#Marry My Eyes...

245 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

lofty needle
#

You sit in the front, I sit benches behind,
Different rows, yet same objectives.
You don't waste a single chance,
When it comes to my eyes.

You drink in the view,
Your smile sincere,
I smiled right back at you,
My eyes glistening spheres.

You've got lullabies to sing to me,
Yet you choose to just look and see,
How beautifully your eyes portray your feelings,
Making me get lost in your soothing ecstasy.

They say "love's a myth."—
Shall we prove them wrong?
A bird and a fish looking into each other,
Their eyes a gentle reminder, a secret song.

When our eyes meet, it's a fiery spark I cannot unsee,
You hypnotize me with your eyes,
Like this is supposed to be a love story.

Shall you hold my hand?
Shall you say forever on one knee?
You look at me like I'm your whole world,
You might as well have the right to marry me.

                       — based on true incidents.
#

@bronze parcel :p

#

@teal crane @lusty hamlet @tepid merlin @naive sail

#

@umbral elbow @kind cobalt @inland aspen

#

@vital iris @tight kayak @vale cradle @drifting gull @thick rover

#

@mighty relic

#

@fiery karma @wanton blade @sinful egret

#

@lyric iron @earnest root @eternal basalt

#

@hasty marten

eternal basalt
#

Its sooooo pretty I really love , I love the vocabulary and the rhymes !! They are perfect . I love the way you wrote it too , really nice I like it :D

lofty needle
#

@vital iris

lofty needle
bronze parcel
#

STOP PINGING ME IN YOUR LOVE POEMS IM STARTING TO FEEL LONELLYYYY SobbinTheLanaDelReyOut
but no i loved this one - the END and the NOTE crying
i might need you to tell me where you've found these guys cuz i might need some too. I love the rhyming here, it's brilliantly done! i think some lines could have a few words cut out for better flow, but i really loved the emotions you've evoked with this one! I think this is probably my favorite i've seen you post, it's just lovely rainapproves

lofty needle
#

Girl i cannot help it I'm inlove 😭

lofty needle
#

These guys just come to you at the right time so dw just keep hope:)

#

And you're getting tagged in all my poems hehe>:)

bronze parcel
bronze parcel
onyx thicketBOT
#

@bronze parcel is now following @lofty needle.

lofty needle
lofty needle
#

@bleak gust

bronze parcel
lofty needle
#

@undone orchid

lofty needle
#

Don't you think

#

Sounds like an attention seeker, don't mind me I'm just experienced and i don't want the same thing happening to my dear friends ;-;

bronze parcel
cinder groveBOT
bronze parcel
#

man im so delusional some gtimes

#

but you might be right

lofty needle
lofty needle
#

You're giving him the treatment of a girlfriend when you're clearly friends

#

And he's taking advantage of your vulnerability

#

Sure be kind

#

But don't let it become your weakness

bronze parcel
#

thank goodness i never go too far w it and pull back

#

therapy discussion in poetry threads INNOCENT

lofty needle
lofty needle
#

I'm like "if he's not confessing idgaf"

#

It keeps me safe girl

bronze parcel
#

i did that once

#

and we had a big argument tho

#

...

lofty needle
lofty needle
bronze parcel
# lofty needle Howww 😭

cuz he was like
"and you didn't invite me to the event!!" (our school had a student exchange dinner event that was limited to 10 people, n i invited his friend instead of him)
he got all angry about it

#

would not let it go the whole night 😭

lofty needle
lofty needle
#

I can say

bronze parcel
#

NEVER

lofty needle
#

Lies.

bronze parcel
#

and my dumbass believes him

lofty needle
#

HAHAHAHA

bronze parcel
#

😭

#

BUT HE DOESN'T THO???

lofty needle
#

Talk with another guy in front of him, his real self will come out in MILLISECONDS

bronze parcel
#

he says hes disappointed when i have like

#

a crush

#

(it was on an anime character)

#

like bro??

bronze parcel
#

i nickname him stoic guy

lofty needle
#

Oh damn we got something interesting here

#

I wonder why he rejects you 🤔

bronze parcel
#

ugh and i made a whole fricken marriage pact with him SobbinTheLanaDelReyOut

bronze parcel
lofty needle
bronze parcel
#

neither of us r looking to date rn cuz we're both only in HS

bronze parcel
lofty needle
bronze parcel
#

AND I TELL HIM TO PUT A RING ON IT??

lofty needle
#

bronze parcel
lofty needle
bronze parcel
lofty needle
bronze parcel
lofty needle
lofty needle
bronze parcel
#

WHICH PART??

lofty needle
#

YES

#

India ;-;

bronze parcel
#

he should propose to me

lofty needle
#

OH YEA BADDIE ENERGYY

#

🗣️

bronze parcel
bronze parcel
bronze parcel
#

that makes semiconductors

lofty needle
#

Oh my bad ._.

lofty needle
#

There's not much time left anyways

bronze parcel
#

....

lofty needle
bronze parcel
#

😭

#

his grades r worse than mine

#

is that a green or red flag

#

should i even consider him

lofty needle
#

Opposites attract.

lofty needle
bronze parcel
lofty needle
lofty needle
bronze parcel
lofty needle
bronze parcel
bronze parcel
lofty needle
#

He wears glasses

#

He's 5'11 almost 6 ft

bronze parcel
lofty needle
#

Yes

#

YES

bronze parcel
lofty needle
bronze parcel
#

TALL HOT NERD TROPE???

lofty needle
lofty needle
bronze parcel
bronze parcel
lofty needle
lofty needle
lofty needle
bronze parcel
bronze parcel
#

yk hes the fav bruh

lofty needle
#

He's got the AIR 2

bronze parcel
lofty needle
#

All in India rank two

lofty needle
bronze parcel
#

oh hes got TITLES

lofty needle
lofty needle
lofty needle
bronze parcel
#

be the comfort

lofty needle
#

I'm doing that with our eye contacts 💀

bronze parcel
lofty needle
#

Our class teacher is toying around with us tho

#

Told me and him to take turns takin the duster home

#

AHAHAHAHHAHA IM COOKED

bronze parcel
#

imma need one of those please!

#

😭

lofty needle
lofty needle
#

I didn't even think that cocky bastard had a soft spot

bronze parcel
#

thats so cute

#

im praying for this frr

lofty needle
# bronze parcel im praying for this frr

We stumbled across one another in the classroom when school was over and the teacher was standing just a few meters away from us. I made a hand movement for him to go first, he saw it and then made a hand movement in return for ME to go first right in front of our TEACHER and the WHOLE CLASS.

bronze parcel
lofty needle
#

Actually

#

He gives so many hints

#

I'm astonished nobody even says a thing

#

Maybe it's because he holds power and one bad rumour about him, he'll ruin that person's entire life in school

fiery karma
#

glass spheres might sound better
this is all my high brain can offer atm

bronze parcel
#

bad boy ahh build

lofty needle
lofty needle
bronze parcel
lofty needle
#

🙂

#

@main gazelle

main gazelle
#

But can I get an invite? 🥺

lofty needle
#

Wait i didn't understand 😭

main gazelle
#

I'm just joking about the marriage thing /j

lofty needle
umbral elbow
#

Peakkkk

bleak gust
bleak gust
bleak gust
bleak gust
bleak gust
#

This deserves a star ngl

lofty needle
lusty hamlet
#

I really liked this one, nice poem Eli

lofty needle
thick rover
#

FR

lofty needle
#

😁

thick rover
#

NGL SUCH A CASUAL POEM

#

LOVE IT

lofty needle
thick rover
#

Love binds a soul

#

It is indeed a force

lofty needle
#

Ahhwhiedllfndjdf

sinful egret
#

This has Laufey vibes all over it, niceeee

lofty needle
lofty needle
#

@vital iris

lofty needle
#

@lyric elbow

#

@hollow patrol @rough sequoia

#

@whole saffron @faint ermine

faint ermine
#

i have so many poems with this structure its crazyyy

#

I loveeeeeeee ittttttttttt'

lofty needle
tight kayak
tight kayak
#

my eyes are glistening spheres - i think the main verb needs to be there and also a very nice metaphor that when u think someone is really into you but they dont want to marry they are just having u sit at the bench while u wait for them to make a proposal

whole saffron
#

It’s really beautiful

#

I really enjoyed reading it

lofty needle
haughty bay
lofty needle
lyric elbow
lofty needle
vital iris
#

@vital iris

lofty needle
vital iris
# lofty needle You sit in the front, I sit benches behind, Different rows, yet same objectives....

Finally I know my time management is miserable. Anyway lets talk about this love poem.

Before that I should again say, that my critique will be subjective I will talk about my artistic beliefs based on my subjective likings, so please take my critique with grain of salt. Also my critique should be always respectful, if you won't feel like it feel free to tell me I will delete/reword that.

Okay first of all I should say I don't read much romantic literature. So as you can see I cannot really compare it to any piece I read so far because I read like 3 love books idk. So now you know that I am a person that does not search for love literature.

So lets start with message. As I said I couldn't really resonate with this piece. Because my heart is far from flames of love right now. So I think I should skip this because I don't have really anything to talk about. But I should said that I am clearly not your goal to impress its the guy right? If thats your objective my opinion literally doesn't matter.

Okay so lets start with poetical devices. You have got a few metaphors, but I think I couldn't find anything else, yeah there us that repetetion at the end but I don't feel it really works to me. I like the part with the lullabies and I think you could develop on this part a bit more I think it would create second layer of meaning and that would be beneficial. But again if you prefer rather more straight-foward literature there is nothing wrong with it I just don't. I could ping you in one poem that uses rather simpler language but their poems really hit.

Okay lets go for language, this one will be quick, I like it. You are not using too simple words but you are not using all the complex words so I can still comfortably read it without googling. Now I am not native in english do maybe the native english speaker would find flaws, but I don't.

#

Second part:
Okay lets talk structure now. Your poem is only composed with quadrains. I think you could change that a bit perhaps triplets or couplets? Now I would like to say that there is nothing wrong with quadrains its just my preference, because the quadrain is the most common stanza and as you can see I read a lot of quadrains, but likr you don't need to stay there you can go even further with typo I cozld ping you in some a bit typography-crazier poems.
Also in quadrains there is a problem that you somehow need to tie up the stanza. Usually its done by rhyme scheme, but in the last stanza especially I feel it would look better with two couplets because then both repetetion would look more independent, stronger I feel.

Okay so in conclusion I feel I am not the right reader to this piece. Hope you'll find anything meaningful here. But keep going we luv any kind of writing ^-^