#You’re gone

22 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

magic citrus
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With my heart forever broken
And my life forever changed
I found answers in the silence
And the darkness rearranged

Chills are running through my spine
It feels like falling down a cliff
But I’m thankful for the time
And the love you got to give

Now I’m staring in the night
While the wind brings a cold breeze
Feeling somehow calm inside
May your soul now rest in peace

tired wave
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Nice poem, rhymes and flows… I would like a bit more tho, perhaps making it longer and detailed... Nonetheless, a great poem and much to develop and learn from! 🫡

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4/5 🌟🌟🌟🌟

verbal ember
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This is a good poem, I love it very much

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@magic citrus

magic citrus
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Thanks mates I appreciate it!!!

topaz cedar
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It's very good. Calming

glad hollow
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For a first poem, this shows real potential. You’re tapping into real feeling, which is half the battle. The next level is refining how you express it—making every line feel personal, precise, and essential. Think of poetry as both heart and craft.milkhearthug
Keep it up
5/5⭐

topaz cedar
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See mine too

outer comet
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For a first poem, this is really good! It’s a very sentimental piece, and it’s clear there’s real emotion and effort put into this. Before I continue with the rest of my thoughts, may I ask what sort of style you were going for? It seems to me you’re trying for formal verse (I’m only good at giving feedback on formal verse). Are you trying to strictly follow a structure or are you going for a not-fully-formal sort of deal?

magic citrus
outer comet
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Ah I see! I’ll try my best to adapt my feedback to fit better with what you’re going for. Give me a few minutes to go over the poem some more and I’ll have something whipped up :​D

tender onyxBOT
magic citrus
outer comet
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The syllable count is inconsistent, but it works for what you’re going for. The variation isn’t that great (all 7 or 8 syllables), so it’s still a very cohesive piece and it’s not very intrusive.

The meter could use some work. Some lines don’t flow as well as others when read aloud. For example, “Chills are running through my spine” flows very well since the stress patterns on the words alternate in an iambic meter (unstressed-stressed). Here’s a visual representation: “chills ARE run-NING through MY spine” it gives it a sort of lyrical quality. In contrast, “With my heart forever broken” doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily. The meter is all skewed around. Here’s a visual representation: “WITH MY HEART for-E-ver BRO-ken” It really interrupts the flow of the line. You don’t have to stick a metrical pattern fully since you’re not writing in fully formal verse, but it’s something to keep in mind :​D

magic citrus
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Thank you so much

outer comet
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Npp!! You’re already off to a great start with this as your first poem. I’m sure you’ll grow very quickly as a writer!

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Flow and feel are the most important (from my observations) part of semi-formal verse. You’ve already got the feel down, all you need now is to master word flow :​) There’s always exceptions, though, and those are always fun to play around with. In the end, what matters most is that you’re enjoying the process and you make something you’re proud of!

flat glade
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Beautiful poem with rhyme that makes it fun to read

Can you expand it pls 🥺

magic citrus
flat glade
magic citrus
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@umbral girder what do you think of mine?