet nice guy, I once was," feels a little bit out of place with the way you phrased it

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why is there 2 😭

oblique jasper
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"The truth I hide—sweet but bitter to hide"
Means that, the truth, that I tried to run from and keep away from others, is sweet to hear, but when you feel it or think about it, it's bitter

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Bitter to bite-Feeling or thinking about it

river venture
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that makes sense, but you might want to make sweet an adjective pertaining to nice sounds if you're going for hearing. Using them both as adjectives for things you taste makes it contradicting

oblique jasper
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And the second line u mentioned is, The past self of mine, was innocent, nice and sweet, but the betrayal, rejection and pain turned me rude, quiet and the old version of me died

oblique jasper
river venture
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oh of course, but its just hard to picture something sweet and bitter at the same time

oblique jasper
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yea

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Took me awhile to come up with

river venture
oblique jasper
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:)

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Thanks for understanding!

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You might like another poem of mine

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:3

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"Be mine."

river venture
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mhm! overall you can write pretty well though, I'd just work on refining your metaphors and comparisons in general if you're looking to make it more polished 👍

river venture
oblique jasper
oblique jasper
river venture
oblique jasper
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Teach me, sensei

river venture
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i will do my best as someone who is still new to this lol

oblique jasper
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I wanna do 3 things, improve my visuals, improve my Metaphors and contradictions, and learn complex style writing

iron reefBOT
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*i will do my best

as someone who is still new

to this lol*

- littlecrow3.
oblique jasper
river venture
oblique jasper
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Yeshhhh

plucky sleet
frosty laurel
violet solstice
oblique jasper
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Gonna be kinda late with the next poem 💀

oblique jasper
fallow wasp
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I felt the weight in every word you wrote. It’s clear you gave so much of yourself to someone who couldn’t stay and that kind of loss cuts deep, not just through the heart but through identity too.

From this poem I feel like you are grieving not just her but also the version of yourself that vanished with her.SobbinTheLanaDelReyOut

But pls don’t mistake the pain for weakness. You’re still here, still trying to make sense of it all and that says a lot. Healing won’t mean forgetting her, it’ll mean remembering yourself. And even if it doesn’t feel like it now… that version of you, the one you miss, he’s not gone. Just buried under the hurt.
May you find him again.
May you find your light and happiness once againNoizeLoves

Loved this poemSobbinTheLanaDelReyOut NoizeLoves

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We should follow each other!!(* >ω<)

whole mangoBOT
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@fallow wasp is now following @oblique jasper.

oblique jasper
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Ty!

oblique jasper
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