Land of the Long White Cloud

[glossy storm]

Theme/inspired by Maori creation story.
Tāne is the God of the forest and birds.
Rangi is the God of the sky/heavens.

This poem is meant to be performed/said out loud like a telling a story around a campfire. So in particular I would like help to improve the flow and rhythm of it. There are a few lines that definitely need reworking, I have worked on it for a long time and I'm pretty stumped! So any thoughts/ideas/suggestions from people who like performing poems would be awesome 🙏

[fallen nebula]

I like the way this poem is

@glossy storm

[glossy storm]

Thanks lacouzi ❤️ do you have a recent poem I could read?

[fallen nebula]

I have a story

[wild violet]

There's a lot of imagery flooding your verses. They shine with colour and a whole lot of verve--which does hint at the style you are interested in: majestic, surreally dramatic--all stages in the celestial skies. Quite an opera to the tale of creation and the springing forth of a discord/disharmony that lashed out in the last few verses.

If that's what you're going for, you're on point. I just have a few points about the second last verse. It wasn't clear to me whether you're talking of attention as a person/being/entity or is attention something Tane lost from his grasp. Also that bit about "As far as Rangi reaches wide horrors befallen unseen" could do with a comma after wide for then it would be very clear you're talking of the reach of the sky. Right now it requires one to cliimb up again and re-read it. Is that what you intended?

[glossy storm]

Thanks so much for this thoughtful feedback! I have already added the comma you suggested, it was just something I missed.

With regard to the second last verse, I agree it's definitely not as clear as I'd like it to be and needs reworking.

The intention is to convey that when the spirit/the reader/the protagonist is kicked down a cliff by his brother, this shocking betrayal immediately becomes of secondary importance given the sight they're beholding (the destroyed landscape) and I don't know how to say that is so few words 😂 it's definitely one of the lines that I need help with the most

[glossy storm]

P.S the word you used here "opera" actually might be a much better fit instead of orchestra, in the line "the orchestra of life archaic. It's another line that I know isn't quite right but opera definitely fits the drama imagery

[wild violet]

I do understand and dare I say I empathise with what you have to wrestle with. What I do in such cases is write it out as prose--a paragraph of what is it I am trying to say through the poem and then I break the para up into lines that make it look like a verse and then 'chip and chop' away at it. You may want to try that and see whether it leads you anywhere.

[glossy storm]

Great advice, I really appreciate it. I am very much a beginner so this is super helpful. I'm going to give it another crack tonight after work. Thank you, again

[wild violet]

You're welcome and you're doing marvellously well for a beginner. Hats off to you for this lovely ode to creation! ❤️

[glossy storm]

You're too kind, Mr. Hacks! ❤️

[mortal citrus]

hey this is marvelous maddels

the imagery is just perfect and the rhymes is great also and I sense some subtle alliterations in here. lovely poem overall

keep it up bro